


Belong

by linzclair219



Series: The Song of Sonny and Rafael [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Aftercare, Alcohol, American National Catholic Church, Antigua, Confrontations, Cuba, Derogatory Language, Established Relationship, Family Dinners, Family Drama, Family Feels, Fourth of July, Guilt, Honeymoon, Loneliness, M/M, Marriage, Old Friends, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rough Sex, Same-Sex Marriage, Tags Contain Spoilers, Therapy, Undercover, Wedding, Wedding Reception, briefly, change of heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-01 04:55:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 64,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11479056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linzclair219/pseuds/linzclair219
Summary: Recovery is a long road, but it's easier walked with someone who understands. Rafael is not quite the person he was, and neither is Sonny. But they still have each other, they still love each other, and it's obvious that, on their own, they would have crumbled by now.Set four months after the events in Company, during June 2017.(Note: During this entire story, Sonny has the same hair as Johnny Dubcek. Just a heads up.)





	1. Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here it is.  
> I'm so excited because last night I got this entire story plotted out. Now it's just a matter of connecting the dots from what's already written.  
> Thank you so much for all the lovely feedback on Realization and Company. I promise I will try responding to comments more often on this story. 
> 
> Also- tw: smut

Memory Lane takes many forms. It comes as a whiff of faint perfume caught in a crowded room, a metal clink so clear it must be from handcuffs, and the taste of blood that comes from biting one’s own lips or tongue too hard.

It’s that place, wherever one is, whenever one hears a gunshot.

Memory Lane is not, however, the part of the 16th precinct where the doors are marked Special Victims Unit.

Because the doors are different. And so is the office behind the doors. It’s been remodeled at least once in the past…oh man, is it eight years? Really?

And at first, nobody seems like home. The beat cops passing through don’t give him a second look.

The blonde woman who meets his eye offers a slight, forced smile.

“Can I help you?”

“Uh…yes. Yes, actually, I’m looking for someone.”

“Are you here to report a missing person?” the woman, whose southern accent is so jarringly out of place, sits up straighter in her desk. The one across from her is empty.

“No.” His voice clears, and he shakes his head. “I’m sorry, no I’m not. I’m looking for Olivia Benson. Is she around?”

“The Lieutenant?”

_Right. She’s a Lieutenant now. Look how far she’s come._

“Yes, right, the Lieutenant.”

“Well, she’s in her office. I’m sure if you give a knock you’ll get an answer.”

“Perfect. Thanks.” He nods and walks towards the door she points him to. The words _Lieutenant Olivia Benson_ burn him something fierce.

It’s startling when that door is flung open and the man that comes walking out – _that’s a very loud tie for someone wearing a grey suit_ \- is going double speed. The man walks into him, stepping on his foot, head knocking into his shoulder. This short man drops his briefcase, but picks it up and keeps walking after only a single glance.

No words.

_Here it is. The point of no return._

Olivia doesn’t look up, until she hears a knock against her open door. Her head lifts, then stops. Her eyes widen. _When did her hair get so long?_

“Elliot.” She speaks at her normal volume, and stands up from her desk. It prompts him to actually walk into the room.

“Liv.”

“What are you doing here?” She asks, coming around her desk and walking closer to him.

“I…I just wanted to see you. Talk to you.”

“Now? After all this time? Really?”

 _She’s mad._ “I’ve always wanted to. I just…I’m a coward.”

“You’re a lot of things, but a coward you’re not.”

“About this I am. After…well, everything, I couldn’t anymore. But I thought about it all the time. I thought about it every day. Thought about _you_ every day. If you can believe it.”

Her face is hard, but her arms are at her sides, not crossed.

“I’m not sure I can.”

“Come on, Liv.” He tries, but his tongue betrays him. “I…I…going from having one person that you’re always watching the back of to never seeing them? It’s a shock. It’s impossible not to think of you. In my head you’re still my partner.”

“El, come on, what’s this about?”

He pushes a hand through his shorn hair, greyer than it used to be, and looks at the desk behind her instead. Looking at her is too hard.

“Liv, you know. I know you know. I spent so many hours holding the phone. I almost dialed your number so many times. I started it so many times. But I always stopped. I wanted to see you, I did…”

_I searched Manhattan looking for you. I wanted to check on you. I wanted to see that you’d survived._

She shakes her head. “El, if you’re going to talk, talk.”

“You know how screwed up I was, after what happened. I had to leave. I needed a clean break to keep from eating my gun. That last case, it almost killed me. Seeing you after all that, the thought freaked me out. Seeing you again scared me.”

“So, why now?”

“Because I knew I owed you at least an apology for leaving you in the lurch. Even though you’ve done great without me.”

“Elliot…” It’s a chide. He shrugs.

“What? Look at you now, you’re a Lieutenant. I left and you got to grow into a better cop than you ever were with me.”

“Is that what you were afraid of? Knowing that I was better off without you?”

The tightening of his face says it all.

“Because you don’t have to be afraid of that. You helped me become the cop I am now. I’d like to think we helped each other. Even though you made it clear you didn’t need my help.”

His hand twitches. God, she’s so wrong.

“I’m sorry for not saying goodbye. And for not calling ahead. I don’t expect you to forgive me, I just want you to have that, the knowing that I’m sorry, if it helps you.” He looks out the window behind her desk and laughs to himself. “Even though I know this is a bad idea. Because, if you’ve already moved on, this is a really crappy reminder of it all. Isn’t it?”

“It would be.”

“I just wanted to give you some closure. Finally. Now that I could do it without falling to pieces. I hope I haven’t screwed up your life by doing this.”

“Don’t be so conceited.” She reaches out and nudges his shoulder. “You think I’m that fragile?”

There’s a hint of a smile. “You? You’re as fragile as a cannonball.”

“Good, you’ve still got your memory.”

“Hey Liv, we brought in-“ Fin cuts off. “Elliot?”

“Fin, look at you.” Elliot turns his attention away from Liv, and the old friends have a back slapping embrace.

“Damn, look at you man, besides those ten extra pounds you look the same.”

Elliot laughs. “Only ten? Aw man, you flatter me.”

“Maybe it’s twenty. I dunno, I’m not as keen a detective since I got promoted.”

“No kidding, really? You’re Sergeant Tutuola now?”

“Sure am. But I still get sent out to wrangle up molesters and shit. Anyway, Liv, I got someone for you to talk to first.”

“Alright, sounds good. Elliot, how about you take this one with me.”

There’s a shock of relief, and a ping of discomfort. “Uh…you’re sure that’s okay?”

“Sure, come on, follow me.” She says, leaving no room for questions. Elliot looks at Fin for some signal, which he doesn’t get since he’s already out the door too. Elliot follows Liv into an interrogation room. When the door closes, the blinds smack shut too. Sat before him is a guy with long, dirty blonde hair that curls at the ends, sporting three days of stubble at least and a ratty grey sweatshirt.

“What’ve you got for me, Carisi?”

“I’ve been following Miller, the guy I saw Rollins go in with. Even if he ain’t guilty of this, he’s doin’ something wrong. Every day this last week he’s been sneakin’ up this fire escape and going into someone’s apartment. I’m talking real late- one, two in the morning. Hey, who’s this?”

The thick Staten Island accent is put on pause so Liv can answer.

“Sorry, where are my manners. Carisi, this is Elliot.”

“Oh man, you’re the Lieu’s old partner!” His haggard face turns up in a smile, and the bags under his eyes seem more puppy-like, less sleep-deprived-junkie like. He springs up from his chair and grabs Elliot’s hand for a shake. “Dominick Carisi Junior, call me Sonny. Not like anyone here does.”

Both him and Liv laugh, but the old cop is still too thrown by the sudden change that he just nods.

“What do they call you?”

“Just Carisi. I’m undercover right now though, so if anyone asks I’m Smitty.”

“You’re a detective here?”

“Sure am. Don’t worry, I don’t always look like this. How long you gonna be around?”

“Uh…” Elliot blinks, and glances at Liv. “A while, I suppose.”

“Hey Lieu, I mean, it’s all cool if you wanna use that plus one on your wedding invite for this guy. Rafe sure wouldn’t mind adding one more to the reservation.”

“Rafe?” She chuckles. “Seriously?”

“Fine fine, here he’s still Barba. Think about it though.”

“Fine, I will. In the meantime you go, get back out there, and get me something soon. I don’t want him yelling at me three days before the wedding asking why you’re not home yet.”

“Hey, c’amon, it ain’t gonna take that long. I’m this close” he holds his thumb and index finger an inch apart “to cracking this wide open. Promise.”

“Let’s just get this guy. And you know-“

“I know, I know, ‘don’t be a hero’” he parrots back to her. Still, the thought of this guy, who keeps calling Liv _Lieu_ , being a hero seems a little farfetched.

“Good, I don’t need to remind you. Now I gotta send you back to holding. You okay with that?”

“I’m alright, send me on back.”

He’s gone a moment later, a uniform taking Sonny back to the rest of them. Elliot waits until the door is closed, at which points he gives her his ‘wow’ look. That hasn’t changed.

“He’s…interesting.”

“Don’t underestimate him. He’s a lawyer too.”

“Really?”

“It’s more believable when you see him in a suit. He’s been undercover for nine days now. We’re so close to cracking this case wide open. You heard him.” She sighs and pushes a hand through her hair. “Listen, Elliot…we should talk. Just not in interrogation. Come over later.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

****

Noah has no problem meeting Elliot. It’s Elliot who’s jostled by the sight of Olivia holding him, hugging him, calling him ‘sweet boy’ before taking him to sleep.

Elliot takes the beet when she offers it, and downs half of it, trying to wrap his head around it all.

She comes back out and pours herself a glass of wine, then takes the seat beside him.

“So, which questions are we starting with? The ‘hi, how’ve you been?’ ones or the ‘how’d you become a mom?’ ones?”

“I wasn’t going to bring it up, but since you asked.”

She scoffs. “Well, since _you_ asked so nicely, we found him while we were looking for a boy. The boy’s adopted mother had ‘rehomed’ him while the father was away on business. In other words, she gave him away, and he got picked up by two known child pornographers. We found the boy, three girls, and Noah. Noah was then passed around a few foster families before Judge Linden asked me if I would take him.”

“Wow…”

“Turned out he was the child of a woman we picked up in a trafficking case a few months later. It was…ugly. They killed her. But everything worked out. Nick killed the pimp that killed her.”

“Nick?”

Right. One more person to explain.

“Nick was my partner after you left. He didn’t stick around super long. He got nailed by IAB a few times, and got shot in the knee when he killed Johnny D. The pimp I mentioned.”

“Oh.”

“Now he’s in California. We’ve been short a person ever since, but still we manage.”

It takes one drink to get through the who’s who of SVU since Elliot skipped out. It takes another to get through what happened with Elliot after he left: kids growing up, living with Kathy before leaving again, finding odd jobs here and there. It’s when they’re halfway through the third that Elliot says what he’s been dying to.

“You went through hell, Liv. You were abducted by that psychopath. I mean, I know you saved yourself, and that doesn’t surprise me.”

“Elliot, why are you bringing that up?”

“Because…because I knew when it was happening. How could I miss it on the news?’

She shrugs and takes a long pull from her wine. Still, she can’t forget Lewis. Can’t forget the image of him handcuffed to the bed.

“Elliot.”

“I…Liv, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. During. After. Any of it. I…I tore through half the city, looking for you. I worked through this Lewis guy’s past and tried to figure out where he could’ve taken you.”

She’s staring at him now. He looks at her, then glances away.

“I was so off. I ended up searching through summer homes in Staten Island looking for you.”

“Wrong island.” She jokes and refills her glass. Elliot takes a sip of his beer, and swishes it around in his mouth before swallowing.

“After…I heard you were okay…I wanted to see you, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want the first time you saw me again to be after that. Or maybe that’s what I said so I wouldn’t have to see you in pain. Who knows?”

She tops off her glass and sips again, carefully weighing her words. “I wish you’d come.”

“Why?” He asks his bottle.

“Because I thought of you while I was out there.”

“I doubt that.”

“Do I lie to you?” She asks. He doesn’t reply. “When I had Lewis tied up, I thought he was knocked out. I thought about you. Talked about you.”

“You talked about me?”

“When I thought he couldn’t hear me. I thought of you, how you would have broken the guy beyond repair after everything. I thought of you smashing his teeth…breaking his arms, his legs…I thought about you tearing Lewis to shreds.”

He doesn’t say anything. He has nothing he could say. His heart thumps, while his mind races.

That face is burned into his mind. And he’d be lying if he said he had not thought about breaking him in half. More than once. Because really, he deserved a much slower death than the one he got.

“Elliot.” She prompts, and he realizes he must have been quiet for a while.

“I’ve thought the same thing. A lot.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Always.”

She takes a deep breath. “He heard me talking about you and he started taunting me. I…I beat him to a pulp. I can’t believe he survived.”

He lets the silence there linger again. “I would have too.”

“No, you would have made sure he was dead. Would’ve shot him a few times.”

“Maybe.”

More silence. More glugs of alcohol.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come see you.”

“You’re here now.” She says after a beat.

More silence. So much silence, it seems to fill the room the way a hot shower fills a bathroom with steam. So much silence Liv is sure she can hear Noah’s breathing in the next room.

The silence is shattered by the sudden buzz of Olivia’s phone. It makes them both jump. She actually takes a minute before she can answer it.

“Benson.”

“Liv, it’s Rollins. Carisi caught the guy in the act. I took his statement and all and he’s showering up now. Couldn’t stand one more minute in those clothes.”

“Okay…okay, I’ll be right down. Is he okay?”

“He’s fine, just a little shaken up. Like always after breaking up a rape in progress.”

“It’s a good thing he was there. I’m on my way.”

“Copy that.” She says before Liv hangs up. Liv sighs and puts her phone down, then looks at her old partner. “Can you stay with Noah?”

“Sure I can. I don’t have to be anywhere.”

“You don’t?”

“Living alone again, remember?”

“Right. Right. You’re okay?”

“I’m fine, Liv. Go, do your thing.”

She reaches over and squeezes his shoulder before getting herself together enough to go back to the precinct.

Once she’s in a cab, she calls Barba. He picks up on the first ring.

“Liv?”

“Barba. Good, you’re still up.”

“I’m still at the office. It’s barely eleven. What’s up?”

“We got the guy. Carisi caught him in the act, he’s coming in from the cold.”

“He is?” She hears the relief in his voice.

“Sure is.”

“That’s great. Alright, I’m on my way.”

“Speak soon.” She replies and lets him hang up first.

When she gets there, she sees one of the guys from the shelter in holding. It’s not the guy Carisi had mentioned before, but it’s someone Liv had gotten a bad vibe from when she talked to him. Then she spots Fin, who comes right over to her.

“Liv, you’re here. You wanna take this with me or wait for Carisi?”

“No, let’s let Carisi do this.”

“Alright, we’ll wait on Carisi.”

He appears a moment later, wearing fitted pants, a shirt, and a tie. His hair is slicked back from the shower instead of its usual pomade.

“Welcome back.” She offers, and he flashes her a quick smile.

“Good to be back Lieu. C’mon, let’s get the guy in the box.”

****

There’s nothing the guy can say to fix this. Liv watches the interrogation until Rollins relieves her, saying Barba’s arrived. Sure enough, he’s waiting in her office.

“We’re sure this is our guy?” He asks in his usual briskness.

“From what I can tell. Same M.O. as the other rapes, and Carisi caught him in the act.”

Barba nods to himself. “Any corroborating evidence?”

“Security footage.” She picks up her tablet and shows him. There’s no doubt that the guy in the box is the guy who grabs a woman and pulls her into an alley. And a half minute later, Carisi comes barreling in, throwing the guy off of her.

“Don’t you just love security footage?” He asks. “Alright, I’ll go get him charged. Arraignment probably tomorrow morning.”

“Sounds good.” She pats his arm. “You can relax now. Last two weeks before the wedding won’t be so stressful.”

“Well, let’s just see how the next few cases go before we say that.”

She smiles slightly. “Guess you’re right. Hopefully nothing too bad. So you won’t have to worry during the honeymoon.”

“Hopefully.” He agrees and heads out. Carisi is at his desk, and Barba feels something in his chest unwind. His hair is still slick, but man it’s gotten long and it looks good with his collared shirt. Why hasn’t he noticed that before?

Barba walks up behind him, resting a hand on his shoulder, making the young man turn his head.

“Hey.” Barba offers.

“Hey.” Sonny says back, and finds Barba’s hand to hold. Their grips tighten on each other, and for a second they just look at each other, in their own little world.

“I’m gonna go get this guy charged, then head home. I’ll see you there?”

“You might. I dunno, I’ve got a mountain of paperwork here, think I’ll blow it of instead though. I’m bone tired.”

“Of course you are.” Barba squeezes his hand even tighter, if that’s possible. Their hands have turned white and red with exertion. “Okay. Well. I’ll see you.”

“See you.” Sonny agrees, and gives him one more squeeze before they let go. And then he’s out the door. Carisi sighs and sips his coffee, then catches Fin’s eye.

“What?”

“You two sure you’re a couple?” He asks, wearing his categorically suspicious face. It makes Sonny smile, makes him laugh slightly.

“Yeah, we’re sure.”

“Really? Because you two seem pretty laid back for a couple that just spent a week apart.”

“Nine days, actually. And Barba’s not super comfortable with the big public displays of affection at work. Not like I am either. I mean, c’mon, you and Rollins would’ve teased the hell outta me for a few days if I turned into my usual sap self over that.”

“Guess you’re right. Still, don’t worry about the paperwork. It’ll be waiting for you when you get in tomorrow. Or day after. Whatever.”

“I just might do that. After I get through this section I’ll leave.”

That section gets finished up a little after midnight. The other detectives are still around, but nobody protests when he gets up to leave.

He gets a few goodbyes before heading home, leaving his under-cover clothes in his locker to be taken care of another day.

Carisi finds Barba still awake in the living room. He pops up and pulls Carisi into a tight hug, the same way he wanted to when he first saw him at that desk.

“Welcome home.”

“Good to be home.” He murmurs, holding him just as firmly. When he gets the chance, Sonny leans down and kisses Rafael, deep and loving and just a bit impatient. Their days apart slip away, like they never happened. Never mind that Rafael can still taste stale cigarette over the mintiness on Sonny’s tongue, he’s just glad that this person has returned to make their house feel like home again.

It’s in the way Sonny takes up space. Even just walking back to their bedroom, with his arms swinging and his stride swift and graceful, it’s like he’s going down a runway _. It’s a little bit ridiculous_ , Rafael thinks, _that he can carry himself with such dignity but still be the kind of person that forgets their own size and occasionally knocks over a glass or a frame from how passionately he talks_.

And he’s missed that energy. He’s missed the long, lean body that takes up half of their bed and is capable of reaching even the highest of their shelves without help. A wave of affection washes over him before he actually follows Carisi into their room.

Their closet door is thrown open, which it wasn’t before. The hamper is open, like it wasn’t before. When Rafael follows the light of the master bathroom, he’s met with Sonny naked from the waist up, looking at his appearance in the mirror.

Sonny combs through his hair with his fingers, an easy task since it’s already dry. When he stops, he catches Rafael looking at him. He turns to face the other man, his heart still skipping a little at the way those gorgeous green eyes look at him.

“What do you think, should I cut my hair?”

“No.” Rafael says definitely, closing the distance between them. “No way. I like your long hair.”

“Really?”

“Well yeah. I mean, look at you. It’s a great look. Plus, it gives me something to hold onto.”

A smirk crosses Sonny’s face, and his arms wrap around his waist. “Oh yeah? You like that?”

“Sure do.” He agrees, one of his hands snaking into Sonny’s hair and pulling him down for a kiss. It’s hot and heavy, and they can both feel their yearning for it.

Still, a little bit of Rafael feels how different their sex is. Before, their bouts of lovemaking bordered on rough. When days turned into weeks without feeling each other, all of their sexual energy came out in one fell swoop. It manifested with scratching and biting, talking dirty, and plenty of tugs and pulls wherever they could land their grips.

But Sonny is different, even four months later. He treats Rafael gently, like he might break at any moment. Rafael truly has to plea with Sonny to go “harder” and “harder”. It takes a lot of coaxing to get Sonny to that point. But really, Rafael isn’t mad about it.

Because they still pleasure each other. They still feel connected. And even afterwards, there’s plenty of sweet caresses and gentle touches to go around. Rafael’s hands are drawn up to his lover’s hair, stroking at his golden locks.

“Man, you really like my hair, huh?” Sonny asks, looking over at him. Rafael loops a strand around his index finger, being careful not to pull.

“I’m getting attached to your long hair. It’s different.”

“Well you know what’s going to happen when we go on our honeymoon, right?”

“Hmm…more hair pulling?”

Sonny laughs. “That too. But we’re going to be in the sun for a week. Which means I’m going to get reeeally blonde.”

“Wow…can’t believe it’s only a couple weeks off now.”

“Me either. Hey, what’s the day for us to meet with the priest?”

“Uh... oh, wow, it’s Friday.”

“Right right…and what’s today?”

“Tuesday.”

“Right. Right. Sorry, my days are kinda gone since I was out there.”

Rafael pecks his lips. “I understand. Really, I do. Can we say no more undercover work for a while?”

“I can handle that.” Sonny traces patterns into his lover’s back. “Man, I missed you so bad, Rafe.”

“Well now we don’t have to miss each other. And soon we’ll be alone together. Just us for a whole week.”

“No work.”

“No cases.”

“No drama.”

“Just us. Alone. Nothing to do but lay in the sand.”

“Just the sand? I kinda pictured this house would have a bed of some kind.”

“One could hope. It’ll be like when we first got together. Back when we couldn’t get enough of each other.”

“Oh, I remember that. I remember having a hell of a time seeing you during the day and thinking ‘fuck, can’t want to get you out of those clothes.”

Rafael laughs and pushes his lover’s chest. “No you didn’t.”

“Yes, I promise you I did. Especially, like, that first week after we slept together. I couldn’t keep my mind off you. I couldn’t keep my hands off you either.”

“No, you couldn’t. You used any excuse you could find to touch me.”

“I have no regrets. Still, whole squad full of detectives and they couldn’t notice that? God, talk about oblivious.”

They laugh together, their hands still resting on one another, trading warmth. Rafael’s close enough that he can smell his fiancé’s natural scent, the one that’s normally covered up by cologne or body wash. It’s a smell he usually just finds on his Fordham sweatshirt or his pajamas, but even those start to fade after nine days not being worn. By Sonny, anyway.

It’s after one by now, but neither one of them can fall asleep. They’re silent for a long while, but even the quiet and the light on Barba’s side dimmed, it’s not enough to lull them off. Barba’s awake enough to think, and he wishes he wasn’t. Because, of course, his anxious mind goes places it shouldn’t on such a nice evening. He’s aware enough to be thinking, and vulnerable enough to say what he’s thinking.

“Do you ever miss this?” Rafael finally asks.

“Miss what?”

“You know. This. This part of our relationship.”

“What, the sex?”

“No, the horseback riding.”

Sonny chuckles. “Callin’ me a horse now?”

Rafael reaches over, shoving him again. “Seriously though, do you miss us having sex? I know things have been…different…since…”

Sonny calms, the smile on his face settling. “I mean, look, I get it. I get why it’s different. We can’t pretend it’s not. You know? But we’ve been together for how long now?”

“Over two years.”

“Yeah, see? So it’s not like we were in the crazy-hot-fireworks-kind-of-sex stage anymore. It’s not like we went from doing it twice a day to not at all for weeks at a time. If we had, maybe I would’ve noticed it. But we didn’t. We were in the comfortable phase.”

“So…”

“So I’m saying that I kinda miss our sex, but I don’t feel like there’s this big gap between us because we aren’t having it like we were before if that makes sense.”

“It does…I think.”

“You know…I was just joking around, about the honeymoon. I’m not expecting non-stop sex from you.”

“You’re not? Well, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.”

“I’m serious Rafe. I get that this is a sensitive thing for you, I don’t want you feeling like you gotta prove some kind of point to me that you’re okay. I don’t want you feeling obligated to have sex with me. It should be something that just comes natural. Something that happens only when it feels right.”

“You think I feel obligated to sleep with you?”

“Not really. But since we’re having this conversation, I mean, I wanna put it out there. I know, I know, you probably already know this, but you don’t owe me anything in bed. I’m not mad when we go a couple weeks without being together. I know you still love me.”

Rafael’s eyes are on Sonny’s chest, his hand playing with a tuft of hair growing off of his pale skin. He nods after a moment.

“Not that you shouldn’t still want to have sex. Because you should. And if you feel good about it, that’s awesome. Just don’t think you need to with me. Because you don’t. We know we love each other.”

“We do.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Can you say it in Spanish?”

The corner of his mouth pulls up, and he can finally meet those bright blue eyes again. “Te amo. Te amo mucho.”

Sonny shivers and takes the hand on his chest, bringing it to his lips for a kiss. “Damn, I missed that most.”

Rafael’s smile broadens and he leans over, his lips grazing Sonny’s cheek. “Te amo. Te amo mucho, me héroe.”

Sonny giggles, sending Rafael’s heart aflutter, before pulling him in for another proper kiss. Nothing can ruin their evening.

Not even when Sonny tells Rafael that they might need to add another person to their wedding reservation.

Not even when he asks if his parents have sent their reply yet.

Not even when Rafael tells Sonny that they replied with the “not attending” box checked.

He just brushes it off and finds another excuse to kiss Rafael. He can be sad about it tomorrow.


	2. Endearment

Sonny’s phone goes off a little after 6, playing the loudest alarm he has. The thing is screaming, bleating for him to wake up, and it just barely works after ten minutes.

But it only wakes Sonny enough to get his arm out from under the comforter and slide his phone open. Slowly, he gets his eyes open. The heaviness in his limbs is still strong, threatening to pull him back under, even though he needs to get up. It takes him a solid minute to blink himself awake, clearing the brunt of the sleep from his face. He glances down, and smiles at what he finds. Rafael, still lying on his chest, arm draped over his stomach.

It’s the most relaxed Sonny has felt in nine days. He finds his other arm and works to try and wake it. Once the sting has passed, he moves it to rub Rafael’s hair. Then down his neck, and over his back. It wakes Barba up, but he doesn’t let on that he’s awake yet.

“Rafe?” Sonny murmurs, and pecks the top of his head.

“Hmm?” the smaller man hums, cuddling closer.

“Rafe, you awake?”

“Mhm.” He makes a similar sound. Sonny chuckles.

“You know we gotta get up, right?”

This time he groans, and his lips press against Sonny’s neck. “No.”

“C’mon babe, we gotta. Work, remember?”

Rafael doesn’t reply, just cuddles even closer.

“Come on, we need to go. You gotta go to arraignment and I gotta do…I dunno…something probably. Finish my mountain of paperwork.”

Rafael’s sighs, and has to fight his own exhaustion to pull himself up. There’s a little twinge in his back, and some soreness in his hips, remnants of their evening before. He wishes he could just flop back into his perfectly warmed sheets. Not like they need warmth. It’s the beginning of summer, but the apartment’s air conditioning is good enough that it makes their comforter seem like a perfectly reasonable hiding place.

But he can’t stay in bed all day. Even if he wanted to, he’d still have to go out that afternoon.

They move around each other while they find their clothes, get their appearances ready for the outside world.

Despite their needing to work around each other in their walk-in closet and their just-big-enough-but-could-be-bigger bathroom, Rafael’s glad. He’s missed having that long, lean body taking up so much space. He’s missed the smell of cologne that’s a little too heavily applied. He’s missed the smell of aerosol hairspray, the alternative to Sonny’s taken to since his hair has grown out.

He doesn’t realize he’s staring at Sonny until he meets those lovely blue eyes. His face stretches into a smile.

“So, today’s Wednesday. Early day, right?”

“Right, right.” Barba nods, and looks at himself in the mirror again, straightening his already straight tie. _Tie straighter than myself. Stupid joke. He’d laugh at that._

“So, you wanna do dinner tonight?”

“I would hope for dinner every night.”

“Shut up. You wanna do Italian or something?”

“Hmm. Not sure. I did an Italian last night.” He smirks at Carisi in the mirror, but the younger man rolls his eyes.

“Does that mean Chinese then?”

“Look at you, putting those detective skills to work.”

Carisi reaches over and grasps Barba, lightly by the tie, making him turn to face him. He moves closer, the mixture of scents so close overwhelming Barba, making it harder to breathe. Even though part of him wants to inhale as deep as possible. Carisi pulls them so close there’s just enough room for a magazine between them.

“I’ll be sure to get out on time. Say…what, 7:15? 7:30?”

“7:15. We can be a little late.”

“Sounds good to me” Carisi leans over and kisses Barba. His mouth tingles, near burning from the minty lip balm Sonny starts his day with. His nose burns too from the hairspray and cologne mixture hanging over him. And he wants more. He leans up on his toes when Sonny pulls away, holding onto the flooding of his senses for just a moment longer.

“It’s a date. But you should go. Y’know, before you’re late.”

“I can be a little late.” He reaches up, arms wrapping around Sonny’s neck. The younger man chuckles, hands resting on Barba’s hips.

“What, you trying to be a lot late?”

“Would that be the end of the world?”

“C’mon, you keep it up and you’re going to make me late. And I shouldn’t be late on my first day back if I wanna leave on time.”

“Buzzkill.” He steals another kiss, but let’s go. “7:15?”

“Yeah, I’ll call in a reservation later. Love you.”

“Love you too. Te amo , mi rey.”

One more kiss, and then he’s gone. Out the door, heading through Manhattan to make it to his office with enough time before arraignment. His morning cup of Starbucks and severely sweetened scone are waiting on his desk, letting him know that Carmen is around even if she’s not sat at her desk.

She makes her presence known some time later when she drops a few files in the corner of his desk. He looks up and smiles- actually smiles. It stuns her.

“Morning Carmen. I trust everything’s in order?”

“Such as things are.” She rattles off a few messages he’s received, none of them earth shattering. He nods, makes a few affirmative noises, and stands up to grab something off the far end of his desk. He feels another twinge in his back, and he stops for a moment before settling back into his seat.

“I know this isn’t exactly in your job description, but could you run down to Duane Reade and pick up some Advil?”

He reaches into his wallet and hands her the money, making his request more of a demand.

“Advil, huh? What, did detective Carisi finally come home?”

“Am I so transparent?” He deadpans. She actually laughs.

“And here I thought I was making a joke.”

****

Barba loves when people plead guilty. It makes his job a little easier, and it puts him in a good mood when he leaves his office. While he walks, Barba thinks about the impending wedding. He goes over what day the meeting with the priest is, and what day the final cake tasting is, and when they’re going for their final suit fittings. All thanks to his not worrying about some repeat-offender rapist going on trial.

It means he’s smiling when he turns up at Dr. Lindstrom’s right at 6. The doctor welcomes Rafael into his office.

“You seem to be in a good mood.”

“You’re astute, doctor.” Rafael takes off his suit jacket and sits in the chair facing Lindstrom’s. “I am. I had the soundest sleep I’ve had in over a week last night. Even though I didn’t sleep as much, it was a welcome relief.”

“That’s good to hear. What changed?”

“Oh, right of course. Sonny came home last night.”

“Ah, right yes, I remember the last time you mentioned him being undercover. Did that go well?”

“It did. He collared the guy they were looking for and came home in one piece. I swear, I never liked having a gun in the house, and I still don’t, but I feel much more secure with it around.”

“Sounds more like your feeling safe has to do with Sonny being around than with his gun.”

“You’re probably right. I mean, I haven’t said this to him, but in my head I call him my one-man-security-system.”

“I can see why you don’t say it out loud. It’s a bit of a mouthful.”

“It is. That’s why I stick with Sonny.”

“Really? Just Sonny?”

He shrugs. “Most of the time. Sometimes I’ll call him something in Spanish, he finds that endearing.”

“Does it matter that he can’t understand?”

The corner of his mouth pulls up. “I think it helps. During the trial I called him ‘my hero’, but he wasn’t too keen on that. He still wasn’t a fan after. It was while we were alone, but I think he doesn’t feel like he deserves that title, since what happened did happen. So I started calling him ‘mi héroe’ instead, and he doesn’t bat an eye to that. He thinks it’s just another term of endearment like ‘hermoso’ or ‘querido’.”

“My Spanish is a little rusty, but ‘mi’ sounds a lot like ‘me’, or ‘my’.”

“That’s not all I call him. Sometimes it’s ‘mi vida’ or ‘mi rey’, he doesn’t notice the difference. He knows ‘mi amor’ and ‘el amor de mi vida’ but that’s about it.”

“What do the other terms mean?”

“You’re a bit nosy, aren’t you doctor?” He jokes, though there’s a flash of protectiveness at the thought of his nicknames for Sonny. “Well, hermoso means handsome. Querido is like darling or cherished. Mi rey is my king. Mi vida is my life.”

“Those are all such loving terms. Does it bother you, that he can’t understand them?”

“No, not really. I mean, even though he doesn’t know word for word what I’m saying, he can feel it. He understands it on that level, I’m sure.”

“Yes, but they’re so specific. It’s not like you’re just calling him…cariño, or something more generic in Spanish.”

Rafael’s face twists.

“I’ve struck a nerve?”

“A little. That was one of those names my father called my mother. Cariño, Corazon, Dulzura, I hated that. Always when he was trying to get back on her good side.”

“What put him on her bad side?”

“I’d rather not. Not today. I’m in a good mood, I don’t want to spoil it.”

“Fair enough. Let’s talk about something else. Your relationship with Sonny, overall, how’s that going?”

“Better now. We’ve spent a lot of time working to get back into our groove. Just this morning he asked me out on a date.”

“A date?”

“You know, out to dinner. That was just so sweet. As if I expect any less from such a loving person. That hasn’t changed.”

“That tells me something has changed.”

“Not…not horribly. But of course things have changed. We got a new place. He’s grown his hair out. We’re making an effort to come home earlier.”

“And?”

“And…and…this is personal. Really personal. I’m not used to talking about this. I’m not quite sure where to start.”

“If it’s any consolation, you can’t surprise me. Just go ahead, say what you’re thinking.”

Rafael sighs, and runs a hand down over his tie. ”It’s… it’s in the bedroom. When we make love, it’s different now. It’s changed.”

“Changed how?”

_That’s personal._

“He treats me like I’m made of glass. He treats me like I’m going to break at any moment. It…it used to be different.”

The look the doctor gives him asks ‘how’ once again.

“It’s not like he cracked my skull against the headboard. We weren’t overly intense. But there was passion, there were marks. I need to do a lot of encouraging to get him to treat me like that again.”

“Do you understand why he’s doing what he’s doing?”

“Because he sees me as a victim, even though nothing really happened to me.”

_Oh damn._

“Rafael, please, we’ve been over this before.”

_Fuck, this again._

“Just because what you went through isn’t as gory or horrendous as what you’ve seen in other cases doesn’t make your assault invalid. You were held at gunpoint. You were forcibly exposed. You had someone pressed against you. You knew what was going to happen.”

“I remember doc, I was there.”

“Right, right you were. Which is why hearing you talk like that is so surprising. I thought you’d internalized this all already.”

“I guess I haven’t. But, still, it’s so frustrating having Sonny treat me like I can’t handle our love life anymore.”

“Have you told him so?”

“How would I?”

“You’re two adults. From what you’ve said in the past, you’ve had discussions about consent and boundaries. You’re capable of communicating something this sensitive. Why haven’t you?”

Rafael sighs and glances at one of the random paintings on the wall before looking at the beige carpet instead.

“Because… _sometimes_ I need that. Not the first time we were together after, or the time after that, but the time after that I had a panic in the middle of sex. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m yelling at him to get off to me. I have no idea what set me off. That was a time I needed him to treat me like a china doll, but that’s not the norm.”

The doctor nods. “So, what is your norm?”

“I’m usually okay. We go at my pace, he makes sure I’m taken care of, and he’s very receptive afterwards. I know it’s still him. But he worries about me. Last night he kept reassuring me that he’s not expecting constant sex during our honeymoon. Which is good to know, but at the same time I don’t want him worrying about that when we’re away together.”

“Do you think he worries a lot?”

“About me? All the time. I know he does.”

“Has he told you so?”

“Not in so many words. But it’s little things. It’s the way he asks me if I’m okay. It’s how he hugs me, but he does it so it doesn’t startle me. It’s how he’ll send me messages saying he’s thinking of me. I know he’s worried, and I can’t exactly tell him to stop.”

“This worrying, it sounds like it bothers you.”

“It’s not so much that his worry bothers me. I wish he wouldn’t worry about me. It’s too much.”

“What’s too much?”

He sighs. “With…me. It’s too much. And I can’t say there’s not too much to worry about because he’s the only person that really, truly knows how much there is to worry about.”

“It sounds like you think of yourself as a burden.”

He’s quiet for a moment, before shrugging. “Is that so off? I’m the person that hands out our home address to gang bangers to save my ego. That’s something to worry about. I want him to be happy. I want him to be so happy that he can’t handle it. And I’m not the kind of person that other people are happy with.”

“It sounds like you’re looking at things from a skewed perspective.”

“Or the realistic one.”

“If you asked Sonny, would he say he’s not happy with you?”

Rafael scoffs. “No. He’d say that I make him happy.”

“And yet you think you’re hard to be happy with.”

“He wants to be happy with me. He loves me.”

“And that says it all, doesn’t it?”

****

 Rafael spots Sonny when he walks through the restaurant doors, already say at a table in the corner. He looks up when Rafael takes the seat across from him, and a smile pulls over his face.

“7:23. Not so late.”

“Forgive me, I got stuck behind some slow walking tourists for half a block.”

Sonny laughs, and leans over, giving Rafael a peck on the cheek before resting back in his seat.

“How was your day?”

“Any day a good plea is taken is a good day. How about you?”

“I mean, aside from my spasming hand, great.” Sony holds up his right hand. All across his pinky and down the side of his hand are covered in ink smudges.

“You weren’t kidding about the paperwork.”

“Sure as hell wasn’t. But otherwise, can’t complain. Do you know what you want?”

“I’m just getting my usual.” He says, and Sonny waives the waiter over. The waiter who knows them well enough that he’s already writing when he comes over to the table.

“They remember us.” Sonny comments.

“Or you.”

“Me?” He chuckles. “What’s so damn memorable about me?”

“I don’t know. Your hair and your well fitted Caprizio contrast nicely, it’s worth remembering.”

Sonny rolls his eyes, smiling. “Yeah, okay. Whatever. Maybe they just remember you.”

“Or they remember the mismatched couple that’s here once a week.”

“Please, we’re not mismatched. What’d the Lieu call us?”

“Complementary.”

“Yeah, we’re that.” He says, and sips his water.

“Fine, I’ll play along with the semantics.”

“Or you can catch me up on the last nine days. I’m still outta the loop.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Anything. Everything.” He reaches over and takes Rafael’s hand. “I missed you, I wanna hear what you did without me around.” He pauses. “That sounded less creepy in my head, I promise.”

Rafael smirks and squeezes his hand. “Okay. What did I do? I set up the last few prep things for the wedding. Good to get those out of the way. Uh…oh, I finished the book I was reading, so you can read it now. What else…what else… Oh. I know what I wanted to tell you.”

“What’s that?”

“I had lunch. With John Buchanan.”

Sonny blinks at him a few times, both eyebrows shooting up near his hairline. “The fuck?”

“I know. Surprised me too.”

“What, you just ended up accidentally out to lunch with him?” He asks incredulously.

“No, not exactly. I was in my office, and he showed up. Said that he wanted to take me out to lunch if I was free. And I wasn’t too busy, so I figured why not?”

“What the hell did he want?”

“That’s the weirdest part. Even after we parted ways, I couldn’t figure out what he wanted.”

“What did you guys even talk about?”

“Everything. He congratulated us for getting engaged. He mentioned he got a call from Alex Muñoz the other day.”

Sonny grunts. Rafael nods.

“And he went out of his way to tell me he’s a Trump detractor. To which I said ‘Oh good, you do have a brain in your skull, that’s reassuring.’”

They both laugh.

“Really? Wow, weird. I thought he’d love the guy. I mean, he does match Buchanan’s usual clientele.”

“It’s funny you say that, because I said the same thing. To which he said ‘I’d never be his lawyer.’ When I asked why he said ‘Because I have no way of knowing I’d get paid’ and we had a good laugh about that. The table next to us grumbled, but we didn’t care.”

“Sounds like you had a decent time with him.”

“I did. It freaked me out.”

“Who knows? Maybe he’s looking to make the switch to the light side.”

Rafael sighs. “It would be better if he was. Though the rampant victim blaming doesn’t work on the prosecution side.”

“Eh. If that’s what he’s looking to do, he’ll figure out a new tactic.”

The conversation drifts, then fades when their food comes. They’re both starved enough that they don’t talk, just eat.

“So…” Sonny tries “I know my parents are definite no’s for the wedding. What about my sisters?”

“Uh…Bella and Tommy are yes. Gina’s a no.”

Sonny nods. “So Teresa’s a no, too.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yeah, I do.” His voice dips, showing his resignation. “They’re Irish twins, they stick together on this kind of thing.” Then his voice rises again, and he starts counting off on his fingers. “Alright. So we’ve got…Us, your mom, Liv plus one-“

“Uh, plus one?”

“Her old partner was around yesterday. I mentioned it in passing, but she didn’t totally blow the idea off. I told you last night, remember? So add one to be on the safe side. So them, Rollins, Fin, John, Nick, Bella and Tommy…did you ask Carmen?”

“I did, but she had a family obligation.”

“Ah, that’s too bad. So that puts us at eleven?”

“Eleven.” Rafael agrees after mentally re-counting. “That’s a good number.”

“Good and small. Just the people who matter.”

“Did you talk to Liv yet?”

“Nah, I’ll do that soon though. Like, tomorrow.”

“Good, good. And I told you the meeting with the priest is Friday, right?”

“Yeah, it came up. Friday. I’ll be sure to leave at 5, I’ll get there in plenty of time. You’ll bring our papers? Or you want me to?”

“I’ll remember them. I was looking at them the other day, and I swear it’s still a shock. I can’t believe this is really happening.”

“Believe it Rafe, we’re happening. And then it’s just a week of you and me and some sun. Not like last vacation.”

“There was sun.”

“Yeah, and, like, two feet of snow.”

“Stop, like you didn’t have fun learning how to ski. You were a natural, even with your giraffe legs.”

Sonny laughs. “I mean, I guess it’s a good thing. I had a hard time keeping up with you though. Who would’ve thought, a Cubano who can ski?”

Rafael’s surprised at how well he says the word, how it just rolls off his tongue without getting stuck in his accent. It makes him laugh.

“You know me, full of surprises.”

“You sure are. I was so worried about you skiing until you took off and left me in the damn dust.”

“Please, you didn’t believe me when I said I was good? Don’t worry about me.”

“I was just a little skeptical. But of course I’m going to worry.”

“You shouldn’t worry so much. Not about me.”

Sonny shakes his head. “I friggin’ love you, more than anything. Of course I’m gonna worry about you.”

“You shouldn’t. It’s not good for you. You know I was just talking about this in therapy.”

“Skiing?”

“You worrying.”

“Like you don’t worry about me?”

“That’s…that’s different. You’re a cop.”

“And you’re a lawyer. And you’re the love of my life. All reasons to worry about you.”

“All I’m going to say is don’t worry about me so much.”

“It’s not like I spend all day angsting about if you’re safe. That’s no way to live. I just think about you, worry about you, a normal amount.”

“Fine, I can live with that.”

“Good. You ready?”

“I think so.”

“Perfect.” Sonny smiles and gets up to go pay the check. Rafael knows not to fight him on that. He collects himself and takes a last sip of his drink before joining Carisi, who takes his hand and leads him out the door. He brings that hand up to his mouth and kisses the back of it. “Let’s go home.”

“Sounds good to me.” He agrees, following hand in hand, while the other swings with his briefcase.

“Love you.” Sonny throws out there.

“Te amo mi héroe.”

The smile that graces Sonny’s face presses his eyes half shut, and sends Rafael’s heart speeding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness I loved writing this so much.   
> Anyway, here we go, new chapter. Hope you like it.   
> If you would, please be so kind to tip your fanfic writers with comments and kudos, it's much appreciated.


	3. Arrangements

Olivia’s a bit distracted. She has been since Tuesday. Every single night she’s spent commiserating with her old partner, which leaves her feeling a little confused and more than a little tired when she comes in to work. She’s hoping Saturday, when she gets to come in a whole hour later, will help with that.

The coffee helps. But it’s nearing five and she can feel herself needing another one. She knows, though, that if she gets up now it’s going to take her twice as long as it already has taken to read the document before her. She’s read the same sentence four times, and still hasn’t retained a single word.

The soft knock on her door is enough of an excuse for her to look up. She blinks as she takes off her reading glasses, and Sonny comes into focus.

“Sorry Lieu. Just wanted to let you know I’m headed out now.”

“Ah, right, today’s the meeting with the priest?”

“Sure is. Listen, can I talk to you about something before I go?”

“Of course. Shut the door behind you.” She says, pushing the thick document to the side, even though she doesn’t have to. He does so, and takes the seat on the other side of her desk.

“So…uh, while I was undercover, it was made official that my parents aren’t coming to the wedding.”

“Oh…” she says softly.

“Yeah, I know. But it’s probably better off that way. It’s just…well, so, I know usually with weddings they have the one person stand at the end of the aisle and the other one is walked up it. But since we’re not really doing the usual wedding party thing, we were gonna do it a different way. Where each person gets walked up. But I don’t really wanna ask my sister. What I’m tryna ask, Lieu, is if you’d walk me down the aisle.”

Her sleep dulled brain lags a few seconds behind, but when she realizes what he’s asking her heart fills with warmth.

“Carisi…of course I’ll walk you down the aisle. I’d love to. Hey, come on, stand up.” She pushes her chair back and goes over to him, wrapping him up in a hug. She hasn’t hugged him this tight since the charges were dismissed.

“Thank you so much for this, Lieu. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“I’m honored that you’d ask.” She pulls back and pats him on the back. There’s another surge of warmth through her chest at the way he’s looking at her, a little bit like how Noah looks at her, like she can’t let him down. Even though she’s already let Carisi get shot. She pushes out the thought and nods. “I’d love to.”

“Perfect. Man, Rafe’s going to be so glad you agreed.” He sighs in relief and finally let’s go. “Alright, I’m going to head out now then.”

“You do that. Go. Don’t be late.”

He laughs, and he’s almost out the door when he stops short and turns back to her. “Oh, sorry Lieu, one more thing. Are you coming stag or are you gonna bring your old partner?”

“Uh…you know, I’ll have a definite answer for you tomorrow. I’ll text you.”

“Sweet. Let me know.” He flashes another smile before he’s out the door, an extra bounce in his step. One more piece of the wedding completed. One more thing reminding him this wedding is real. It’s not some far off ‘what if,’ it’s something with guests and a cake.

And a priest.

A priest from the American National Catholic Church. St. John the Evangelist American National Catholic Church, to be precise. The church is modest in size, but still clearly a church. If Carisi didn’t know any better, he’d think he was walking into his home parish. The lights in the sanctuary are dim, while the vestibule has several tables of electronic candles underneath statues of Mary, Jesus, Joseph, and John the Apostle. He takes a moment and a breath before going through the door on the right side of the entryway, which leads him down a flight of stairs. He’s delivered to a waiting room, where Rafael is already sat.

“Oh good, I’m not late.” Sonny says. Rafael looks up from his phone.

“No, not at all. The secretary” he gestures to a now empty desk “told me Father Scott is actually out at the moment, but he’ll be back for our appointment.”

“That’s alright. Oh, by the way I asked Liv, she said she’ll walk me down the aisle.”

“You knew she would say yes. How could she not?”

“Still, it’s good to have that confirmed. She still hasn’t confirmed about her date yet, but she’ll let me know tomorrow.”

“Good, very good.”

“Man, look at us. Talking about aisles and worrying about guest lists.”

“You’re worried?”

“Nah, just, you know what I mean. Don’t worry, I’m not worrying any more than I should be.”

“Right.” He nods, and goes back to his phone. Carisi does the same, until the priest they’re waiting for shows up. He’s young, but with grey hair that’s a little out of sorts, and his glasses have fallen down his nose.

“Are you my six o’clock? Dominick and Rafael?” The man asks, and they rise to greet him with a hand shake.

“Sure are. I’m Dominick, call me Sonny though. This is Rafael.”

“It’s lovely to meet you both, I’m Father Scott. Please, let’s take this into my office.”  

He leads them through another door. ‘Office’ feels like a generous word for it, since it looks like a bunch of file cabinets threw up over the floor.

“Please forgive the mess.” Father Scott says, and picks up a cardboard box so there are two open chairs. “We’re in the middle of digitizing our…well, everything, so nothing is where it’s supposed to be.”

He moves a few more boxes off his desk, and sits behind it. “So, let’s start things off easy. Tell me about your relationship?”

“Uh…” Rafael looks at Sonny to answer, unprepared. He was waiting for a blessing or a speech to start things off, not a get-to-know-you.

Sonny chuckles and looks at the man. “We’ve been together for about two years. And I know it’s a bit of a no-no, but we’ve been living together for about a year of it.”

“In the traditional Catholic view that’s true. But here, we understand there are a multitude of reasons why a couple might chose to live together before marrying. So long as the motivation isn’t one of ill intention, there is no sin.”

Rafael’s pretty sure he’s staring. He’s definitely staring. _What?_  

“I know I probably shouldn’t ask, but…ill intention?” Barba asks.

“Such as one wanting to isolate the other, one manipulating the other. In that realm.”

“Huh…”

The priest chuckles. “You seem a little thrown.”

“I was unsure what to expect. This certainly wasn’t it.”

“Well, I’m glad to defy expectations. Tell me this, how did the two of you find our congregation?”

Again, Rafael looks at Sonny.

“Well, when we decided we wanted to get married we started looking at churches to have the wedding. We came across a few other Christian denominations, but when I found you guys I was sure you’d be the perfect fit for us. I’m a devout Catholic, but such as things are we can’t get married in the Roman Catholic Church.”

“Well I’m glad you found us. Our intention is for our sanctuary to be a place of peace, especially for such special occasions as wedding days. How about you Rafael?”

“I’m more of a lapsed Catholic. It’s how I was raised, but in my home church was a punishment. Between the anger I associated it with and the amount of rejection the church has shown, I didn’t see much in it for me then. That said, I understand how important this is to Sonny.” He reaches for the other man’s hand. “And I don’t see this doing any harm.”

“It’s good to hear that. Tell me, do you two plan on raising your children as Catholic if you have any?”

They share a look before Sonny answers.

“We’ve discussed having children, but not until things are more settled down for us. As to religion…listen, for a while I thought I might become a priest. Growing up, the church was a pillar for me. But the amount of shame and guilt and…we’re just not sure that’s something we want to put on them. And, I mean, even if we teach them to not be hateful, there are plenty of hateful people for them to meet at church.”

“That’s a valid concern. Still, this does not bar you from being married in our church. And, should you have children, you are more than welcome to have them baptized here. I understand this is not the ideal situation for someone who is a devout Catholic, but we’re glad to be an option for you.”

“I must say, I was so relieved when I found your congregation. Though I know some people will disagree with what you do, with the female priests and allowing homosexuals to marry, I’ve found the goals you espouse being closer to what I always believed God wanted. You know, old Catholics, and I have some of those in my family, can be a certain kind of way. It is unacceptable in this day and age to hold such archaic biases, I do hold the Roman Catholic Church responsible for perpetuating those beliefs into this century. ”

“Forgive me, but…are you a lawyer? You sound like a lawyer.”

They both chuckle, and Barba shakes his head. “Do you know us? Or did we say something that gave us away?”

“My sister is a lawyer. I know how lawyers sound.”

“Your sister?” Carisi laughs. “You must’ve had one hell of a time growing up.”

Barba stares at him sidelong. The priest just laughs

“Let’s just say I didn’t win very many arguments.”

“I can imagine. Neither did my sisters. But yeah, we’re both lawyers.”

“Oh, did you bring your marriage license? I knew I meant to ask something else.”

“Yeah, sure no problem. Rafe, you got it?”

The older man picks up his briefcase and pulls out the slip of paper, handing it to the priest. He pushes up his glasses and looks the document over. “Very well, everything looks official here.” He puts the paper down on top of his keyboard, and looks at the two men. “Well, I guess I’ve asked all the questions I need to. Do you have any questions or concerns for me?”

The two men look at each other.

“No, I think we’re okay.” Rafael answers.

“Excellent. I see no reason you two cannot marry in our church. Now, as to the actual wedding ceremony, are you having a wedding party?”

“Oh no no, nothing like that.” Sonny says. “No wedding party. Just having one of us walked up the aisle, then the other. We already know who’ll be doing that.”

“Very well…” The priest searches his desk for a moment before pulling out a legal pad, jotting that down. “Aaaaaaand… are you planning on writing your own vows?”

“Already written.” Sonny answers.

“Oh, right, I knew I was forgetting something. ”Rafael says. Both men stare at him, and he cracks with laughter after a minute. “I’m joking, obviously.”

“You jerk.” Sonny rolls his eyes. The priest laughs it off and makes note of that.

“And how many people will be attending?”

“Eight, maybe nine.” Rafael answers.

“Oh, wow, really small. Well, we’ll be more than able to accommodate that number. What about the service? Will we be doing a full mass or just the ceremony?”

“Just the ceremony.” Sonny answers. “No offense father, but I’ve been to enough Catholic mass weddings in my time to know I won’t have the patience for it.”

“That’s why it’s an option.” The priest says, amused. “Now as to the ceremony, you were looking at…” he glances at a wall calendar. “Saturday the 3rd? What time would that be?”

“Four, right? We said four?” Sonny says, and Rafael nods.

“Alright then.” He jots down, mumbling to himself “Third at four.”

“Who would be doing the service?” Rafael asks.

“That day all three of us are here. I would be more than glad to do so.”

“I have no objection to that.” Rafael says.

“Me either.” Sonny agrees.

“No objection. Probably not words you’re used to putting together.” The priest quips, and they all laugh. “Very well. But if something comes up you’ll have either Father Kent or Mother Naomi. Though I don’t foresee any such circumstances.”

“Good to know.” Rafael says. The priest looks over his notes “We’ll have the rehearsal that Thursday then. Does that work?”

Both men nod after a moment, and the good father sets down his papers. “Well then, everything is in order. If there’s nothing else, I think we have everything covered.”

“Perfect” Rafael says, shocked at how easy it all was.

“I’d like to send you two off with a blessing. Is that okay by you?”

They both agree, and join hands before bowing their heads. The priest holds a hand over the two of them, his voice becoming more reverent.

“Dear Heavenly Father, watch over this couple as they take the first steps into a long, loving life together. Watch over their hearts, minds, bodies, and souls as they prepare for the sacrament of matrimony, creating a union sanctioned by your most holy favor. May they remain safe and sound, and conscious of the consequences their actions have on one another. We ask this of you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

“Amen.” Sonny says, and Rafael does too, a bit quieter, before making the sign of the cross.

They shake hands before heading out of the office. Sonny finds Rafael’s hand once they’re back upstairs, and gives it a light squeeze.

“Not so painful, right?”

“Not nearly as bad as I thought.” He agrees. “So, shall we do dinner?”

“Can we get takeout? Just have a nice, quiet evening with you.”

Sonny makes it sound so inviting. “I’d like that. querido. I'd like that a lot.”

****

There’s something comforting about eating fish sticks with macaroni and cheese for dinner. For Elliot, it’s something he has old memories of. Old memories. Maureen and Kathleen as kids, with the twins in high-chairs kind of old.

They’re in sharp contrast to his present situation, sat with Olivia and Noah, who’s already in his pajamas. He’s a pretty quiet kid, just listening to his mother talk about her day.

 _Mother. Liv as a mother. How did that happen?_  

“Say good night to Elliot, sweet boy, then go clean up. I’ll be in in a few minutes.”

“Good night, Elliot.” He says before pushing off his too-low chair and walking off to his room. Elliot shakes his head.

“You’re such a great mom.”

“You’re surprised?” She asks, and picks up her son’s plate. “Also, did you want more food?”

“No to both. I’ll take a beer though.”

“Figures. You on a liquid diet?” She asks, and hands him one.

“Should I be?” He asks, and takes a sip while she answers.

“Depends. Do you need to lose weight to fit into your tuxedo?”

“Tuxedo?” he asks.

“You know, for the wedding.”

“You want me to go with you?”

“Why not? I’m already invited and Carisi invited you. Besides, I need to let him know for tomorrow.”

“Going to a wedding of people I don’t know with my old partner. Sounds like the perfect idea.”

“Relax, it’s going to be very easy. Half hour service, and a few hours at dinner. No dancing. None of the extra stuff. But there will be cake and champagne. What do you say?”

“I say…sure. Why not? It’ll be nice to go to something social.”

“I’ll tell Carisi yes then.” She finds her phone and sends him a message, then plugs it in. She disappears for a few minutes, the returns and sits with her old partner in the living room with her glass of wine.

“So, what should I know about the two of these guys? As a couple, I mean. Is there anything I should avoid talking about?”

Olivia thinks and sips. “Hmm…they’re not sure when they’ll start a family, maybe don’t bring up children. Oh, definitely don’t bring up Carisi’s family. Only his sister and her husband are coming, the rest are just…well…”

“Lovely.” He says and takes a drink. “That’s too bad for him. At least he has people who care for him. Like you.”

“We’re a family at SVU. Surely you remember that.”

He nods. “I do. Still, you have a soft spot for the guy.”

“You think?”

“Please. I know. Do you hear the way you talk about him? It sounds more like you’re talking about a life-long friend than another detective.”

She shrugs and looks at the wall above Elliot, pondering that. “It’s because of how much we’ve grown together. He was there right after I took on Noah, he was there when I became Lieutenant, and he was there…just for a lot of the most life-changing experiences I’ve had. But the good ones. Not the ones that keep you awake at night.”

Elliot’s listening, very intently watching the way her face changes.

“And it’s not just on me. I helped him get accommodated to SVU. I was there for him when he took the Bar Exam, and when he passed it. And now I’m going to walk him down the aisle.”

“Wait, what? Really?”

“Since his mother won’t be there, yes. And I was there for the two of them. I watched their relationship grow. For a long time I was the only one in the squad who knew. I spent so many nights with the two of them. Noah, too. Carisi’s a great cook, but he always makes huge portions. He would send me home with enough food for the next two or three nights.”

“He took care of you guys.”

“You could say that.” She nods, reflecting on the memory. “They’re family. Even though I work with them, they’re family. And of course, Noah adores the two of them. I’m comfortable knowing that Noah’s first example of romantic love is the two of them. There’s nothing toxic there.”

“As opposed to…?”

“It’s just not a needy kind of love. It’s not super clingy. They’re just real, authentic. They’re so honest with each other. It’s the base of their relationship.”

“Honesty. That’s important.”

“It is. But you knew that after twelve years already.”

He presses his lips together. “It’s why we’re doing this now, isn’t it? Putting it all out there?”

“It is.” She agrees. “We deserve that much from each other.”

“We do” he agrees, and takes a long sip of his beer before they continue talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The American National Catholic Church is a real thing, but this particular parish is not.  
> Short chapter, but still a satisfying one.  
> In the meantime, keep up the kudos and comments! All of which are very much appreciated!  
> (EDIT: So...I was just going over something while I was writing and realized the wedding needed to be earlier. So I moved it up from the 17th to the 3rd. Now it's all good.)


	4. Introductions

The most traditional thing about Sonny and Rafael’s wedding has to be the venue. Sure, it’s a church that lets gays marry, but it’s still a church. Everything else is their own.

It’s very obvious that, between the two of them, they don’t have enough people to do two separate bachelor parties. And, the more they talk about it, the more they realize it’s not what they want. Carisi had enough wild times with friends he doesn’t talk to anymore, and Barba doesn’t relish the idea of Liv and Rollins dragging him to a strip club for half naked guys (or girls, since he’s still bisexual) to give him lap dances.

So they do their own kind of situation, having a little party with their friends in place of either a formal rehearsal dinner, or stag parties.

That Thursday afternoon, the couple along with Lucia and Olivia meet up with the priest for the actual rehearsal, but it’s perfectly seamless. It doesn’t take longer than a half hour.

Sonny and Rafael go home to make dinner, since everyone is coming over to their apartment. Carisi loves the feeling of having everyone packed into their apartment, just talking and eating and sharing good memories. Everyone he loves, safe and sound in one place. He’s excited to have all his friends over, and it will be just friends since Bella and Tommy can’t make it, and Lucia needs to work early the next morning

Still, he’s even more excited to see Nick again. Nick, who lands at JFK at two. Their wedding isn’t the only reason he’s there, but it’s the biggest one.

And of course, Carisi’s looking forward to getting to know Elliot better. He’s heard enough about the guy to be intrigued. Sonny’s not surprised when the two of them are the first to show up.

“Hey, Lieu, long time no see.” He hugs her anyway and pecks her cheek, then gives Elliot a firm handshake.

“Good to see you again, man. Glad you could be around for this.”

“Sonny? Who’s at the door?” Rafael comes out of the bedroom while buttoning one of his sleeves. He’s now without a suit, just in a nice pair of dress pants and a button up shirt. He looks up, and his head tilts in recognition.

“This is your old partner?”

“Sure is. You two know each other?”

Rafael laughs. “You know, for all you’ve told me about this guy, you couldn’t have showed me a picture of him? Just so I’d know what he looked like when I ran into him?”

“Literally.” Elliot says. “He walked right into me the day I came to see you.”

“Sorry about that.” Barba gives his hand a firm shake. “I was in a rush and pissed off. That’s not a good combination.”

“So I take it. Well, you’ve got a lovely home here.”

“Glad you could be here. Do you want a drink?”

“I’ll take a beer.”

“There’s Heineken and there’s Sam Adams, take your pick.” Sonny says, heading into the kitchen.

“I’m not picky.” He says back. Sonny comes back with a bottle of Sam Adams.

Their friends come in pairs. First Munch and Fin, both of whom embrace Elliot and say how good it is to see him. They settle in, and Carisi’s just fascinated watching the four of them interact. He’s wondering what it was like back in the good old days.

But Munch dispels that. He looks right at Elliot when he talks. “As much as I missed you, it was good. We got some new blood pumping through old SVU.”

“From what I hear everyone’s still top notch.”

“Nothing but the best for this elite squad.” Fin answers. “And of course you missed meeting our new badass ADA.”

Barba laughs. “Thanks Fin.”

“No problem counselor. Seriously, this guy knows how to throw down. Don’t nobody wanna mess with Barba.”

“Wait.” Something clicks for Elliot. “Barba. You’re the guy from the Bronx. The one who convicted the two johns for raping a prostitute after she serviced one of them. Is that you?”

Again, Barba looks amused. “Is that how I’m remembered?”

“Or as the guy that lets himself get strangled in open court.” Fin adds.

“What?” Elliot turns to look at Liv, then back at the man who’s sipping his scotch.

“Oh yeah, there’s video of it too.” Carisi puts in, and pulls out his phone.

“There i- Oh god, there is.” Barba says, just remembering. A moment later and Carisi hands Elliot his phone. Along the top of the screen it reads ‘Manhattan Prosecutor Lets Himself Get Choked.’

Elliot watches in stunned silence as Rafael puts his own belt around his neck, then talks a little more before letting himself be choked. The way he taunts the guy worries Elliot, and when the perp pulls hard, Elliot cringes.

“Jesus Christ, why did you do that?”

“Because they guy was a total creep, but the jury couldn’t see it. So I provoked him into revealing his true colors, and figured out I certainly do not have a choking kink all in one fell swoop.”

“See? Clearly we still had good people around. Crazy people, but that just means they fit right in.” Munch says. “And of course after I left, the squad gained my new favorite Catholic.” He pats Carisi on the shoulder

“Catholic?” Elliot asks, eyebrows raised.

“Oh yeah. Devout.” Carisi answers. “They don’t want anything to do with me, but they’re stuck with me.”

Their friends ‘aw’ at that.

“Don’t worry Carisi. If nothing else, we want you.” Olivia offers. He grins so wide his eyes practically shut.

“Aw, thanks Lieu.”

They keep talking for a while, but when the door buzzes again, Carisi pops right up. He bounces from foot to foot as he waits by the door, and something about the way he holds himself makes Elliot think of him as a cross between an overeager puppy and a model.

There’s barely a knock on the door before it’s flung open. Carisi embraces Nick without a second thought.

“Oh my god, Nick! Fucking look at you!” Carisi pulls the other man into a suffocating hug, which it takes a minute for him to reciprocate. Carisi’s so excited he plants a kiss on his friend’s cheek before pulling away. “Damn, I can’t believe this! I’m so happy to see you, man.”

“What about me?” Amanda asks when Carisi lets Nick go.

“Nah, not so much, I saw you yesterday. Still, you get a hug.”

He pulls her into a hug before nodding over to the living room, where most of the seats are taken up.

Everyone besides Elliot has warm welcomes for Nick.

“Nick, I’d like you to meet my old partner Elliot Stabler. El, this is Nick Amaro.”

“Oh wow, good to meet you man. I’ve heard so much about you.” He shakes the older man’s hand, mentally taking him in.

“I hope it wasn’t all bad.”

Nick laughs.

“And this is Detective Amanda Rollins.” Liv also supplies. Amanda still looks a little shocked.

“Wow, hi. Good to meet you. Sorry I didn’t know who you were before.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s good to know you.”

“It’s so interesting, seeing the two of you together now.” Nick comments, and sits down. Carisi comes back with drinks for both him and Rollins. “Thanks Carisi. You know, every so often we hear stories about ‘Liv and El’, so it’s good to know who ‘El’ is.”

“You’re joking.”

“Not at all.” Carisi jumps in. “Some cases all we hear is ‘Liv and El did this’ and ‘Liv and El did that’ and ‘back during Liv and El’s time’.”

“Oh yeah.” Rollins agrees. “After a while, if you don’t know better, you’d think ‘Liv and El’ were one person.”

 “Well, it’s nice to know I’m remembered a little fondly.”

“Gone but not forgotten.” Fin reassures.

“Definitely not.” Liv adds.

Their reminiscing is broken up after a while, only for a few moments, with the promise of food. Elliot’s shocked, even though he doesn’t want to admit it, that the food is so good. He was expecting generic Italian food, with bottled sauce and overcooked noodles. But Carisi’s cooking is damn near perfect.

If they didn’t know better, nobody would know there was a looming wedding. There’s no stress, no angsting, and very little mention of it. Hell, Elliot can’t even pick out a noticeable couple among them. Amanda and Nick throw little jabs at each other, and so to Carisi and Barba, but there’s no kissing and no excessive touching.

“…I swear, El, it was so weird. For a while it was like everyone had baby pictures to show off.” Fin adds.

“Yeah, including you.” Carisi adds. Fin rolls his eyes.

“What did you do, detective?” Elliot asks. Fin laughs.

“Nah man, nothing like that. Ken and Alejandro had a kid. Absolutely adorable.”

“Wow. Ken, as a dad. That’s a thought.”

“He wouldn’t let us forget about it. For weeks he kept showing us pictures of little ol’ James.”

“Man, like you weren’t just as insufferable.”

“You have a kid?” Elliot asks with more thinly masked surprise. Carisi busts out laughing and shakes his head.

“Nah, not a chance. Man, my sister had a kid. Veronica. She’s a little brat but I friggin’ love her. I won’t bore you right now with her pictures, but believe me when I say she’s got a smile that’ll make a heart melt.”

Elliot nods, his surprise receding.

“Oh don’t look like that.” Liv chides. “He’s great with kids.”

“Hell yeah.” Amanda agrees. “When I had Jesse? I was a damn mess sometimes, but he was a huge help.”

“Ah stop.” Carisi waves her off.

“I’m serious! You were a life saver. You’re gonna make a great dad.”

“Oh good, someone’s gonna know what they’re doing.” Rafael says dryly. Sonny elbows him.

“Shut up, you’ll be great with our kids whenever they come around. It’ll be different.”

“I sure hope so, otherwise you’re going to be on your own for the baby stage.” Liv says.

“Nah, don’t worry Lieu, I’m sure we’ll be okay. Whenever the hell it happens, it’ll be good.”

“Whenever it happens?” Nick says, amused. “What, you planning on letting nature take its course?”

“Ah, shut up.” Sonny pushes the tan man. “We’re just waiting. Y’know, for when the time is right. When things are more stable. When we’re a little further removed from people trying to kill us.”

“Who would want to kill you?” Elliot asks, unthinking once again.

“You don’t watch the news much, do you?”

“Not really. Especially not after November 8th.”

Rafael’s face twists. “Understandable. But I’ll catch you up. A member of a gang that had a grudge against me broke into our home, with a gun, tried to rape me, left hairline fractures in Sonny’s skull…it was brutal. But we survived. That was back in February. I’d like to go a whole year without someone trying to kill us personally before we have kids.”

“Maybe two.” Carisi puts in. Elliot doesn’t miss how Sonny is rubbing Rafael’s back.

“Probably two.” He agrees.

“I’m…I’m so sorry you two went through that.” Elliot offers.

“I mean, it’s not like we were alone.” Carisi says. “Everyone here- except Nick, sorry Nick, don’t mean to leave you out- made sure we were safe during the whole ordeal. The Lieu even let us live with her. Who would’ve thought, you guys would put your lives on the line for me.”

“Hey, don’t say that.” Amanda sounds pained.

“Don’t be like that. I just mean, for how bad it was at the beginning, I bet you never thought that would happen.”

“You were a little rough around the edges when you first joined-“

“Rough?” Carisi laughs. “Are you kiddin’? I was a pain in the ass when I showed up.”

“Really?” Elliot fakes surprise this time. Carisi laughs.

“Really. I know I was the chore of the unit for a while, but eventually I got it together.”

“And now we’re so lucky to have him.” Amanda adds.

Hearing them talk one right after the other, Elliot almost wants to cringe. _Liv has to listen to both of their accents all day? Poor Liv._

“You sure didn’t feel that way at first.” Carisi says.

“Don’t exaggerate.”

“Really?” Carisi looks at her. “You gonna tell me you don’t remember what you said?”

“What’d I say?”

He lets out an evil laugh and looks at Elliot. “She doesn’t remember. Well I guess I’ll tell you. I’m dealin’ with paperwork or whatever and I overhear the Lieu tell Rollins ‘keep showing Carisi the ropes, you’re really doin’ well with him’. And then Rollins says ‘you sound like my mother when she said I was the best at mopping the floors because she didn’t wanna do it.’”

“You heard that?” Amanda’s eyes go wide.

“I was in the next friggin’ room! I wasn’t deaf. Or did you think my mustache was a sound buffer.”

“Mustache?” Elliot asks, though the image seems wrong.

“Yeah, when I first turned up I was sporting a seventies pornstache. ‘Course, a few cases in I realized that that’s good for when you’re undercover as a john but very very unhelpful when you’re trying to get someone to tell you the story of how they were violated. So off the ‘stache went and it’s been that way ever since. I gotta shave every day, but it’s whatever.”

“What are you talking about?” Barba says. “You’re blond. You’re not that high maintenance.”

“Yeah but then it gets prickly, and then you complain, and that’s annoying. I figure just shave every day, it’s easier.”

Barba shakes his head, chuckling. “When you’re right, you’re right.”

“See? I tell ya, few things are more potent than the threat of Barba complaining.”

“I highly disagree. Liv’s disappointment is worse than my lecturing.”

“My disappointment isn’t concentrated, your lectures are. Have you heard yourself when you’re four cups into your day?”

“Is this what we’re doing now? We lovingly abuse our DAs?” Elliot asks when Barba just laughs.

“Something like that.” Liv says, and pats Barba on the shoulder. “But it’s okay. We’re all friends here.”

“Somehow.” Barba says between bites.

Elliot keeps his surprised questions to himself for a while, just listening to them talk.

He’s not surprised when he feels jealous of Barba, who gets dropped as being her ‘best friend’ three times in the hour that follows. He knows her. He knows how to taunt her. And she seems to know him well, sending back her own well timed one-liners.

But he also knows what to avoid with her. There’s two incidents where the lawyer’s well timed comments are clear diversions from one topic or another.

Elliot can forget about that, when the hour that follows brings two more beers and a whole slew of war stories for the four original team members to tell.

The party starts early, so it ends early too. Everyone gets either a hug or a handshake goodbye from Carisi, more of the former than the latter.

The way Carisi stands next to the door, hip popped, bright smile, curly hair in near perfect condition, reinforces the idea of him being a model in Elliot’s head.

“So, what’d you think of the Lieu’s old partner?” Carisi asks while they clean up in the kitchen.

“They seem compatible.”

“How riveting. Seriously, tell me what you think.”

“I think I can easily picture them kicking ass together.” Rafael answers over the soft hiss of the faucet.

“Right? Same here.” Sonny pops the leftovers into a Tupperware. “I can imagine he was something else back then.”

“Really? From what I understand he has a tendency to stay the same.”

“Meaning?”

Rafael shrugs, and pushes the top drawer of the dishwasher closed. “I’m just not looking to get attached to the guy. Who knows how long he’ll be around?”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Still, if he makes the Lieu happy, let’s be on his good side.”

“If he treats Liv right, we won’t have a problem.”

Sonny scoffs. “Yeah, if. Like she wouldn’t kick him to the curb if he didn’t.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

Sonny comes over to the dishwasher and pops up onto the counter. “You know I’m right. But let’s not talk about them anymore.”

“What do you want to talk about?” Rafael puts the last dish into the appliance, and shuts it.

“How about in less than 48 hours we’ll be married.”

“Are you getting sappy on me, hermoso?”

A shiver runs through Sonny. “Yeah, I am. You got a problem with that?”

“Don’t. You sound like something out of a bad godfather rip-off.”

Sonny rolls his eyes and leans back against the cabinets, watching Rafael move around in their kitchen.

“I always do. That’s not fucking new.”

“As long as you don’t exaggerate the accent during our honeymoon, I don’t care.”

When Rafael comes close enough, Sonny grabs him by the shirt and pulls him over. “Promise, I won’t make my accent any thicker than usual. I’ll be too distracted.”

“Is that a promise?” Rafael asks, resting his hands on Sonny’s thighs.

“You could say that. Hey, as long as I’ve got you, some sun, some beach, and a good book, I’ll be thoroughly distracted.”

“Yes, you will be.” He leans up on his toes and pecks Sonny’s lips.

“I love you, Rafe.”

“I love you too, mi héroe.”

“Thank you.”

Rafael blinks. “For what?”

“For saying yes.” He replies, and kisses him once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another slightly self-indulgent chapter. Still, happy with how it turned out.   
> Hope you guys are enjoying it so far!   
> Don't be afraid to comment, I love hearing from you! And of course, kudos help too.


	5. Matrimony

The wedding is at four in the afternoon.

Lucia is up at four that morning. Not because she has to go to work- Saturdays are one of her two days of freedom- but because she’s a jangle of nerves. Her son is getting married.

Her son, who is sleeping in his childhood room, where the mattress is on the floor and the walls are decorated with clumps of faded pictures.

Of course he hears her walking around, but he can sleep through it for a few hours.

He cannot sleep through her hand pressing into his shoulder, shaking him awake.

“Rafe, levántante, right now.”

He groans, rolling his body towards the wall. “Mami, let me sleep.”

“It’s your wedding day! You shouldn’t be sleeping, you should be up. You need to make sure things are right. Levántante, ahora.”

He pulls the blanket up over his head. She huffs and gets up, pulling up the shades over the window before leaving him.

Twenty minutes later, Rafael pads out of his bedroom in his pajamas and pours himself a cup of coffee. Lucia clicks her tongue.

“Mijo, what are you wearing? Aren’t you hot? It’s June out there.”

“And it’s air conditioned in here.”

“That sweatshirt looks like it could use a wash. Dèjame, por favor.”

“Mami, please. Slow down on the coffee, you’re going to have a heart attack.”

“Why are you so calm? This is your wedding day. Do you understand how big a deal this is, Rafe?”

“I know that I have a short to-do list before I get ready. I know I’m marrying someone I love.”

“You’re not worried?”

“Mira, I have nothing to worry about.”

“Okay, you’re not worried. Aren’t you excited?”

“With…” he squints at the wall clock “eight hours to go? Not particularly. And it’s hard to be excited when you’re half asleep.”

“Didn’t you sleep well?”

“No. I’m not used to sleeping by myself.”

“Aw, mijo.” She comes over and kisses his cheek. “You miss Soleado, don’t you?”

“Of course I do. He takes up so much space it’s impossible not to miss when he’s gone.”

She looks at her son for a few seconds.

“Hence the ratty sweatshirt?”

“It’s not ratty by a long shot.” He crosses his arms over the white letters that spell out Fordham. “And it’s comfortable. It’s more of a blanket than the thing I was asleep under.”

“If you say so.” She takes another sip of her coffee, and so does he.

He’s not kidding about the short list. It all fits into two rows on a single index card.

-Double check vows

-Get a picture of the cake

-Call about the flowers

-Call about the photographer

It’s a short, easy list. Much shorter than even he thought it would be. But he’s glad for the lack of stress. His mother seems to be taking on whatever stress he would be feeling for herself. She’s already getting ready when he calls the flower shop at noon. The water from her shower turns off just a few minutes after he gets a picture of their cake.

Actually there’s half a dozen pictures, showing him the detail. It’s perfect, just the way he imagined it. Three square tiers covered with white frosting and bunches of red flowers- the icing kind, not the fondant kind. He also gets a picture of the two little groom dolls, with the dark haired being a little shorter than the light haired one. He’s not sure how they did it, he’s just grateful.

Rafael has to retreat into his old, mostly-empty room while he talks on the phone with the photographer to avoid the racket of his mother’s hair dryer. The hair drying goes on three times as long as their conversation.

The last item on the list- the vows- he doesn’t do until after he’s showered and shaved. He sits on the mattress and goes over his flashcards, re-reading everything he wrote. And he re-reads them out loud, under his breath to be sure everything flows right.

Outside his door, his mother is clicking around in her heels already.

“Rafe! Are you ready yet?”

“Soon enough. Ten minutes, Mami.”

“Hurry up!” She huffs, and her heel clicking becomes more emphatic. He dresses, like any other day. The tuxedo is something he’s familiar with. Nothing about getting ready sets off alarm bells. He’s waiting for cold feet. But it’s not happening.

“Rafe!” She bangs on his door “We’re going to be late!”

He opens the door. “It’s ten after two. We have over an hour to get to the church, and even in a cab it won’t take that long.”

Her annoyed face softens, and she rests a hand against his cheek. “Oh, Rafael. Mi nene. Oh look at you.”

“I look ok, Mami?” He asks, his heart warming at the old nickname.

“More than okay. Muy hermoso. muy guapo” She pulls him into a hug and pecks his face a few times. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Don’t cry yet, please.” He asks, hugging her just as tight. “You’ll have plenty of time for that later.”

“Shush, I’m your mother, I’ll cry as much I want today.” She pulls back and cups his face in her hands. All the things she thought about telling him on this day are so far away, so jumbled up that she can’t remember any of it. She taps his cheek and lets out a sigh.

“Okay. Let’s go. Don’t want to keep Soleado waiting.”

“I’ll be surprised if he’s there yet.”

****

Rafael’s wrong. When they get into the Uber, Rafael texts Liv and asks her if she’s with Sonny yet. There’s a few minutes before she texts back.

-Since eleven. Why?-

-Is he at the church yet?-

-Yes, we’re here. We’re in the upstairs room, so you can take one of the offices downstairs. There’s an empty one, I’m pretty sure.-

-Okay.-

-The flowers are here too. There’s a fridge downstairs, your boutonniere is in there.-

-Thanks Liv. For everything.-

-No problem. He can’t wait to see you.-

-I can’t wait to see him either.-

It’s true that he can’t wait to see his fiancé, who’s almost his husband. He’s looks out the car window and wonders what’s going to go wrong. All of this has been too easy.

Lucia’s hand rests over Rafael’s phone, and she presses the power button.

“No work today.” She chides.

“Not work, Mami. Just Olivia.”

“Olivia. Sure.”

“Really, it’s just her.”

“Then why do you look so stressed now?”

“Because I’m worried something’s going to go wrong.”

“Mijo. Stop. Don’t listen to those thoughts. You’re getting married to someone who adores you. Nothing is going to happen.”

He tries to internalize those words. Even though there’s more than enough time for them to get to the church, he starts to feel a little bubbling of panic in his chest. He’s not totally sure they’re heading in the right direction until he sees a strip club that he knows is just two blocks down from the church. He remembers thinking _that’s Manhattan for you_ the first two times he went to the church.

It’s 2:58 when they get to the church. And still, he sees Nick and Amanda stood outside, talking.

“You’re early.” Rafael comments. They ignore it.

“Wow Barba, look at you.” Amanda says.

“You look damn good, Counselor.” Nick adds. He laughs.

“You’re outside a church. Don’t say that, or you’re going to get struck by lightning. Nick, Amanda, this is my mother Lucia.”

“Aw, Rafe, you’ve got such gorgeous friends.” She coos and hugs them both.

Rafael leaves her with them in the summery warmth outside and enters the church. The space is dark, cool, and only contains one other person.

“Wow Barba, you look amazing.”

He smiles. “Look who’s talking.”

Liv embraces him and pats his back. “Really, you look amazing. You look happy.”

“I feel happy. A little anxious, but mostly happy. What about Sonny?”

“He’s really excited. He’s been bouncing off the walls.”

“And he’s not getting cold feet?”

Her face strains, and she gives him the ‘look’. “Are you?”

“Not at all. I’m just scared something will ruin this day. I hope he’s not wising up.”

“Don’t say that.” She pushes him slightly. “He can’t wait to marry you. All morning, all afternoon, the only thing he’s talked about is how much he wants to marry you. He’s not running away. And if he tried to, he’d have to get past me.”

“He’s through there?” Barba looks at the door behind her.

“Which you can’t go into.”

“I know Liv, I know. Sonny was very strict with me about that.” He sighs to himself. “I guess I should go downstairs and wait, right?”

“Decreases the temptation to go talk to him.”

“Fine. Tell him I said hi, by the way. I would text him but I think that violates the no talking rule.”

She chuckles. “For him, I’m sure. Go, put on your flower, check over your vows, and don’t freak out on me now.”

“Yes Lieutenant.” He teases before going downstairs.

The wait is brutal, even with his phone as a distraction. Bella comes down after some time to hug him and tell him about how excited Sonny is. His mother does the same, but she doesn’t linger the same way Bella does. He’s glad for the alone time, and pained by it. He watches the time at the top of his phone tick by, minute by minute.

At twenty of, another pair of careful heels come clicking down the stairs. Liv comes over to the office he’s sitting in while his phone charges.

“Barba?”

“Hi Liv.” He gets up and comes out to the sitting area. “Everything okay?”

“Everything’s going well.” She touches the flower on his jacket lightly even though it’s straight, and brushes some imaginary lint off his shoulder.

“How’s your date liking our eclectic group of guests?”

“Munch and Fin are keeping him occupied. But besides that, I’ve been sent to ask you something.”

“Okay?”

“Sonny wants to pray with you before you get married. I told him I’d ask.”

“Even though he can’t see me?”

“We can get around that.  Just…here.” She guides him to sit in the office again, with his back to the fully opened door pressed against the wall. He can hear her pull another chair over to the other side of the wall.

He hears more footsteps a few minutes later, and then the voice he’s been longing for all day talking quietly to Liv.

A moment later, and there’s more of Liv’s footsteps going back upstairs.

“Hi Rafe.”

“Hi Sonny.” _I want to see you._

“You…you doing okay?” _Please don’t tell me you’re hurt. Please don’t tell me I left you exposed._

“Yes, I’m okay. Are you nervous?”

“I’m excited. But I thought this could help me calm down. Hold out your hand.”

Rafael does as asked, and Sonny’s hand wraps around his even though they’re at an angle. There’s a few beats of relieved silence before Sonny starts.

“Hail Mary, full of grace”

“the Lord is with thee.” Rafael joins in. It’s a short prayer, but it dovetails right into the “Our Father,” then the “Glory Be.” Sonny goes on, reciting the “Memorare” and the “Hail Holy Queen” both of which Rafael barely remembers.

Sonny keeps going, reciting prayers that Rafael doesn’t know but he thinks he should. He feels a little choked up, listening to Sonny say his prayers made by a church that doesn’t want him. _Why shouldn’t they want him? Why should he be any less than?_  

Sonny runs out of prayers, but he’s still holding Rafael’s hand

“Hey Rafe?”

“Yes Sonny?” His voice comes out soft.

“Thank you. For this. For not just saying we should go to the courthouse.”

“I would never. Not about something as special as this.”

“I’ll see you soon.”

“I’ll see you soon, mi héroe.”

Sonny gives his hand a few long squeezes before letting go. His footsteps are slower than before. He’s not running upstairs the same way he ran down them.

A calm has taken over Rafael, knocking out whatever lingering anxiety that reminded him something bad should be happening. It lets him close his eyes and remember the moments of peace that Sonny brought him.

“Rafe.” His mother calls. He pulls his phone off the borrowed charger and stuffs it in his inner pocket, then joins her. She looks in his face one more time, and kisses his cheek.

“I love you, mijo.”

“I love you too Mami.” He finds her hand and squeezes.

He’s not nervous. Not at all. He’s steady on his feet as they make their way up to the vesibule, and then into the worship space. All seven of their guests are sat in the first pew. Rafael sees the camera woman in his peripheral vision. Father Scott is stood at the end of the aisle, and the church is decorated lightly with the same red rose as the one on Rafael’s jacket.

Rafael keeps his arm looped through his mother’s, walking up the aisle and then waiting there with her. His heart rate picks up when Sonny appears on Liv’s arm, his face stuck in a smile. His long hair is perfectly curly, framing his face and accentuating his features.

The women hand the men’s hands to one another. Sonny’s grip closes around Rafael’s hand. The piano music stops and the priest begins to speak.

“Friends, family, dearly beloved, we gather here today to celebrate the union of Rafael Santiago Barba and Dominick Vincenzo Carisi Junior, known to you all as Sonny. This is a joyous occasion, one filled with happiness and hope, and optimism for the future. As these two lives become one, we ask that the Lord be there with you to rejoice in your times of happiness, and comfort you both in times of sorrow. May the blessings bestowed upon you today strengthen your bond and make your two souls one in the eyes of our God.”

The minister quiets, and Liv gets up from her spot in the second pew, going to the podium.

“I’d introduce myself, but you all know it’s just me, Liv. I’ve known some of you for a long time, others not so long. Barba, Carisi, Even though I’ve known you for only a few years, I have a hard time imagining my life without either of you. Barba, you came into my life just before one of my lowest points. When I met you, I thought SVU was gaining a trusted courtroom ally. I had no idea I was gaining a best friend.”

Rafael laughs slightly out of his nose, and squeezes Sonny’s hand tighter.

“And Carisi, you joined my life right after Noah did. For almost all of his life with me, you’ve been there. You’re a great babysitter, and full of helpful advice when it comes to raising kids. I’m sorry if I ever underestimated you, or made you feel like you didn’t belong. Even though I never call you Sonny, I see why other people do. You light up people’s days, whether they want it or not.”

There’s a few chuckles from their friends.

“I knew you separately, but I’ve known you more together. Your relationship, it’s one I admire. You two have helped each other grow into better, stronger people, the way love is supposed to. You hold each other up when times are rough, and when things are good you’re both an absolute joy to be around. You complement each other, not to similar but not too different. It’s been a privilege to watch your relationship unfold. It’s the kind of relationship they should write stories about.”

Liv pauses a moment, choked up on her words.

“I’m comfortable knowing that my son is growing up knowing what real love looks like. Trust, respect, understanding, compassion, challenge, communication, all these things and more are what real love is made of, and they’re all things I see between the two of you. You truly deserve each other.”

It’s just what Sonny expected. Concise, sappy, and heart-warming.

Rafael’s mother takes the podium too, and basically thanks Sonny (Soleado) for loving Rafael and turning her son into “a much happier, much brighter, far less angry person than he was on his own.”

And then it’s time for vows. They both pull out notecards, but Sonny smiles at Rafael.

“You go first.”

Barba clears his throat, and looks down at his cards so he won’t get choked up. He’s learned how to cry with Carisi, but that’s just when they’re alone. Not when they’re in front of all the people they care about.

“Sonny, I’ve always been a little bit miserable. I’m not sure where it came from, how it started, but I know at some point, I fostered it. I built a wall around myself because I knew, or I figured, I was better off. That way when people got sick of me and left, I wasn’t so attached. But, now, there’s a rather large you-shaped hole in that wall, Sonny. And I think that’s because you never do anything halfway. If you want a cup of coffee, you fill it to the brim. If you think something, you’re not going to stop until you’ve put it out there. If you can’t stand a perp, it’s to the point of wanting to smash them over the head with a chair, sorry father.”

Their friends laugh.

“And when it came to me, the same logic applied. I didn’t realize our first date was our first date, but looking back now it’s pretty obvious. We went to a fancy restaurant, and you offered to walk me home. And, when I got there, you found my hand, gave it a squeeze, and you asked me if you could kiss me good night. I never give people the chance to ask that question, but you somehow got that chance. And I said yes. And I never regretted saying yes. In fact, I’ve never regretted saying yes to you. That’s what I want with you: a lifetime of unregretted yesses, something I never would have dreamed of before now. You are truly, utterly, completely amazing Sonny Carisi. You are the exception to all of the rules I’ve made for people in my mind. You are a person who loves with no ulterior motive, the way everyone should love. I don’t want to spend another day without you. You truly are el amor de mi vida.”

Sonny’s eyes are watering when Rafael looks up. A few tears have tracked their way down his face, while his lips are still pressed to a smile.

“Wow.” He whispers, then clears his throat. Like Barba, Carisi has to force himself to look at his cards.

“Rafael. When we first met, I thought you were just an ego in a suit.”

Some laughs bubble up. And Sonny laughs too.

“I thought you were arrogant and brass and you sure made no bones about pointing out my just being a law student. But, time went on, and I got to know you. I got to know the person who cares about the cases he tries. The person who works so hard to bring cases they’re sure they can win, because they can’t stand the thought of letting the victim down. I didn’t realize I was falling for you until it was too late, but I wasn’t mad. I looked at you and I saw someone I wanted to become.”

He pauses to wipe his eyes.

“I still look at you and see someone I want to be like. Someone who’s ruthless but knows where to draw the line. Someone with a big heart, even if nobody else knows it. Someone who people look at and think ‘this is someone I can trust with getting justice for the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.’ You’re so strong, but it’s the times when you let yourself be weak that I’ve fallen hardest for you. The Rafael Barba I know is one that likes cuddling and extra helpings of dinner without having to ask, and peppers our conversations with little Spanish terms of endearment. We’ve only been together for two years, but we’ve gotten so comfortable together. We know we’re safe around each other. I’ve never had this kind of trust with another person before, and I trust in us enough to know we won’t break it. I love you for all your charms, all your quirks, and all your pains. I love all of you. And I can promise with certainty that I will always love you, Rafe, no matter what.”

Rafael reaches over and squeezes Sonny’s arm. He puts on a smile to hide his welling eyes.

Sonny looks at him, but really he looks right through him. He knows Rafael is right on the verge of crying. The way Carisi smiles pushes a few more tears out of his own eyes.

Sonny pulls their wedding bands- plain silver- out of his pocket, and hands him the right one.

“Rafael Santiago Barba, do you take Dominick Vincenzo Carisi Junior to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, so long as you both shall live?”

“I do.” Rafael pushes out, and slides the ring onto Sonny’s finger while his own hand shakes.

“Dominick Vincenzo Carisi Junior, do you take Rafael Santiago Barba to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, so long as you both shall live?”

Sonny almost chokes on his words. “I do.”

The ring slides right onto Rafael’s finger, and his hand closes around Sonny’s, determined not to let it go.

“Very well. I now pronounce you married. You may kiss.”

****

The restaurant where the reception is held is walking distance from the church. The party room they have set up for them is a world away from the busy restaurant on the other side of the door.

It’s intimate enough that they can talk without yelling.

It’s the same kind of comfortable feeling as their Sunday family dinners. Even with Lucia there.

“Ay mijo, I can’t believe how exhausted I am.” She says during a lull in the conversation. Rafael chuckles.

“Of course you are Mami, you’ve been up since four.”

“I’ve been nervous since four!”

“Over what, Mira?”

She huffs “You’ll understand when you’re a parent. The most stressful day of your life is when your child marries off. Even with a short to-do list and a good person they’re marrying, it’s still absolutely nerve-wracking. Of course, it didn’t help that this one is cool as a cucumber.” She addresses the rest of the table. “And I’m trying to make him realize what a big deal this is.”

“I knew. I just wasn’t freaking out.”

She scoffs and looks at Bella. “You’re married, yes? You two?”

“Yes, we are.” She says, at ease. Lucia’s already spent plenty of time ingratiating herself to the only in-laws that showed.

“And when you got married, weren’t you nervous?”

“Uh…well, yeah, but not for the same reason. There were so many things I had to worry about. We had a huge wedding, and it was far from home too.”

Sonny scoffs. “Huge. You had sixty five people.”

“Yeah, which is like six times the size of this one. Wait, six right? Yeah, about six. See, I can still count. Anyway, it was super stressful.”

“Yeah, but it was gorgeous Bells. Perfect time, perfect place.”

“Oh, that was the weekend you spent in Montauk.” Rafael says to Sonny, then looks at Bella. “Those pictures were lovely.”

He’s so genuine, without a trace of malice in his voice. Bella is startled by remembering the timeline of events.

 _Bella, would you quit trying to hook me up with one of your bridesmaids? I’m okay, really_ she remembers her brother’s cross rejection at another plea to dance with her only single bridesmaid.

 _I would have invited him…he didn’t have to be left out_ she thinks guiltily.

Tommy picks up the ball for her. “It was, really. But we went there mainly for the honeymoon. We didn’t want to go too far though, so Montauk was the best for us. What about you guys?”

“Oh we’re going to Antigua, it’s going to be awesome.” Sonny answers.

“You been before?” Bella asks Rafael.

“I have.” Rafael says. “Years ago. I went on vacation, it was lovely.”

“Vacation? Like, with someone?”

Rafael chuckles. “Not a chance. Most of my vacations have been to get away from people. This was an extreme one. I didn’t even have my phone turned on. If I had been kidnapped, I would’ve been screwed.”

Sonny laughs. “Just in case you needed reaffirmation of that positive attitude, there it is.”

“I don’t need to be positive.” Rafael says.

“Yeah man.” Fin agrees. “That’s what people keep you around for.”

“They say opposites attract. I think this proved that.” Sonny wraps an arm around Rafael’s shoulders and squeezes.

“Yeah, sure. Sometimes.” Munch comments, and gives Liv a pointed look. The woman raises an eyebrow at him.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m just saying, you’d know about opposites attracting, wouldn’t you?”

“Munch, don’t be bitter.”

“Bitter? Munch? Never.” Elliot chimes in.

“I’m surprised you don’t have more to say about the topic. I’m not sure her last two boyfriends were your cup of tea.”

Elliot stops, and looks at Liv. “Boyfriends?”

“I didn’t mention that?”

“No. Not at all.”

She shrugs. “It’s not a huge deal. They’re in the past now.”

“Can I ask who ‘they’ are?”

Liv thinks while she sips her wine “Brian Cassidy.”

His eyes are wide. “And?”

“And…Ed.”

“Ed…Ed…Ed Tucker?!”

The group laughs at his reaction, and Liv nods, wearing her own amused look.

“Yes, Elliot, Ed Tucker.”

“Not at the same time, right?”

He gets elbowed in the ribs for that.

“See? That’s why I kept diverting the other day. I didn’t know how much you’d told him and oh look, you haven’t told him anything.” Rafael says.

“It hadn’t come up.” Liv defends.

“Uh huh.” Sonny’s unconvinced. “What, like going to the Bahamas and Paris didn’t come up?”

“Okay, now I have to know…who went with you to the Bahamas?” Elliot says, his breath back.

“Brian.”

Nick’s face changes into a shocked expression. “Oh…oh damn.”

“What’s up over there, Sagan? Just put two and two together?” Sonny asks.

“Yeah…wow, okay, I never realized that before.”

“Don’t worry, you’ve got a knack for not noticing other people’s relationships.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Sonny gestures between Rafael and himself. “Uh, hello? Right here?”

“Don’t give me that, you two were so composed! How was anyone supposed to notice that? You didn’t even flirt with each other.”

“Well…” Liv trails off.

“Please, you knew!” Rollins says. “You can’t say it was so obvious.”

“I’m not saying it was _obvious_. I’m just pointing out that the way they picked on each other was more flirting than anything else. It was different from Barba’s regular taunts.”

“Are you saying I went soft, Liv?” Barba asks.

“Just on Carisi. On everyone else you were your usual level of hardass. I wouldn’t insult you like that.”

He chuckles and sips his champagne, content.

A few moments later and the servers are coming around, collecting their dishes. They’ve been empty for over an hour, leaving them all free to talk.

Rafael reaches over and finds Sonny’s hand, giving it another good squeeze. His husband- _husband_ Rafael wants to giggle at the word- beams back and leans over for a kiss. A quick kiss. One they can share in front of their friends without making anyone uncomfortable.

“I can’t believe today’s been so perfect.”

“Me either. Something’s going right for us.” Rafael agrees.

“Sure is.”

Their attention gets diverted when they hear their friends ‘ahh’. Sonny turns his head, and his heart feels like it’s going to burst when he sees their cake being wheeled in.

“Oh my god…oh my god, it’s damn perfect!” He sounds giddy as he pops up out of his chair. Rafael’s own heart is a little jumpy, seeing their perfect cake in real life.

Perfectly white with red frosting flowers. But it’s the little figures on top that make it.

“God, these guys really got it right. Fucking look at the little dolls on top. They look just like us.”

Barba pecks Sonny’s cheek even though he can see Amanda’s phone being held up in the peripheries of his vision. He lets himself enjoy the moment. He lets himself be human, and wrap his hand around Sonny’s over the handle of the knife to cut the first two pieces. They take their plates from the cart holding the cake, and Sonny picks up a few forks.

“I know we’ve gone kinda light on the wedding clichés, but this one I wanna do.”

“Fine. Don’t stab me in the mouth though.”

“And don’t miss. I know it’s a reach for you.” Sonny retorts, and scoops up a bit bite of cake. Their friends ‘aw’ at the sweet moment. And it is sweet. The cake is incredibly sugary, the perfect contrast to their savory dinners. The vanilla cake is just as dense and the sample they tried, and the cannoli cream has extra chocolate chips like they asked.

 _Perfect, just perfect._ Sonny thinks, and steals another kiss from Rafael. Really, it’s an excuse to get the little bit of frosting stuck to Rafael’s lip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I fully admit, I took the idea of the nickname Soelado from Robin Hood (kjack89)'s fic "Not Until I Felt Your Sunshine", but I'm using it in a pretty different way.   
> Also, yes, this is super fluffy, and yes I so enjoyed writing it.   
> Keep the comments and kudos coming, I love knowing you guys are enjoying the story!


	6. Bliss

Their flight leaves JFK at 12:30, just like it’s supposed to. Rafael wraps his hand around Sonny’s, while they watch the ground beneath them get farther and farther away.

Sonny’s hand squeezes Rafael’s, and the younger man kisses him. “I can’t believe today happened.”

“Me ether.”

“Today was a total dream.” Sonny says, before letting out a long yawn.

“You sound like you could use a dream or two.”

“Eh. I’m a’right.” Another yawn betrays him. “Just a little tired. Mind if I catch 40 winks?”

“Go right ahead mi héroe, you’ve got a few hours.”

He smiles at that before taking out his phone and headphones. He only puts in one, leaving the other for Rafael to take. Which he does. It’s the soundtrack to _Hamilton._ He can stand listening to that for four hours.

The first class attendant comes around, but doesn’t talk when she sees Sonny asleep on Rafael’s shoulder.

When he sees the younger man’s headphone falling out, he gently pushes it into his ear. He moves closer to Rafael in his sleep.

It’s still dark when they land, and Rafael shakes Sonny awake. Sonny keeps a hand on Rafael’s back as they walk off the plane, but the soft breeze that washes over them is calming. They open the windows in the back of the car they get into. It ruffles up Sonny’s hair, throwing strands over his face.

The car delivers them to a street that has beach on the other side of it. They have to walk the rest of the way there. Sonny slips off his flip flops and lets his feet step over the warm sand, the grains tickling the soles. The house they come upon is the one they looked at online. Sonny pulls out his keys, where he has the one for this house, and opens the door.

It’s spacious, but not oversized, with plenty of windows to let in natural light. The air conditioning is going, so the main room they walk into is nice and cool.

“I bet the bedroom is nice too.” Sonny smirks over at Rafael.

“Lead the way, let’s see if you’re right.”

The room is easy to spot, since there are only three other doors visible from their place. Sonny opens the door and clicks the light on, and sure enough it is. The bed is huge- even bigger than their king-sized mattress at home- and covered in white bedding.

Sonny puts out a hand when Rafael moves to walk into the room.

“What?” Rafael asks.

“Put the bags down.” Sonny says, and does the same with his own luggage. Rafael gives him an odd look before doing as asked. Sonny’s thin, but he’s all muscle. It means he has no problem picking up Rafael bridal style and carrying him over the threshold.

“What’re you doing?” Rafael asks, his arms slung around Sonny’s neck.

“Being romantic.” Sonny answers, and sets him down on the bed. The sheets are cool, and the bed underneath cradles Rafael’s body. “How is it?”

“Perfect. A little big for just me though.”

“Subtle.” Sonny taunts and climbs on top of Rafael, straddling his hips. He kisses Rafael, his tongue pressing against the other man’s while his hands move to touch hm. The heat between them is turned up, their bodies knowing where things are going. 

It takes all of Rafael’s willpower to pull away, just for a second. Their faces are so close, he can’t see much besides Sonny’s eyes and a few curly strands of hair.

“What about the bags?”

Sonny chuckles. “What about ‘em? They’ll still be there.”

“Right now?” Rafael’s face pulls up in a crooked smile.

“Right now.” Sonny confirms, and kisses him again. He pushes up Rafael’s shirt, and Rafael reaches up to pull at his hair.

“Oh, wait, wait,” Sonny pulls away “don’t move. Don’t move a muscle.”

“What is it?” Rafael whines, his grip tightening on Sonny’s hair. “Where’re you going?”

“I just need one thing, I’ll come right back.” He kisses him again and springs off the bed, though he’s a little wobbly on his feet. Rafael hears a zipper opening, some shuffling, and then the zipper sound again. Rafael sits up when he sees Sonny come back. He smirks down at the older man before a bottle of lubricant lands next to him on the mattress.

“Should I get a little more comfortable while I’m up?” He asks. Rafael nods quickly, and Sonny seems damn proud of himself when he pulls off his t-shirt, then pushes a hand through his hair.

“Much better, it’s so warm here.” He stretches his arms over his head, arching his torso a bit before slipping off his shorts, along with his underwear. A whine escapes the back of Barba’s throat, and he reaches out for the other man.

Sonny climbs back on top of him and goes back to kissing Rafael, while his hands unbutton the older man’s shirt. Rafael leans up to push the fabric away in attempt to not break their kiss. Sonny does, again, and positions himself so he’s kneeling between Rafael’s legs, letting him pull off Rafael’s sweatpants and underwear in one move.

“Much better.” He rubs a hand over his hip. “Oh yeah, so much better. You like that, babe?”

“You being a tease?” He asks with a breathless chuckle. Sonny makes the same noise, and presses a kiss to his lips.

“You want anything special?”

“Anything you want, querido.” He purrs, sending a shiver down Carisi’s spine.

Sonny knows what he wants. He picks up the tube of gel and squirts a good amount into his hand, and uses it to massage Rafael the rest of the way to hardness. His hips buck up into Sonny’s hand, and the moans he lets out feed his desire.

“You like that, Rafe? You like fucking my hand?”

He groans, pushing into his grip even when it tightens.

“You look so pretty when you do it, too. But you want more, don’t you? You want something more around you. I can tell. Something tighter.”

“Please, hermoso, please, I’m not going to last.”

Again, Sonny chuckles, before moving himself into position. He looks down into Rafael’s gorgeous green eyes and slides his body down until they meet. The moan he lets out when Rafael presses into him is a little exaggerated, but he knows it’s what Rafael wants to hear.

It’s quite the image, Rafael watching that perfect body react to his length. His pale chest heaves, his head rolls back, his eyes close…

Rafael can’t resist pressing his husband’s thighs, massaging his hips, just trying to touch him any way possible.

But Rafael wants. He wants more. His chest and stomach feel cold, completely exposed to the air conditioning. The moans that Sonny lets out make his skin prickle with want, because he knows exactly how he must feel. He’s felt it a thousand times before.

 _I want_ Rafael thinks desperately when he sees Sonny’s hand reach down to fondle himself. He’s completely hard and crying out for more stimulation.

“Sonny.” He breathes, while his own hand reaches out to squeeze his scrotum, something he enjoys a great deal on himself.

The other man groans before he can look straight at Rafael. “Yeah babe? You like seein’ me like this?”

“Sonny…” The word is a moan this time. “I want…”

He sees the other man blink, trying to focus. “You want? What do you want, Rafe?”

“I want” he pants, looking for his words. “I want…more. More of you.”

“You want more, huh Rafe? You want more of me?”

“Yes.” He chokes out, his back arching off the bed when Sonny clenches around him.

“You want me in you, don’t you Rafe?” A devilish smirk crosses his face, and he rolls his hips, making Rafael press into him harder.

“Oh querido”

“You can’t resist, can you? You see me and you know how good it must feel. I bet you want me so bad.” The last words come out as a purr. He moves his touch up, and squeezes his length.

“Please mi héroe, please.” Rafael asks again, and again Carisi shudders. He has to pull off slowly, both of them gasping at the loss before Sonny gets Rafael ready. He smears the lube over his lover’s opening, but he can hear it in the way Rafael moans that he can’t take much more teasing. He presses in, and Rafael’s back arches off the bed at the sudden sensation.

Before he can forget himself, Sonny reaches up the bed and grabs one of the pillows. He puts it under Rafael’s back, letting him relax and enjoy himself a little more.

That action makes all the difference. It takes the strain off of Rafael, and it lets him pull Sonny down so they can kiss while his hips keep moving. They lose themselves in the heat of their moment, their bodies pressing together until they can’t get any closer.

Their bodies sync up. They feel each other, they read each other, and when it’s over they won’t let each other go.

Their high leaves them in a heap on the bed, while the only thing adorning their bodies is each other and their rings.

****

It’s the same time in Antigua as it is in New York City, so staying up the entire night helps neither of them. Staying up all night means sleeping the entire first day they’re there until the sun is high and bright into the sky. Not that it matters. Not that they leave their bedroom.

Not that they want to.

Especially not Rafael. He’s missed the feeling of having someone’s touch be constant and loving and never more than an arm’s length away. He’s not sure he’s ever had it before Sonny.

He’s not sure it would have meant as much with someone else. Because they wouldn’t have almost died protecting Rafael. They wouldn’t have almost gone to jail protecting him. They wouldn’t still love him. They would resent him.

All those reminders push the words “mi héroe” off his tongue whenever he can get it out. During their lovemaking, during their downtime, whenever he can use it he does. And Sonny loves it every time, despite his blank in translation.

They’re awake into the night, like normal. Neither one has found a reason to put clothes on yet. Even when Sonny makes them a late dinner (he’s so glad he paid to have the fridge stocked before they got there) he just makes sure not to cook anything that splatters.

They eat in bed. They give themselves a little time to wind down from their last bout of lovemaking. They put their dishes in the dishwasher, before finding their way back to bed. Sonny’s arms wrap around his waist, holding their bodies together.

Rafael hums when Sonny starts tracing words into his back.

“That feel good?” Sonny asks, but he already knows.

“Sure does.”

“Do you want a back rub?”

“Maybe later. I’m comfortable this way.” Rafael says, and closes his eyes.

He doesn’t fall asleep. His internal clock is backwards, so he just relaxes into the touch. He tries to figure out what’s being spelled into his back. There’s a lot of ‘love you’s and a lot of ‘husband’s. His touch his light, and his short nails tickle Rafael’s back.

_L-O-V-E Y-O-U_

_H-U-S-B-A-N-D_

_R-A-F-E_

_B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L_

_S-T-I-L-L A-W-A-K-E_

“Yes, I’m still awake.” Rafael murmurs against Sonny’s chest. “What’re you thinking?”

“I’ve got an idea.”

Rafael opens his eyes and looks up into Sonny’s. “This should be good.”

“Okay, just think about it for a minute. Before you shoot me down for being horribly clichéd”

“Don’t be defensive. I want to hear it.” Rafael sits up, and leans his chin in his hand.

“Let’s go skinny dipping.”

“You’re serious?” Rafael’s face pulls up in a smirk.

“Sure. C’mon, it’s late, it’s private, nobody else will know it. Let’s just go.”

The idea tickles Rafael, so he nods. “It’s an idea. Just grab a few towels first.”

“Oh yeah, my idea I get stuck having to grab the towels.” He laughs, and disappears into the bathroom. He tosses the towels at Rafael, and flashes him a cheeky smile before walking out onto the beach using the door in their bedroom. Rafael chuckles to himself before following, sliding the door shut behind himself. The bit of his brain that wants to triple lock the door behind himself is quiet in this place.

The further from the house they get, the more the color is leached from everything. The light the moon casts reduces everything to black and white. Rafael drops their beige- though they now look white- towels on the sand. Sonny is already waist deep when Rafael dips his toes in. The water is warm and inviting. He knows the cool night around him will feel freezing when he gets out again.

Still, the way Sonny drops under the water and pops back up, his hair slicked out of his face, he makes it look so soothing, so natural. The further Rafael goes into the water, he understands why. There’s nothing interrupting his contact with the water. There’s no barrier between his skin and the soft, salty breeze that comes off the ocean.

When he catches up to Sonny that dumb smile that makes Rafael’s stomach flutter appears.

“See? I get good ideas sometimes.”

Rafael reaches up, pushes an errant strand of hair out of Sonny’s face. “You have lots of good ideas.”

“You getting sappy on me?” He wraps an arm around Rafael, pulling him closer, sending a shiver through Rafael.

“Give me a break, I’m on my honeymoon. I can be as sentimental as I please.”

“Yes you can.” Sonny concedes, and pecks his lips before sinking down into the water.

Rafael’s muscles release the last of whatever tension he’s holding onto as he’s enveloped. Sonny touches him, gently caressing his back and pecking his face. It sets Rafael off, making him tingle over his chest and back, down his hips, through his legs and his arms. The ocean moves around them, lapping at the place where their bodies meet the water.

There’s a freedom found in simply being with nothing to hide behind. Just the two of their naked bodies pressed together under the open sky, with only the water protecting from the breeze. Rafael rests his head on Sonny’s shoulder, his face cooling against the other man’s damp skin. Nowhere in his memory can he find a feeling of being this close to someone.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Sonny asks, his thumb tracing a circle in Rafael’s back.

The breeze stirs around them, but it’s barely enough for them to feel. Not enough for them to hear.

“I don’t want to leave.” He murmurs. _I feel safe here._

Sonny’s chest sinks, letting out a laugh. “Me either.”

Rafael lets his hand drift down, feeling the knot of skin on his left thigh. Sonny’s hand wanders, up his lover’s back, over his neck, eventually resting his fingertips on the other man’s temple.

It’s quiet for a long time, the only sounds being their breathing and the lapping of water on the shore.

Sonny, after a while, pulls away and nudges Rafael’s neck with his nose, making him look up.

“Hey, guess what.”

“What?” Rafael asks, looking up into his eyes. Sonny’s smile widens once again.

“We’re married.”

“We are.” Rafael’s own smile grows. “How did that happen?”

He feels Sonny’s shoulders rise in a shrug. “Don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? You started it.”

Sonny chuckles under his breath, then presses a kiss to his lips. “Guess I did. You weren’t complainin’ though.”

“How do you know?”

“Because when I asked if I could kiss you, you said yes.” Sonny reminds, his hands resting at the bottom of his back.

“And I never regretted it.” He repeats, and squeezes his thigh. “Thank you for asking.”

“I know how you are with asking for things. You don’t like it, because you feel like you’re taking from them. But you don’t gotta worry about that. If you wanna ask. I love you, you’re always allowed to ask. No matter what.”

Rafael smiles gain, his throat tight. “I love you. So much. Te amo querido, te amo mi héroe.”

“I love you too.” Sonny tells him before planting another kiss.

****

Before Rafael mentioned Cuba as part of their honeymoon, it was a place Sonny had given very little thought to. Before he met Rafael, he had given no thought to it.

The first time he thought about it with any depth was when Barba came into work one December afternoon with a smile on his face. It was just a few months after Sonny started with SVU, and he’s pretty sure it was the first time he’d seen that genuine of a smile from the smaller man. It had been Rollins to ask why he was so happy. He simply told her “Looks like the Cold War between Cuba and the U.S. is finally ending. My mother is crying, my grandmother is so excited I’m worried she’ll fall and break her new hip.”

That had meant little to either Carisi or Rollins. Because really, what did either of them need to know about Cuba?

Sonny spent one day, before he went undercover, clicking around on tourist websites about Cuba, trying to find anything. What he found was a lot of history, plenty of propaganda, and some very gorgeous pictures.

Rafael warned Sonny that it would be hot. When they get out of the plane, he understands why. It’s not the heat that’s so bad, but the overwhelming humidity. The jacket Sonny wore in the refrigerator of an airplane comes right off, but even carrying it makes the skin on his arm hot.

Carisi accepts that he’s useless here. He lets Rafael handle everything, while quietly being impressed with his new husband’s perfect Spanish. Hearing it used with someone other than Lucia or a victim or a perp makes him realize how fluent Rafael is.

But then again, he knew that. He knew that Rafael was always bilingual. It’s just doubly impressive in action. He’s glad that they get to spend their last two days in a place he can use it.

They land in Havana, but the first thing they do is find a driver to take them to a place called Quarta, an hour and a half away from the city. Sonny takes a picture of the car while Rafael hashes out a fare with the driver, because he’s sure anyone who knows anything about cars would get a kick out of this. Sonny doesn’t know cars, but he’s impressed by the classic, powder blue vehicle that looks like it just drove out of the 1950’s. It’s the coolest car he’s ever ridden in.

The car has no seatbelts though, and it means the ride on the broken roads outside the city are jarring. Rafael holds his hand, even though it’s too hot for that, and rubs his thumb over Sonny’s knuckles.

“It’s a good thing you’re not car sick.”

“Ditto.” Sonny says, and leans his head on Rafael’s. Their skin is sticking together from sweat, but Sonny doesn’t mind. Even with the way it shakes, there’s beauty in the sparse countryside.

They still share a few kisses, despite the heat and the humidity and the looks the driver is giving them.

The car comes to a stop in front of a worn out home, and Rafael pulls out a few hundreds, which he hands over to the driver. Sonny steps out of the car, the vibrating sensation from his body fading away. He moves to get their bags from the trunk, but flinches when he hears a loud cry. His eyes land on an old, tan, heavyset woman who comes running out despite the cane in her hand.

Rafael goes right to her, wearing a huge, genuine smile while his arms wrap around her. She keeps on exclaiming, though her words are muffled by the way she’s hugging Rafael. Sonny waits before approaching them, now carrying the luggage. He sets it down behind himself before he’s noticed. Rafael looks some of the happiest that Sonny has ever seen him.

“Oh, right, of course. Sonny, this is my grand aunt, my abuelita’s sister, Adelina. Mira” his gaze switches back to the old, plump woman “este es me esposo, Soleado.”

Sonny’s nervous for a split second before her face breaks into an awed smile, and she rests a hand on his cheek.

“Soleado.” She says, and he can hear the adoration in her voice. He smiles back at her, but just lets her look at him. She says something in Spanish that he can half-understand with his fluent Italian, but like the entire rest of the day he looks at Rafael for guidance.

“She says you’re even more handsome than in your pictures.”

“Aw, really?” He feels himself beam and looks down at the precious woman, still gazing at him with eyes similar to Rafael’s. “Gracias. I know that much.”

Again she exclaims in joy before pulling him down for a tight, crushing hug. She doesn’t let him out of her grasp, pulling him into their tiny home by the arm. He overhears both the words ‘alto’ and ‘flaco’, and Rafael letting out a few laughs while he’s left to take the bags.

Inside the glorified shack is a man, sat at a table in what seems the only communal space, hooked up to an oxygen tank. He looks up from a book, and says something that sounds surprised, but Sonny can’t be completely sure. He hears Adelina use the term ‘Soleado’ and ‘esposo’ before she looks at Sonny.

“Soleado, este es mi esposo, German. German…” again, the words get lost in a jumble. The man lifts himself from his seat and offers a smile and a firm handshake, and a “bienvenidos.”

“Gracias.”

“Ah, no hay de que.” The man says casually and lowers himself back into his seat. Rafael reappears, still glowing as he jumps into conversation. Sonny openly watches as the two of them talk. He hears a change in tone when Adelina starts gesturing to the stove, and Rafael’s voice hardens. Sonny looks at the old man who’s returned to reading his book, like this might give him any idea of what’s being said.

Before he can pull away, the elderly woman has a hand wrapped around the part his forearm a few inches down from his wrist, and is shaking the limb fervently. He feels it in the way she talks to Rafael that she’s offended. The word “flaco” gets thrown out there again.

“Is she telling us to eat?” Sonny asks, breaking up the conversation.

“Yes.” Rafael huffs. “Even though the stubborn old woman does this every time. I know when I try to repay her she won’t hear any of it.”

“Rafe, please, we’re guests in her home. She’s making us food. Don’t insult her. Tell her I really appreciate her cooking for us, even though it’s so expensive.”

Rafael sighs before relaying the message, and she smiles in triumph. She releases his arm and instead kisses the top of his head a few times, then waddles her way back to the stove. He has a feeling he knows what the phrase “…mas como tu esposo” means, but he won’t laugh about it. Instead, he watches Rafael pull out utensils and dishes like he lives there, and helps her serve their early dinner/late lunch. Again, Rafael protests over something, but she shoots him down.

Plates mounded up with yellow rice, beans, and what Sonny thinks is shredded pork are placed on the table, first in front of the two men sitting at it. German sets his book and glasses aside and digs in. Sonny waits until Rafael is sat down, which proves to take a little long since he keeps trying to help Adelina with whatever she’s doing. When she catches him waiting, she snaps her fingers at him.

“A comer, ahora!”

He doesn’t need to be told twice. He’s starving, and the food is incredibly satisfying, but he still eats slowly so he’s only half done when the two of them sit down. Then he lets himself dig in while the words of a conversation he can’t understand fly around him.

When it’s time for the dishes to be cleared away, Rafael instructs Sonny to go sit ‘afuera’. Sonny takes that, and the gesture towards the back door, as his sign to go outside.

It’s not so bad. There’s a concrete patio in desperate need of repair, as grass has started growing out of a crack in the slab. There are a few more unstable looking chairs and a crude wooden skeleton that holds sheets of mosquito netting over the whole thing. He sits, because it’s better than standing, and allows himself think about how mind numbingly humid it is. How he’s never felt this kind of hot before. How, in its own horrible way, it’ll always hold good memories for him.

The door creaks open again, and Sonny turns to see German exiting the house, oxygen tank in one hand, a few cigars and a matchbox in the other. He pulls another chair over next to Sonny before handing him one.

“Oh. Gracias.” Sonny says, taking a match when offered as well. He’s never been a big cigar smoker, but he’s done it enough to know what he’s doing. For a while, the two men sit in relative silence, since inside they can hear Rafael and Adelina talking, and the sound of the radio playing something indistinct.

“I spent five years in America, so my English is pretty good.” German speaks up. Sonny turns to stare, then lets out an incredulous laugh.

“Wow man, thanks. Way to help me know what’s going on.”

There’s no malice. The old man laughs and takes a puff from his cigar.

“I figured Rafael would tell you what you needed to know. Don’t worry, you missed very little. So, is your name really Soleado?”

He chuckles. “I mean, it’s what Lucia calls me. My actual name is Dominick, but everyone calls me Sonny.”

“Ah, yes, right.” He nods in understanding. “The first time I read that I thought that was a joke. Now I see.”

“Read that?”

“You know.” The man taps his ash right onto the ground. “In one of Rafael’s letters. He mentioned someone named ‘Soleado’ I think ‘no, not their real name’.”

 _Oh right. Duh. The letters._ “Guess you were right. I don’t know anything about you though, German. Tell me something about yourself.”

He shrugs. “What’s to tell? Aside from my time in Estados Unidos I spent all my life here. Before I got old and useless I was a cop.”

“Seriously?”

“Oh, sure! Spent 28 years doing that before I got shot.”

“Hey, I’ve been shot too. Probably not as bad.”

German’s face flicks with surprise before settling again. “Oh, yes, Rafael, he says you’re a cop too?”

“Sure am.” He agrees. “Member of an elite squad, if I don’t say so myself.”

“Is it true you’ve got some interesting stories?”

Sonny beams, and takes another drag from his cigar before turning to the man. “Boy, do I have some stories for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My writing about Cuba is based on my (Cuban) mother's experiences there. It's nice having a real Spanish speaker around to help me make sure everything sounds right.  
> Ah, some more fluff to soothe the soul. And some happy family memories.  
> Keep on commenting. I love hearing from you guys!


	7. Generosity

The plane that leaves José Martí International Airport is heavily air conditioned. Even with the humid air floating around inside, the cold air takes the weight off of everyone’s chests.

Still, Sonny feels a little sad by the relief. Without the feeling of that sweltering heat pressing down his shoulders, their honeymoon starts to feel like a memory. He laces his hand with Rafael’s as the plane takes off, the island disappearing beneath them. Rafael squeezes his hand, making Sonny look away from the window. The pieces of hair that fall over the side of his face are much blonder than when they left.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, fine. Just sad that it’s over already.”

“Hard to believe we’ve been married almost a week already.”

“Yup. Just a few more hours and we’ll be married a week. Hey, happy week-a-versary.”

“You’re joking.”

“Hey, at least I didn’t say one week anniversary.”

“No, you didn’t. Very good job on that one.”

Sonny smirks a little, proud of himself, before looking out the window again. “We should come back.”

“We will.” She made me promise I wouldn’t wait so long next time.”

“You did wait a long time. At least two and a half years.”

“Four years. I remember, it was right after the second inauguration.”

“Cuba in January. What’s that like?”

“Comfortable. We’ll come in the winter next time, don’t worry.”

Sonny nods, and squeezes his hand again before pulling out his phone, and pops in one of his headphones. Rafael takes the other without asking. He smiles as the soundtrack to _Evita_ begins.

“That’s in poor taste.” Rafael says. Sonny shrugs, and closes his eyes, listening to his half of the music while his brain fills in the half coming into Rafael’s ear.

He doesn’t realize he’s nodded off until he’s nudged awake. The light that greets him is lower in the sky than it was, but not set like it might already be a few months earlier.

“We home?” Sonny asks, sitting up. His earbud falls out, while his hands grasp to put his phone away.

“Almost.” Rafael confirms, and stretches in his seat. They wait, letting people rush off the plane. It’s not like they’re in any hurry.

“What time is it?” Sonny asks.

“Uh…” he looks at his watch “a little after six.”

“Happy week week-a-versary.” Sonny leans down and kisses him, warm and sweet despite the groan he hears from someone walking by.

The heat of New York City feels like nothing to Sonny when they walk from the plane to the terminal. The frigid air inside JFK overwhelms the clothes he’s wearing, so he pulls on his sweatshirt for warmth. Everything about the airport feels a little sad. Like closing a good book. Even though it’s over, and Sonny’s glad with the way it ended, he wants it to keep going.

They share the melancholy in the cab ride home, and in the elevator of their building. When they get into the apartment, the air feels stale. Sonny flicks on the light, then stops and stares.

“Oh my…” Rafael trails off, eyes wide. After a few stunned seconds, Sonny laughs.

They invited nine people to their wedding. There are more than nine boxes waiting in their living room. Way more. There’s some smaller boxes stacked on the kitchen table, but the larger ones are on the floor.

“What the hell? Would you fuckin’ look at this!” Sonny manages, walking around the maze of brown cardboard boxes, all with return addresses from Amazon or Bed Bath and Beyond. “Who the hell did you tell where we were registered?” Sonny turns his gaze on Rafael, who’s just barely in the door, staring at the mess of boxes.

“Me? Why do you assume it’s me?”

“Because I just told my sister! C’mon, who’d you tell?”

“Nobody! Just Liv and the squad and…” he stops, and lets out a slight laugh. “Oh god.”

“What? Who’d you tell?”

“Buchanan.”

“What?” Sonny laughs. “The hell did you do that for?”

“He asked where we were registered, I figured he was being facetious.”

“Damn. Seems Buchanan leaks like a church roof.” Sonny sits down on the couch. “Glad we asked the Lieu to get our mail.”

“What’re you doing?”

“Wha? Lets open ‘em.”

“Right this minute?”

“Sure, why not? Our bags will still be there in a few hours. Come on, let’s see what we scored.”

‘Score’ is a good word for it. There’s fifty eight boxes in total, all of them gift wrapped underneath their shipping boxes. Some give more than others. Some give far more than others.

Some, like Chief Dodds, seem to be over compensating with their gifts.

“Open the card” Carisi insists for the dozenth time. Rafael rolls his eyes but complies, opening the card. A check falls out, landing face down.

“Dear Detective and Counselor, it is absolutely lovely to hear that you two are to be married. May you be blessed with a long and happy life, filled with dreams and aspirations and the ability pursue and achieve both. Please don’t think too much of this gift, it’s just something to get you off on the right foot. Sincerely, Chief Dodds.” Barba reads out, then slides the box over for him to open.

“Woah, no way!” Sonny exclaims when he unwraps the whole new set of professional-grade cookware. Barba blinks, staring at Sonny’s overwhelmingly excited face. He’s sure that was one of the most expensive items on either of the registries.

He shakes his head and sets the card on top of the box, only to see the check in his lap. He picks it up, and nearly chokes.

“What?” Sonny asks. Rafael blinks hard before handing him the slip of paper. His own face widens in disbelief.

“What the…three thousand dollars? Is that what this says?”

“That’s what I saw.”

“But…” he quiets when his gaze falls on the memo line. In the Chief’s slightly compressed handwriting, it reads ‘Congratulations from Mike and I.’ “Oh…oh damn.”

“What?”

Sonny hands it back to him, and now he catches the sentiment. His hardened disdain for the absentee Captain softens at that, and at the way Sonny is getting teary eyed.

“That’s…that’s really something.” Carisi says when he has his voice again. He clears his throat and looks down at the box of cookware with a whole new appreciation. But Rafael, he’s not so trusting. He sees through the highly extravagant gift and the dropping of his son’s name as a way of trying to apologize.

It doesn’t work on Rafael. But Sonny’s already forgiven him, this is just gravy.

They work their way through the pile, while being sure to attach the cards to their gifts so they know who to thank for what. This task takes them into the evening, the world getting dark outside their windows.

“A’right, what do we have here?” Sonny asks, picking up another box and slicing it open. The actual gift inside is just as big as its shipping container.

“What is it?” Barba asks. Sonny shrugs and picks up the card.

“Looks like it’s from Rita Calhoun.”

“Really?” He asks, and takes the card, opening it. It’s a slightly generic but still appropriate wedding card. Underneath the sappy pair of sentences wishing them luck, Rita’s handwriting gives out the real sentiment. ‘This was the most appropriate gift I could think of for a cop and a lawyer. I know it won’t go to waste. Your friend, Rita.”

Sonny glances over the card, then picks up the comically large box “It’s light.” Sonny says, and shakes it slightly. “It rattles.”

“Open it.” Barba prompts. Sonny tears away at the paper, and the moment they see what it is, they both laugh. It’s a 100-count box of the Keurig k-cups, the same kind Barba always used at the office before switching back to a coffee pot, and a hundred-dollar gift card for the Keurig website. Barba can’t help feeling a flicker of endearment.

“I’m going to call her, thank her for this.” He says, and steps out of the room, dialing her number.

“Calhoun.” She picks up on the second ring.

“Hello Rita.” Barba offers, a smile sill on his face.

“Barba! You’re back from your honeymoon?”

“I am, indeed. I wanted to call, though, because we just got your gift. How thoughtful of you. But you didn’t have to do that. Just because Buchanan leaks you information doesn’t mean you have to do anything with it.”

“I know. I wanted to.”

“It’s very kind of you. We appreciate it. Gave Sonny and I a nice laugh.”

“Well I remember you complaining about how much a waste of money those things are, so I figured I’d waste money for you.”

“All that money got us on the phone, surely it can’t be a waist.”

“That’s true, that’s very true. Seems my investment has already paid off.”

“You know me, Rita, I don’t come cheap.”

“I do know you, Barba. I know you’re still angry at me.”

He presses his lips together.

“I know you’re doing that thing. That thing where you press your mouth shut so you won’t say something regrettable.”

“Well, what do you want me to do, Rita? You want me to yell? You want me to scream? A lot of good it did me the first time.”

“See? I knew you were still angry.”

“Angry that you bought into- no, nope, I’m not doing this now.”

Sonny appears in Rafael’s vision. He sits down next to him on the bed while Rita talks.

“Oh come on, don’t be like that. Talk to me, dammit. I know you’re capable of that.”

“No, I’m capable of talking genuinely to my friends. Not to someone who-“

“You always took that so personal. You know, the whole world doesn’t revolve around you. Not everyone’s life decisions are a direct attack at you.”

“Well we’re not talking about everyone’s life decisions, we’re talking about your decision to leave prosecution so you could charge an arm and a leg defending serial killers in fancy suits.”

Sonny’s hand finds its way into his free one.

“I said we could make a go of it together.”

“And you remember what I said to that?”

“Something to the effect of you’d rather eat your own tie than defend people like that. Thank you, by the way, for that mental image. Still haunts me.”

“Well it’s nice to know you still think of me without being prompted.”

“Did you ever think that maybe- just maybe- I was the one to do the prompting?”

“It hadn’t crossed my mind.”

“I knew before Buchanan. I knew a whole three weeks before him. I still acted surprised when he told me, but I had already picked out what to get you. Something you and your detective could get real use out of.”

“Always one step ahead of everyone. That hasn’t changed.”

“And you being angry at me. That really hasn’t changed.”

He’s silent a moment, and he lets his head rest on Sonny’s shoulder. “That hurt, Rita. You had no qualms about abandoning all the good work you’d done. I was really proud to have you as a friend.”

“I miss that.”

“Oh stop, you’re better than that. You’ve gotten approval from people further up the food chain than myself.”

“That’s not what I mean. I mean…I mean I miss you, Barba. I miss having you as a friend. I miss having someone tell me I’m wrong in half the time it would take the average person.”

She’s said it. She’s always been better at saying that kind of thing straight up.

“And I miss correcting your mistakes, Rita. But that doesn’t mean I can just forgive you “

“I should know better.”

There’s a good minute of silence, while both of them meditate on what to say next.

“Thank you for the gift, Rita.”

“Thank you for accepting it. I hope you and detective Carisi are happy together. I guess I should go, let you get back to that happiness.”

“Yeah, I guess you should.”

Some more silence. “See you around, Barba.”

He pulls his phone away from his face and watches the screen click off, signaling the call has ended.

“You okay?” Sonny asks. Barba looks at his phone, then at Sonny.

“I feel like I just spoke with a ghost.” He pauses, and when Sonny just looks at him sadly he speaks again. “It sounds like her, and I know it’s her on the other end of the line. But it’s not the same.”

Sonny’s arms wrap around him, pulling him into a firm hug. He’s treating Rafael like the betrayal is fresh, like Sonny isn’t just now hearing all of this years after the fact.

“I’m sorry.” He offers, and kisses the top of his head. “Friendships are hard.”

“They are.” Rafael agrees.

Sonny holds him just long enough. Long enough that the sting of his old, broken friendship is soothed but not so long that he gets to dwell on it.

“Hey, you know as much fun as our honeymoon was, I’m really glad to be home” Sonny offers when he comes back into the room with their luggage.

“What, you miss our tiny bathroom?”

“Not tiny, same size as our old one.”

“It is, but the way it’s laid out makes it feel smaller.”

“Be that as it may.” Sonny plops his suitcase on the bed. “This place has a bigger kitchen. And you know me, I’m picking kitchen every time.”

“You’re so domestic.”

“Thanks. I pride myself on our home, but you knew that.”

Of course he knows that. He sees it in the way he always wants their friends around. And every time they’re there, he points out the new photo on their mantel or wall, or the new lamps that go so much better with their sofa than the old one.

Rafael watches Sonny unpack. His body takes up just enough space in their bedroom, making it feel the perfect size. There’s a grace to the way he chucks his dirty clothes into their empty hamper before unpacking the trinkets they brought back for their friends. He doesn’t make a big deal when he catches Rafael staring, just flashes him a smile and goes back to his task.

But Rafael finds it in himself to get up and go shower. Sonny presses a kiss to his temple before he walks into the next room.

They slip back into their routine. The clinginess of their honeymoon ebbs away, letting them work around each other. Sonny orders food for them while Rafael is cleaning up, and when they eat it’s in companionable silence on opposite sides of the couch, not cuddled up like they were a few days ago. It’s comfortable. It’s easy.

 _Sonny’s easy_ Rafael thinks when his thoughts drift to the now-blonder man he’s sharing a sofa with. The thought seems impossible. Like, how could Carisi ever be easy? He’s the eager to please detective with too much to prove and too many ideas he wants to put out there. Except here, he’s just Sonny.

And Barba gets to be just Rafael.

They are not their titles or their jobs. They simply are.

It means that they can move around in their apartment without micromanaging each other. It means that Rafael can look at Sonny and get a quick smile or a slight kiss for a response, without needing words to go along with them. It means they can let each other do their own thing while knowing they’ll be together when they get into bed.

That happens pretty early today. Rafael’s under their comforter before midnight, reading from the book that he’d read only a few chapters from during their honeymoon. The action works, making his eyelids heavier with every turn of the page. When Sonny comes out of the bathroom, dressed in a fluffy blue robe, Rafael marks the book and sets it aside.

Sonny hums to himself as he goes about his business. When he’s ready, he comes over to his side of the bed and drops the robe to the floor. He gets in, completely naked. Rafael raises an eyebrow.

“Uh…is this a signal?”

“Signal?” Sonny asks, then blinks. “Oh. No. Just got used to it on vacation. Does this bother you?”

“No, of course not. Just surprised is all.”

“You’re cute when you’re surprised. I don’t get to see that often.” Sonny presses a kiss to his cheek, then turns off the light on his side, the room going dark.

Once Sonny’s is settled down, he feels the mattress shift underneath him. A moment later, Rafael’s head is on his chest, and his arm is slung over his waist.

“Goodnight, Rafe. I love you.”

“I love you too, Sonny.”

There’s a beat of silence.

“Te amo, mi héroe. Te amo mucho.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Rita has returned! I missed her so much from the last story that I just couldn't let her go.   
> I only have a few chapters left in this story, but the last two are going to probably be 5000+ words each so be prepared.   
> Thank you for all the lovely comments and kudos.


	8. Collision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: slurs/hate language

Once again, Rafael and Sonny’s home is filled with their friends. Sunday morning Carisi goes to church, and Sunday afternoon he comes home to start cooking. Today it’s baked penne vodka, and it’s that smell that greets everyone who comes into their apartment.

A welcome back lunch, with most of the people they love. Lucia is disappointed she can’t be there, while Tommy and Bella are busy with Veronica, who’s managed to catch Bronchitis in June.

So it’s just the cops and Barba, sat around, catching up. The conversation starts off being about what they missed at work before Amanda asks how their trip was.

“Oh my god, you have no idea. It was, like absolutely gorgeous.” Sonny answers.

“You guys went where again?” Fin asks.

“Antigua and Cuba. Both gorgeous. Cuba was hot as balls but still amazing.”

“It wasn’t that bad.” Fin retorts.

“Sure it was!”

“And it didn’t help that the stove was on the entire day before we showed up.” Rafael adds. “We stayed with my grand aunt, Adelina. Cooking with a wood stove in a house with no air conditioning when it’s a hundred degrees outside and a hundred and twenty percent humidity isn’t really a cooling solution.”

“You have family there?” Liv asks.

“Sure. I used to go see Adelina and German every other year. Usually with mi abuelita, but I haven’t been since she passed. When I said in my last letter that I was getting married she begged me to come see her. We figured, why not?”

“And it was totally worth it. I swear, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone happier.”

“Yeah, because of you.” Rafael teases. “She kept telling me how shocked she was that he was actually real. Even though I’d sent her pictures of us.” He chuckles. “It’s a good thing we were just there for the day. I’m not sure how many more times I could’ve heard ‘look at that, el juez didn’t scare off the good cop’ without my eyes permanently rolling back into my head.”

“Sounds like the snark is genetic.” Munch pipes in.

“It would seem so.” Barba agrees. “But it was watered down by her happiness.”

“Happiness.” Sonny mutters. “Happily shoving food down my throat.”

“Hey, come on, what did you expect?” Rafael asks.

“Not three meals in one evening, that’s for damn sure. Not in a place that is run off of government rations.”

“She thought you were too skinny.” Nick chips in.

“Oh, absolutely. She kept calling me ‘flaco’. Now I know that word and the word ‘esposo’. After hearing them like fifty times in one conversation.”

“And of course then she looks at me and goes ‘you got skinny again!’ To which I say “Mira, that’s a good thing. Last time I left here I couldn’t fit into my clothes.”

The group laughs.

“I’m serious! Somehow in a land of poverty I manage to gain fifteen pounds in two weeks. Of course that’s because they’re using lard and what not, but still!” He sighs fondly. “That was nice. Next time we go, it’ll be in the winter. It’s much nicer in the winter.”

“How do you manage that?” Elliot asks. “Since traveling to Ciba is a nightmare for American citizens.”

“Uh…it’s a funny story. I’m actually a dual citizen.”

There’s a universal shout of “what?!”

Well, near universal. Sonny just laughs.

“I never mentioned that?”

“No, you didn’t.” Liv says.

“What about you?” Amanda asks Sonny. “You didn’t think to mention that?”

He shrugs. “When the hell does that sort of thing come up?”

“Does that answer your question?” Rafael asks. Elliot nods.

“So…is that the only family you have there?” Liv broaches when the shocked hubbub dies down.

“I get letters from my father’s family- his older siblings who stayed behind when their parents left- but I don’t have the patience for that.”

“Why?” Elliot asks, still tactless. Barba sighs.

“Because I can’t stand my father, if you must know. I’m not upset he’s dead. He was always a huge point of stress in my life, and I don’t miss him one bit. I certainly don’t need to be reminded of him by looking at his brothers, who all look like him.”

There’s pained silence that fills the room. Elliot takes a long pull from his beer bottle

“So…is this the ‘people with bad dads’ support group?” Elliot manages, trying to not make it sound like a joke.

Carisi gives a forced laugh. “You could say that.”

“Your father’s not so bad.” Nick says, getting an emphatic look from Carisi. “Well he’s not _great_ but-“

“I know, I know. Comparatively, he’s not so bad. He’s just a huge disappointment, but he never hit me or anything.”

“Can I ask what happened?” Elliot asks, a little gentler this time.

“Sure, why the hell not? When I was charged, you know with that show trial we told you about, I basically got outed. My dad got so fucking mad, but not because I killed a guy. Because I was living with another guy. He flipped shit. I had no idea he’d go that fucking ballistic. I never yelled so much as I did while arguing with him. I scared the fuck out of Noah who was cowering in the next room. He brought out the worst in me. But, again, comparatively he wasn’t so bad.”

Liv had left that out. But then again, of course she would. It’s not like it was her story to tell.

“I’m sorry.”

Carisi scoffs. “Hey, could’ve been worse. My dad’s the good one in this bunch.”

“It’s not a competition, Carisi.” Nick speaks up again. “What he did was still fucked up.”

“As much as hearing you say that helps, Nick…eh, it’s apples and oranges.”

Nick rolls his eyes, then looks at Elliot. There’s another silent question in his face.

“You might as well know. It’s a matter of public record. My father went on trial for cracking his child bride’s skull against a wall at their rehearsal dinner.”

“Oh god…”

“Uh huh. One in a long line of his offenses. He used to treat me and my mother the same way. Course, he got off. And then told me he perjured himself on the stand. He could beat the hell out of someone and charm them into testifying for him.”

Nick’s jaw locks, and he looks down. Sonny scoots over and puts a hand on his back. He lets out a sigh.

“That’s not even the best part. The best part is I’ve cut him out of my life since all that happened. I hadn’t heard from him until a few days ago.”

“You’re joking.” Liv doesn’t sound surprised. He shakes his head.

“I get here, and an hour later he calls me, saying “I heard you’re in New York.” He laughs. “I’m in new York to see my son and be with my friends. I’m not here to see my favorite living nightmare.”

“You said that to him?” Liv asks.

“No. I hung up.”

“You hung up on your father? Just like that?” Barba asks. Nick nods. “Good for you.”

“At least we’re around people who can empathize.” Amanda offers, then looks at Elliot. “My dad’s where I got my gambling addiction from. I mean, my whole family is fucked up, but he didn’t help.”

“Like you said, at least we understand.” John speaks.  

It’s quiet for a while, before Sonny brings up something to jump start the conversation again. Elliot’s not paying attention. His mind is on his own father. When he glances over at Liv, and catches her staring at him. _It’s not the same, but she understands._  

She also keeps throwing looks at Barba to see if he’s okay. The sudden show in vulnerability hasn’t dampened his mood, or his wit, since he keeps throwing out one-liners. She also notices the way Sonny keeps giving him sidelong glances, wondering the same thing.

The painful moment in time is nearly washed from memory when Elliot’s phone buzzes in his pocket. He takes it out, then sighs.

“Aw man, I hate to do this but I have to head out now you guys.”

That gets a chorus of ‘aw’s and ‘no’s.

“Where you gotta be?” Sonny asks.

“My daughter texted me, told me she’s home for a few days. I know she just got here-“

“Hey, say no more man.” Carisi gets up to say goodbye, pulling him into a hug. He gives him a few good smacks on the back, then pulls back to look at him. “Go, do your thing, be a good dad. Don’t be a stranger, a’right?”

“Not a chance.”

Elliot gets passed around for goodbyes before he leaves, and Sonny locks the door behind him.

“So you guys are all good now, right Lieu?”

“We’re square.” She reassures. “We’ve put it all out there. No more resentment or secrets or any of that.”

“Good for you. I always like seein’ people get back together. Not like in a couple way, just in the ‘man, you used to be a big deal in my life and it’s weird without you being a part of it’ kinda way.”

“Me too” she agrees, a smile crossing her face. Sonny smiles back and picks up Elliot’s dishes, bringing them into the kitchen. There’s a knock, and Sonny goes to check it since he’s already up. His face sours when he sees who it is, and a moment later the door is opened.

“Hey, dad. What’re you doin’ here?”

“I came by to see my son. What, there a new law against that I don’t know about?

“How the hell did you get in here?”

“Well, y’know, there was a guy coming out and I ran up, asked him to hold the door for me.”

Carisi sticks his tongue into his cheek and lets out a hard laugh. “Dark hair? Buzz cut? Medium build? No way he just let you walk in.”

“I said I forgot my key, and that I just needed to run back in.”

“Wow, lying and hating your kid, you’re a real piece of work.”

“Hey, come on, don’t start. I just wanted to talk to you. What, you throwin’ a party in here or something?”

“Just having a family dinner. Y’know, with my real family.”

Everyone’s silent.

The older man pushes his way in, the door closing behind him. “I didn’t know the fucking island of misfit toys was your family.”

“Fucking excuse me?” Sonny gets in front of him again. “You got something to say, how about you fucking say it and leave.”

“Gentlemen, let’s take a deep breath here.” Liv appears, trying to put some space between them.

“Ah, what do you know you nosy broad.”

“Hey, shut the fuck up.” Sonny says, getting back in his face. “That ‘broad’ you’re talkin to is my lieutenant. Y’know, the one who testified for me, the one who took me into her home, and did it again even after they tried to kill us again. Oh, but that’s right, you wouldn’t fucking remember because you” he pokes his dad’s chest “were too busy being fucking embarrassed of me to worry about that.”

“Carisi-“

“No, Lieu, please stay out of this. He doesn’t fucking understand. No amount of talking is going to get through to this numb skull.”

“Numb skull? Wow kid. Y’know, I just wanted to talk to you, but I can’t get a word in edge wise without you getting up on your high horse.”

“My high horse? Really? Me? On a high horse? The fucks the matter with you?”

“A’right Carisi, man, chill out.” Fin steps in, taking Liv’s place near the two of them.

“Aw, what does this nigger know? Probably doesn’t even know his own kids.”

A stunned silence falls over the apartment.

Everyone is staring at him.

The shocked exhale from Sonny breaks it, followed by his screaming.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?! What the actual fuck is wrong with you?!” He grabs his father by the shirt and throws him back against the door, which then sends him to the ground. Liv and Fin pull him back, putting some space between them before Rafael gets up, trying to keep him near the door.

“You need to leave, right now.”

“Get your hands off me, faggot.” He spits, and shoves Rafael’s shoulder, but not hard enough to actually knock him over.

“Get out! Get the fuck outta my house!” Sonny yells, red from hairline to neckline.

“Y’know what? Fine! I’ll get out. But just remember one thing Sonny: your name.” He points a finger at his son. “Take a look at your name. No matter what, you’re still Dominick Carisi _Junior!_ That’s right, _Junior_!”

“That’s it!” Nick snaps, springing out of his chair and lunging for Dominick. Amanda has to grab him, and Barba puts himself between the two of them, keeping him at bay.

“Let me at him! Let me get a swing at him! Let me go!” Nick yells, fighting against both of their grips.

“What’s the crazy spick’s problem, huh?”

“You really need to stop talking.” John jumps in, corralling the other man close to the door.

“Fucking listen to him, dad! You better goddamn listen! One more stupid thing out of your mouth and you’re not leaving out the door, you’re leaving out the goddamn window!”

“You don’t have the balls-“

“I sure fucking do!” He yanks his arms away from his superior officers’ grasps and stalks close again. “You come into my house and insult my Lieutenant, my Sergeant, my husband, and my friend who came here just to see us, and you think you can fucking tell me what to do?”

The older man looks defeated, his gaze flicking between all of the people staring at him and his son’s powerfully angry face.

“Sonny…I just wanted to talk…”

“You wanna talk?” He puts an arm around his father’s shoulders, moving John out of the way. “You can start by apologizing to everyone you insulted.”

“Sonny-“

“Apologize or leave, your fucking choice.”

“Fine.” He huffs and looks at the group of them. “I…I’m sorry, everyone.”

“The fuck is that? What, you a fucking five year old? What the hell are you sorry for?”

“I’m sorry for insulting you all. And for interrupting your gathering. And upsetting you.”

“Good.” Sonny says, and smacks his dad’s shoulder. “Well, g’bye.”

“What?”

“Yep, fucking bye.” He opens up the door and starts pushing. “Seeya.”

“Son, I’m sorry-“

“You think a phoned in apology is enough to get me to forgive you? Fucking stop. I’m not stupid.”

“Sonny, you gotta forgive me!”

“Nope, I don’t gotta do a damn thing.”

He pushes the older man out and slams the door shut, locking it. Sonny just stares at the door, watching as it stops shaking in its frame. He feels his heart rate slowing, but his face only grows hotter. When he tears his eyes away from it he sees Liv, looking at him with grave concern. The same way all of them are.

The intensity of his humiliation springs on him, and Sonny’s tear ducts betray him. He can’t keep himself from crying. From sobbing.

He’s so pained that he doesn’t fight when Rafael pulls him over to the sofa. Rafael holds his hand, and Sonny is white knuckling the older man in his grip. Everyone’s hands are on him, soothing him while he sobs.

“H-How could he…how could he do that?” Sonny manages. “H-How could he?!”

“I’m sorry querido, I’m so so sorry.” Rafael tries, still holding him. There’s no excuse for that. There’s no excuse for any of that.

Sonny cries, but eventually he stops. He stops when he’s conscious enough to take comfort in the two warm bodies he’s pressed tight between. His hand get used as a tissue, and he gets himself to stop sniveling.

“I’ll get you some tissues.” Rafael says, and gently pulls himself away from Carisi, leaving him leaned against Nick. Carisi registers who the other body belongs to, and he lifts his head off the other man’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t worry about it.” It’s gentle, the way he would talk to a victim.

“I-I’ve never heard him talk like that…ever…god, he sounded like a total fucking Neanderthal.”

Carisi swallows. Rafael comes back with a box of tissues, retaking his original place.

“You know better. That’s all you can worry about.” Nick reassures.

Carisi wipes his eyes, then blows his nose. “That was such a fucking embarrassment. I’ve never…well, that’s not true. I was madder than that before. But that was his fault too.”

“Hey, you’re not your father. Nobody looks at him as a reflection of you. You, you’re a good guy.” Nick’s words are said as reassurance for Carisi, but everyone hears them.

“I try. Just…I always thought he was too.”

Rafael’s hand rests over Sonny’s where it’s laying in his lap.

His friends, all of them still around, don’t respond.

“Guess I should’ve known better, huh?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. Here it is. The fluff has ended.  
> Can't wait to hear what you guys think! I know I kinda ripped my own heart out writing this.


	9. Covert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: smut

Rafael waits for Sonny to talk about what happened with his father. And Rafael means to ask him about it, but two things stop him. The first is that Sonny comes home Monday evening with a huge smile on his face and box of fancy donuts from the place he knows Rafael likes. Sonny’s mood carries over into the evening, coming out in the way he hums to himself and the way he’s extra affectionate with Rafael.

The second thing is the depressing news that Rafael comes home with on his heart. A case he prosecuted years ago is being pled out. The man that Rafael worked to put away is going free, and he can’t do anything about it. But he keeps that news to himself. He doesn’t want to break Sonny’s mood.

Sonny, who even on good days still double checks the locks on their door and windows. Sonny, who makes sure his gun is on top of everything else in the top drawer of his night stand in case he needs it. Sonny, who despite his nightly anxieties, comes to bed naked and cuddles up to Rafael once the lights are off. The warmth his body gives off is even more intense when there’s only one layer of clothing between them.

Rafael’s content not to bring up the depressing topic. Seeing Carisi snap in front of all their friends broke his heart, he’s in no hurry to stir up those awful feelings for him any time soon. It means he pretends things are normal and kisses Sonny goodbye on Tuesday morning. They go their separate ways at the door of their apartment building. Without Sonny there, Barba feels his mood deflate.

He’s at his usual level of sourness when he reaches his office. Carmen walks on eggshells around him, since she knows he’s not happy. She was the one who gave him the message.

She stays out of his way, letting him work. His work takes him in and out, like usual, and gives him plenty of calls to answer.

A call comes in just as he re-enters his office, and he answers it without looking.

“Barba.”

“Um…Rafael?”

He stiffens at the Staten Island accent. “Who is this?”

“Um…this is Valerie. Carisi.”

“How did you get my number?” He asks sharply, settling down into his chair.

“I asked Bella for it. Are you busy right now?”

“About as busy as usual. Why are you calling?”

She takes a deep breath, and lets it out as a sigh. “How’s my son?”

“He’s okay. I haven’t seen him since this morning, but when I left him he was well.”

“Okay, but how’s he been doing since…you know…”

“Care to elaborate?”

She huffs. “Dominick told me what he did. He was so broken up over how upset he made Sonny.”

He waits for her to go on.

“And…I mean, I’m pretty mad at him for doing that. But I’m not surprised. And I was too scared to call Sonny and upset him again. So, you’re sure he’s doing okay?”

“He was upset after, but since then he’s been okay.”

“Oh good, that’s good…well, it’s not _good_ but-“

“I understand.”

“Of course you would. You seem like a smart guy.”

“That’s what they tell me.”

She chuckles. “So…I guess you know what we have to do then.”

“Beg pardon?”

“Well, you know, about the two of them. They need to apologize and make up.”

“The only one that has to apologize is Dominick.”

“Sonny didn’t handle things great though.”

“Your husband used racial slurs on some of Sonny’s closest friends, he had the right to be mad.”

“But they shouldn’t be _this_ mad at each other. It’s just not _good_ for them.”

“Valerie, with the way you and your husband have treated Sonny he’s not inclined to be happy with you.”

“But he’s my son. I love him. I just…I want them to get along again.”

“Accept your son and maybe he’ll forgive you.”

“But I have. I really have.”

“The fact that you didn’t show up for our wedding says otherwise.”

Her voice quakes. “I’ve been trying to accept him since I found out. It’s been hard-“

“What exactly was the hard part? Knowing that your son didn’t trust you enough to tell you who he was in love with or knowing that there was no way he could accidentally knock up the person he was living with and end up having a shotgun wedding?”

She’s quiet for a while, long enough that Rafael thinks she might have hung up.

“The first one.”

“And just _why_ do you think that is?”

“I know why it is. I know that we weren’t the most accepting people but I’ve changed. I have. I just want my son to be happy.”

“Well his father calling his husband a faggot certainly didn’t help that.”

“Oh…he didn’t mention that…”

“Surprise surprise. Look, I have work to do. Is there any particular reason you called or are you just fishing?”

“Just talk to him about his father. He’s so, _so_ sorry. I want them to get along again. Just see if he’ll even _think_ about talking to Dominick again.”

“I’m making no promises. Goodbye Valerie.”

“Okay…if you can, tell Sonny I said hi.”

“Call and tell him yourself.”

He hangs up.

****

That should be the end of it. Hanging up on Valerie and making her deal with her fucked up family should be the last Rafael thinks of that situation for the day.

And yet, when it’s time for him to go home, Rafael doesn’t want to leave. He feels stuck in his office, where that brief conversation still lingers in the air. Rafael knows nothing about healthy father-son relationships. For all he knows, this is the way that things need to be.

The resentful son in him rebuts that argument. Nothing this toxic and angry can be normal. This kind of hostility and manipulation, he knows on a fundamental level that it’s wrong. There’s no question there.

Back and forth his thoughts volley, while the numbers on his watch tick by. He wastes twenty minutes sat at his chair, staring at wall, trying to hash it all out. And when that proves fruitless, he picks up his phone.

“Hello?” Lucia’s voice rings true.

“Hi Mami.”

“Oh, Raf, mijo.” Her voice softens. “What’s wrong?”

“Mami…things are screwed up.”

“Oh no, two days back from your honeymoon and you’ve screwed up? What happened?”

“Ah, really Mami? Why do you think I messed up?”

“I’m sorry nene, tell me what’s wrong.”

He tells her, in detail. He tells her in the kind of way that he only does with his mother, wandering from English to Spanish within the same sentence, just trying to get it all out. He actually wants to scream when he hears how ridiculous it all sounds. But still she listens, and he finishes by asking what he should do.

“Well…what do you think you should do?”

“Leave it alone, no bueno can come of this.”

“Is that what you think you should do? Or what you want to do?”

“How do I know what I should do? What do I know about fixing relationships with parents? Soy inútil.”

“Ah, silencio. You know your husband. You’re the one that married him, sí? You know what he’ll do.”

“No…no, I don’t.”

“Stop. You do. Do what you think is right, you know that.”

“That’s not the kind of useful advice I was looking for.”

“Lo siento, Rafe. I’m not sure what to tell you. I know you have good judgment though. And that you would never do anything to hurt Soleado.”

“Nunca, es imposible.”

“Do the right thing Raf. I know you. You always do. Now stop avoiding and go talk to your esposo, I’m sure he’s waiting for you.”

“Bye Mami. I love you.”

“I love you too mijo.”

He sighs when he hangs up, but does like she said. He knows Sonny well enough to know that he likes cannolis, and that they’re a good way to soften the blow. He comes home with a dozen of them. Only eleven make it to the kitchen, since Sonny sees Rafael at the door, and sees the box he’s carrying with him. He doesn’t care that powdered sugar falls over front of his dark blue shirt, it’s just going to be washed anyway.

Cannoli and pizza. That’s their dinner. One Rafael’s doctor would frown upon, but one that makes Sonny plenty happy into the evening.

Rafael waits until they’ve moved into their bedroom.

“Have you given any more thought to what happened on Sunday?” Rafael asks out of the blue. It makes Sonny stop where he is and put down the shirt that’s halfway onto its hanger. He comes out of their closet and looks at him.

“Uh…no, that kinda sucked. I’d rather not dwell on it.”

“Well maybe you should.”

“And do what, cry some more? No thanks.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Okay, so what the hell do you mean?”

“I mean you shouldn’t let this argument hang between you two.”

“Yeah, well, if he wants to apologize he can do as much. Not like I’m going anywhere.” Sonny shrugs and makes to go back to his laundry.

“You don’t know that.”

Both his eyebrows shoot up, and he looks right at Rafael. “Excuse me?”

“You have such a dangerous job, Sonny.”

“Are you saying you think _I_ should be the one to go to _him_?”

“Well he’s not going to. Not now.”

“Alright, I know that was a fucking stab. You think it was my fault that that fight happened?”

“What? No.”

“Then why the fuck else would you bring it up?”

“I just figured it was worth mentioning.”

“Oh yeah? Why?”

“Because…”

Sonny walks closer, leaving little room between them. Rafael looks up into his gaze, and the hardness of it startles Rafael.

“Because…”

“Because someone talked to you.” Sonny fills in. It’s not a question. Rafael’s quiet. “My father?”

No answer.

“My mother?”

Rafael blinks.

“Oh. My. God! I cannot fucking believe you!”

“Sonny-“

“No, don’t fucking ‘Sonny’ me!” He snaps, walking forward, forcing Rafael to step backwards.

“She called me! She just wanted me to talk to you-“

“Yeah, because I’m dumb enough to trust you.”

“Don’t say that!” Rafael shoots back, wounded. “She just wants you back-“

“Haven’t you fucking noticed, Rafael? They’ve made it completely and totally clear that I don’t fucking belong with them, not anymore. Don’t- after everything you’ve seen and heard- don’t you fucking dare take their side.”

“B-But I’m on your side!” Rafael tries while he falls back onto the bed.

“No, you’re fucking not.” Sonny towers over Rafael. He climbs on top of him, straddling the smaller man, pinning him to the bed. “Don’t fucking lie to me. Don’t betray me like this.”

“I wouldn’t. Sonny, I swear-“

He’s cut off by Sonny’s mouth pressing down onto his. Rafael’s stunned enough that his mouth falls open. Sonny’s teeth nip at his tongue, while his hands knot into Rafael’s shirt and keep him pressed to the bed.

Rafael feels the blood rushing to his groin. After a few seconds he kisses back, but Sonny’s not having it. He bites down on Rafael’s lip, and sucks on it before pulling apart. Both their eyes are blown wide, and there’s a moment of clarity between the two of them.

“You tell me if I need to stop.” Sonny growls, while his one hand roughly undoes his buttons. Rafael’s tingling all over, he barely has it in him to nod.

Sonny’s mouth finds his again. These are not sweet, gentle kisses Rafael is used to from those perfectly pink lips. These are rough, intense kisses. They’re the kisses that make Rafael feel like he’s being devoured. And dammit if the feel of Sonny’s mouth on his, while his hips are pinned down doesn’t make Rafael feel _alive._  He tries to grab at Sonny’s hair, but it’s interrupted by the violent way his clothes are ripped away from him.

He’s left completely bare under Carisi. Sonny only whips off his shirt and tie before catching Rafael’s lips again. They’re already sore, but it’s a nice compliment to the tension growing in his hips and the sensual hum that’s traveling all over his skin.

Sonny’s lips pull away from Rafael’s to press down against collarbone. He bites hard, and Rafael lets out a yelp that turns into a moan, and the sound makes Sonny grind his hips even further into their mattress, with Rafael’s hips as a buffer. The assault of kisses continues down over his chest and torso, matching the intensity of the first one and driving Rafael crazy. His hips press up into Sonny, his hand tangles into the younger man’s hair, and his moans fight their way up his throat and out of his mouth.

When Sonny pulls off of Rafael, he’s left exposed and writhing up into the air. It’s only for a second that he’s left directionless, because Carisi grabs him by the forearm and forces him to turn over and get up onto his hands and knees. He hears the clink and zip of Sonny’s pants being yanked off, before a wad of spit trails down his back and over his hole, again making his hips buck into nothing.

Sonny’s length is there in an instant, filling him up and making him growl in pleasure. There’s no holding back here. Sonny’s angry.

Sonny’s not worried.

Sonny lets loose, his hips working hard and fast. Rafael moans, spurring him on, but they’re not his usual coherent sentences. He lets out half-words. Curses mostly, in both of his languages, which get cut off by exclamations. Rafael switches, somewhere, to holding onto the headboard. It knocks against the wall, but not so badly since it’s cushioned by the headboard bumper. Some far off part of Sonny’s mind- the part that’s not roiling in righteous anger- thinks how they’re getting most bang for their buck with that thing than they have in a long time. And an even smaller part wants to laugh because, come on, ‘bang for your buck’ is right.

Still, most of him is furious. The sound of Rafael’s moans push him, and soften his anger around the edges. Not enough to make him stop when Rafael shudders with an orgasm. He keeps going because he knows how deliciously overstimulated Rafael’s going to be since he’s fucking right into his prostate, and he’s so close…

The sound Rafael makes when he feels Sonny come into him is high and girlish and even makes himself turned on. He wants more. God, he wants more. But his body is screaming for them to stop, and they finally do. Sonny falls onto the bed, and Rafael’s right there with him. They lay there, too spent to move, too spent to do anything besides breathe and stare at the ceiling and let the cool parts of their comforter soothe their boiling skin.

Rafael closes his eyes, while the rest of his senses work. His touch still feels numb like it does after hours of a jostling car ride, while his tongue tastes of sweat and bile and a little blood from trying to bite his tongue. The air around them reeks of sex, and his ears drink in the sound of Sonny’s labored breathing. It becomes consistent, as it gradually levelizes. His breathing is still broken up when he speaks.

“Come here.”

Rafael pulls his eyes open and turns his head. Sonny’s looking at him, his blue eyes wide and caring, and his face back to its natural softness. It’s a drag, but Rafael pulls himself over to his husband and rests his head on Sonny’s chest. A familiar hand rubs its way up and down his back, slowly, gently, encouraging him to breathe normal again.

“You okay?” Sonny asks, quietly, as if someone else might hear him. Really, he doesn’t want to hear himself. He’s scared of the answer.

“I’m perfect.” Rafael tells him, and moves a hand to rest over Sonny’s abdomen.

“Yeah? Not too rough?”

“No. Just the right amount of rough. Like we used to.”

The silence drags on for a little while.

“I’m not mad. Not at you.”

“You sure? You seemed pretty mad.”

“No, I was. But…not now. I’m mad at the situation, not you.”

“Why not me? I’d be mad at me too.”

“Well I’m not.” He says, and rests his lips in Rafael’s sweat soaked hair for a moment. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“You were angry.”

“Yeah, and it scared the hell out of me. I thought-“

“Hey, stop.” Rafael lifts his head and looks up into Sonny’s eyes, his own back to their normal size. “You would never hurt me. I know you, mi héroe. I know you could never hurt me.”

“Never.” Sonny promises, and touches his cheek. “I love you. So much.”

“I love you too, mi rey. Te amo mucho.” He leans up and kisses him, even though his lips thrum with pain. His whole body is still humming while Sonny gets them under the covers and holds him close. He can feel every place Sonny’s teeth claimed him as his own. If he weren’t so exhausted, he would want more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys...all I'm gonna say is that I think you're going to like the next (last) part of the story a lot.   
> Okay, I'm also going to apologize for the late post. I lost three hours helping my mom look for her phone (like actually lost in the real world thought someone stole it kind of stuff.)  
> Anyway, glad to know you guys are enjoying the story!


	10. Sensitive

The ache that greets Rafael when he wakes means he has an even harder time moving than normal. He doesn’t want to move. He feels it when he breathes. And he feels it when Sonny groans to life underneath him at the request of his enraged alarm clock.

“Babe” Sonny says past a yawn.

“Mhm.” That hurts too. Rafael’s throat is sore.

“We gotta get up.”

Neither one of them moves. Their bed is comfortable and safe and even though there’s a twinge of pain with every movement of his chest, Rafael wants to keep his place.

But the night comes back to him. And Rafael realizes he needs a shower. He takes a deep breath, the pain extending its radius outwards. The pain turns into a constant presence when he sits up, when he walks to the bathroom. It gets worse when the water hits his skin, but the warmth of it softens the throb after a minute or two. He feels the thrum over his collarbone when he reaches up to wash his hair, as well as in his chest.

Rafael hears the bathroom door open, and then Carisi’s bare feet against the tile.

“Hey Rafe? You mind if I get in with you?”

“No” Rafael’s voice hurts. He clears his throat. “You can get in.”

He hears the bathroom door being locked before Sonny steps in. The shower is big enough for them to feel comfortable, but small enough that they see all of each other completely.

Sonny sees the amount of love bites he left on Rafael.

Rafael’s hand reaches down to graze over the marks on the plains of Sonny’s hips. “Those look painful.”

“So do those.” Sonny says, though he keeps his hands to himself.

“They’ll be fine. We’ll take some Advil, it’ll be okay.”

Sonny nods and pecks Rafael’s lips before they actually take care of showering. They take turns under the spray. Barba knows it would have been quicker if they had just given each other their space, but that’s not what he wants. What he wants is the feel of Carisi hugging him while the steam washes over them, and the soft pecks from Carisi’s lips against his cheek.

“I love you. I love you so much.” Sonny murmurs.

“Te amo, hermoso.” Rafael pecks his lips, even though his own are still sore. “Te amo mi héroe.” Another kiss. “Te amo, te amo, te amo.”

****

The Advil numbs the pain to a dull hum, making his day bearable. He parts ways with Sonny at the subway, while Rafael decides to take a cab. Every move he makes causes him pain. But he enjoys the sensation. It reminds him of the first bit of passion- real, honest to god, visceral passion- he’s had in months, and he’s not going to complain. Those marks and the pains they bring with him drain him, but they also give him something positive to hold onto. With the grim evil of his old conviction being overturned, everything at work is a tad bitterer than normal.

He’s busy as ever, going from his office to wherever he needs to be. Every time he leaves his office, a small part of Rafael tenses, wondering if something will happen to him again. He wonders if he’ll be ambushed by a bullet or a blade from someone with a grudge.

Today’s ambush comes in the form of a hand smacking into his arm, making his head snap over.

“Barba, are you avoiding me now?”

“Rita, are you stalking me now?”

“It’s a courthouse, lawyers have plenty of reasons to be at courthouses.”

“I’m sorry, what shining member of society are you shielding from brutal charges today?” He says, continuing his descent of the steps.

“Oh, nobody you need to worry about this time.” She pats his back. His muscles twitch, strained from the night before.

“If not, why are you talking to me?”

“Because I thought it might be nice to exchange some words with one of the best articulated people I know.”

“What iteration of ‘leave me alone’ would suffice?”

“Barba-“

“No, really? Do you want to hear ‘If you should be so kind, I need to attend to some business without you in company’? Or maybe ‘I request your presence with me be terminated, as it is proving hindrance to my purposes at this time’? Or how about ‘déjame en paz’? Because English doesn’t seem to be working.”

“Barba, would you stop?” She steps in front of him and holds out a hand, which he walks right into, only to cringe back. Her palm presses right into a bruise over his ribs.

“No, you need to stop. With the touching. Always with the touching. I’ve never told you this before, but that’s a very aggravating habit of yours.”

“It’s a habit of familiarity.”

“You may be familiar with me, but the feeling is not mutual. Not anymore.”

She stands up straighter, looking down at him. “But after your call the other day-“

“I called you to thank you for the gift. It was kind and thoughtful, and you didn’t have to do that but you did anyway. That doesn’t mean things are all hunky dory again.”

“Really? After all these years?”

“They say time heals all wounds, I haven’t found that to be true. Not personally, anyways.”

“Even after Carisi’s trial?”

“You didn’t have to take his case. You certainly didn’t have to do it pro bono.”

She looks at him, unblinking, and sighs out of her nose, while responses skitter through her head. “What do you want me to do?”

“Leave me alone.” He repeats, and keeps walking. This time she doesn’t follow. Only the memory of her presence follows, pressing into his temples and the base of his neck. A headache takes hold. Rafael wants to chalk it up to needing caffeine, but two venti cups of Starbucks later and the pain is only worse. He pounds a few more Advil, but they don’t work quickly enough.

When he gets a text from Sonny asking how he’s doing he replies that he’s okay, not wanting to worry him. Rafael’s sure it’ll blow over soon enough.

It’s in his moments alone that he thinks about Sonny. He’ll sit at his desk and pontificate over the night they shared, or if he can spare the time he’ll pull out his phone and look at pictures from their honeymoon. The amount of pictures Sonny insisted on taking, including the amount of in-bed selfies, is still ridiculous even though they give him something to hold onto. If they weren’t so…odd, so out of character, there’s a few he thinks he would set as his phone wallpaper.

The headache persists despite two more Advil and one more coffee, ingested in the midst of packing up for the day. There’s a knock at his door, and he looks up to see Carmen waiting for him.

“What is it?”

“Chief Dodds is here.”

“Now?”

“I told him you were leaving. He was surprised, and insisted I check anyway.”

“You listened to a man’s insistence?”

“Only to shut him up. Should I send him away?”

He looks at his watch, then sighs. “I have a little time. Send him in.”

She gives him her ‘are you sure about that?’ look before relenting and stepping away. A moment later and the Chief is at his door.

“Counselor Barba, it’s a pleasure to see you.”

“As it is to see you.” Barba returns, and shakes his hand when it’s offered.

“I just wanted to stop by and congratulate you on your marriage. I hope my gift made it to you.”

“It did, and I meant to call and thank you. That said, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say it felt a little more like I was taking your penance than receiving a gift, Chief.”

“I’m sure I don’t know-“

“No? That gift wasn’t to make up for leaving Carisi out to dry?”

“No, absolutely not, Counselor. I don’t like the tone you’re taking with me.”

“I don’t like the way Carisi was treated during his trial. No PBA rep, no blue wall, none of that.”

“I assure, none of those factors had anything to do with _me_.”

Rafael stares back at the grey haired man, while telling himself not to scream. Because he knows it’s true. He knows that those things were his own fault, not the absentee Captain’s.

His gaze is rather piercing, because it makes the other man back down. “I was on vacation. But still, that’s no excuse. I do hope you can accept my gift without seeing it as a burden.”

Rafael tilts his head at the other man. “I suppose I can. And don’t worry, you’ll receive a thank you card soon enough. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m a very busy man.”

“Of course. Take care. I’m glad I caught you when I did. Please, say hello to Carisi for me.” The older man shakes his hand before leaving.

If Rafael were a lesser man, he would have broken that hand.

He’s left standing there in his office, his heart still pounding, and the renewed thought of Sonny’s jeopardized safety being his own fault.

_Did the Captain mean to insult me? Or was he simply covering his ass by pointing the blame at someone else?_

The thought pushes down on the back of Rafael’s neck. He feels nauseous. He actually has to sit down and collect himself, such as he is. Actually, he rests his head down on his desk, letting the cold wood soothe his headache since nothing else will.

****

When Sonny comes home at 5:30, he expects he’ll be alone. He walks up to the door, only to freeze outside of it.

 _There’s someone talking_. He reaches into his holster and takes out his gun, holding it so it’s concealed behind his leg. He checks over his shoulder, then fishes out his keys and slowly opens the door, trying to stop any sort of noise. A chill surges through him, and it’s the only thing to stop his hands from shaking. His heart gallops in his chest.

He pokes his head in to find the TV on. It takes a moment for his brain to catch up with what he’s seeing. He holsters his gun when he realizes that’s the only talking coming out of the apartment. Another moment passes before he picks out Rafael, curled up on the sofa. His heart slows, but the panic in his chest is replaced with plain worry.

Carisi goes into their apartment and shuts the door behind himself, locking it. Rafael’s head lifts, while the rest of him stays in place.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Sonny says carefully and sets his messenger bag down before coming over to the sofa. “You…you okay?”

“Headache.” Rafael answers. His head is resting on the arm of the sofa, while his arms are crossed over the lettering of Sonny’s Fordham sweatshirt.

“Aw baby, I’m sorry. Must be bad, huh?”

“It’s been going on all day.” He agrees quietly. “I couldn’t get myself to go to Dr. Lindstrom’s today.”

“That’s too bad. Can I help?” Sonny asks, working now to keep his own voice down.

“Sit with me? For a little while?”

“Yeah, sure. Let me just get changed first, and then I’ll sit with you.” He reaches out and gently squeezes Rafael around the ankle before going off to their room. He returns a few minutes later, dressed comfortably, and sits on the other end of the couch.

Rafael lifts his head to look at Sonny again. He takes his time moving over to Sonny so his head is rested in the younger man’s lap.

Sonny’s startled by the action, but he holds still and lets the other man get comfortable.

“Change it if you want.” Barba murmurs, eyes closing.

Sonny doesn’t move. The remote is on the coffee table and moving to get it would mean disturbing Rafael. Doing that to him, while he’s in such a vulnerable headspace, it seems wrong. Besides, he’s not bothered by the _How I Met Your Mother_ re-runs playing, they’re low enough that he doesn’t have to pay attention.

Carefully Sonny rests a hand on the back of Barba’s head. After a few minutes, without realizing it, his thumb starts to stroke over the back of his neck. He waits for Barba to encourage or denounce the action, but he’s quiet. So he keeps his movements gentle and hopes he’s not aggravating the pain that was so bad it made him cancel his therapy session.

_Did…did I hurt him? Did he hit his head and I didn’t notice?_

Sonny replays the night before in his head, but the anger and the pleasure he felt were a heady combination, blurring the edges of his focus. He doesn’t remember hurting Rafael. He looks down over him and takes in his scrunched up form, which looks so small under his sweatshirt and the baggy sweatpants he’s wearing.

_No. He would have told me if this was my fault. Or he wouldn’t be wearing my sweatshirt if I had hurt him._

Sonny doesn’t dare move, even when the sitcom reruns end and a movie Sonny knows he doesn’t like begins. He sits through the first twenty minutes of it before Rafael sits up on his own, and Sonny lets his hand fall away. He rubs his green eyes with the heel of his hand, and lets out a gentle sigh.

“I think I’m going to lie down in bed.”

“Okay. Do you want me to come with?”

“No, I’ll be okay. Do whatever you want, just…you know…keep it down.”

“Are you hungry? You want me to run down and-“

“No!” Rafael’s sudden noise makes his head throb, and he moves a hand to rub his neck. “Don’t…please don’t leave. Get whatever you want delivered, but just…you know.”

“I get it.” Sonny reaches over and pats his back. “I’ll stay. Go. Rest. I’ll check on you in a little while.”

“Thanks.” Rafael gets up, and pats him on the cheek as he passes.

Sonny keeps himself occupied with his latest novel. When he gets past the fifth chapter, he orders in. He keeps his promise to not leave, and only steps out the door to pay the delivery girl and get the pizza.

When he realizes it’s almost nine, Sonny decides to check on Rafael. He takes out one of the bottles of fruit punch Gatorade that stay in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator, and goes to find Rafael in their bedroom. The door is half open, so he pushes it the rest of the way open.

He’s halfway between the bed and the door when Sonny freezes. The door didn’t make a sound when he opened it. The sound of his footsteps are absorbed by the carpet. With Rafael laid the way he is, back to the door, head buried in the pillows, Sonny can’t tell if he’s awake or not. And he has no way of not startling Rafael if he is awake.

He turns and walks out of the room, then gently knocks on the door. There’s a light hum that answers him. Sonny comes in, shutting and locking the door behind himself on reflex.

Rafael is awake. His eyes are open when Sonny comes around. He offers a small smile and holds the bottle out for him. Rafael sits up, making room for Sonny to sit in front of him, and takes it in his hands. The taste brings back memories of every time Rafael’s been sick in the past twenty years, but he drinks it anyway because he knows it works.

“How’re you feeling?” Sonny asks when he sets the bottle aside.

“Better. I think it finally broke.”

“Good, that’s good.” Sonny nods. “You been awake all this time?”

“In and out.” Rafael shrugs and pulls his sweater sleeves down over his hands, warming them again. “What’ve you been doing?”

Sonny shrugs. “Did some reading. There’s pizza. Don’t worry, just plain today.”

“That’s a relief.” He smiles, but it’s a tired smile.

“What caused that headache, huh? Did something happen?” Sonny asks, and pulls his legs up onto the bed. Rafael sighs.

“Just a stressful day today. You know.”

“No, I don’t. You can tell me.”

Rafael thinks, and takes another sip of the red liquid before answering. “Well there’s this case I tried years ago, back when I was in Brooklyn. I’ll spare you the details. But this…this sick guy is being let out.”

“Oh wow. That’s hard.” Sonny nods, resting his chin in his hand. His bright blue eyes are open wide, and fixed right on Barba.

“So there’s that. And then Rita was bothering me today.”

“Because?”

“Because she has it in her head we should be friends again. But I can’t. Not after everything…you understand, don’t you?”

“Of course I do. She betrayed you. You can’t possibly be expected to trust her again. Not just like that.”

Rafael sighs. “And then there was Dodds.”

“Captain Dodds?”

“Yep. He came by to see me, asked if we’d gotten his gift. I didn’t let him get away with anything.

Sonny’s eyebrows knit together.

“I accused him of trying to apologize to you with that gift. At which point he reminded me it wasn’t his fault that you were left out with the laundry.”

“Well…I mean, it kinda was.”

“No, but it wasn’t. It was mine. And now you have to watch your back every time you work with other cops because of me.”

“What?” Sonny’s genuinely shocked.

“Come on, you know it’s true.” Rafael pulls one of his husband’s pillows to his chest, hugging it. The bottle is sat open on his nightstand now.

“Why would you say that? I don’t think that.”

“But it’s true. You’re married to me, the cop prosecutor, the guy who goes after institutions and wins. It means you have to always watch your back and I’m sorry I put that on you.”

“Hey, c’mon stop.” He moves so he’s next to Rafael and gently wraps his arms around him. “Don’t say that. That’s not true.”

“You can’t say that. You know it is. You know how much harder your job is because of me.”

“I promise you, it’s not. God, I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way. I had no idea.”

Rafael lets his head rest on his husband’s shoulders, and his eyes close. They’re quiet for a good while, until Sonny pulls away.

“How about you get something to eat, huh? You shouldn’t be sad on an empty stomach.”

“Is that the Carisi family motto?”

“Just this one Carisi’s. Come, up.” He says, taking him by the hand.

They sit together, Rafael eating his half of the pizza while Sonny sits across from him and reads. The quiet is companionable. Rafael feels lighter now, with that weight off of his shoulders. Everything he said is true, but he’s not holding it on his own anymore. He’s shared it with Sonny.

Sonny, who comes to bed later that evening with his hair wet, the only clothing he wears being his wedding band. Sonny, whose warm arms wrap around Rafael when he cuddles up to him, and giggles when the older man places kisses all over his face and neck.

Sonny, whose awake long into the night, holding his sleeping husband. He moves with Rafael, readjusting his hold every time he shifts. And who keeps his eye on the locked bedroom door. Just in case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I swear I break my own heart sometimes.   
> Still, I'm really liking the way this story is shaping up. I hope you guys do too.   
> Let me know via comments and kudos! You know I adore your feedback.   
> (Also, woohoo! We hit 500 stories in the Barisi pairing on AO3! So proud of this beautiful fandom.)


	11. Reconciliation

Rafael wakes before the alarm can go off. His eyes open, and he’s aware once again of the pain in his torso. It’s softened from the day before, but he definitely needs more painkillers.

His eyes rest on the skin of his husband’s chest, which rises and falls slowly. He finds one of his hands and brings it to rest over Sonny’s chest, feeling for his heartbeat.

The sadness of the night before lingers in his mind, but he pushes it away.

Rafael forces himself to leave their bed, before the sadness can come back and overwhelm him. He starts getting ready for his day.

He hears Sonny groan awake when his alarm goes off, and takes a couple of minutes before he actually shuts it off. There’s a good bit of shuffling outside the bathroom door before it opens.

“Morning.” Rafael answers, looking at him in the mirror. Sonny smiles back.

“Oh. Hey. Morning.”

“Were you expecting someone else?” Rafael asks, dipping his razor into the sink.

“No, just didn’t know where you were is all.” He yawns and comes into the bathroom, getting out his own shaving supplies.

They’re quiet. They work around each other. The bathroom ends up smelling like their colognes and hair products.

Rafael isn’t touched until just before Sonny leaves. The younger man catches him by the wrist and pulls him into a careful embrace. Rafael softens into the touch, letting his eyes close. The urge to not let him go only gets stronger when Sonny pecks all over his cheek and neck, leaving a layer of tingling lip balm where his lips touch.

“I hope today is better for you.” Sonny murmurs against his temple.

“It will be.” Rafael promises.

“You call me if you need to, okay? If you’re feeling stressed or down or…y’know, whatever.”

“Okay.” Rafael reassures, and leans up to give him a proper kiss.

Of course, it’s not like the day is great. Everything wrong with the day before is still hanging in the peripheries of his consciousness, dulling everything he does. He wants to go home. He wants to go home. He wants his home and his bed and his husband’s sweatshirt swallowing him up. He wants his husband, too. He wants the only person he can be weak and tired with to hold him so he feels safe.

The thoughts keep popping up, and again he holds onto those thoughts to get himself through the day.

He feels a little guilty leaving at six, but he knows he deserves it. Or he needs it. That’s what Dr. Lindstrom would’ve said.

Barba packs his things in and heads home, deciding to walk instead of pay for a cab or the train. It gives him time to clear his mind.

And be ambushed. Again.

“Well well well, look who’s headed home early.” She doesn’t touch him this time, but she does startle him.

“You really are stalking me.”

“You should be so lucky. But no, I’m not. I just happened to see you while heading home. I made a few stops first.”

“Uh huh.” Rafael says, looking to see if there’s a place he can cross the street.

“Like my favorite liquor store.”

“I hope you’re not so disappointed in your own life choices that you’ve fallen prey to alcoholism.” He says, but it’s only half sarcasm. The flash of Rita alone, drinking, crying, it makes his stomach clench.

“I’m not. But I did happen upon something I thought you’d find interesting.”

She steps in front of him, and now he actually sees her. She has that _look_ on her face that Rafael knows must be bad news for him. She pulls the box out of the long paper back tucked into her grasp just enough for Rafael to see the logo of his favorite scotch.

“What’s that?” He asks, his casual demeanor slipping.

“You made it clear you didn’t want to talk to me. But I remember you being open to companionship while having a drink.”

Rafael sighs out of his nose while the flow of people continues around them.

“Fine. I’ll drink with you.”

That look on her face, the one characterized by a smug smile and a satisfied glint in her eye is the same one she gets after a hard fought win she _knows_ is the fault of a single juror stalling the other eleven. A victory she should not have gotten, but is still glad to have.

She lets that look drop before they get to the apartment, which is new to her. She takes it all in, though her eyes are drawn to the pictures. Rita hands the liquor bottle off to Rafael before walking over to the mantle where most of them are. It’s not an insane amount, but it’s far more than she ever remembered seeing in Rafael’s apartment when he was single.

Rafael comes back into the room with his jacket and shoes off, holding two glasses of freshly poured scotch. She takes the glass, but keeps looking at the pictures. Rafael sits down on one of the matching sofas and sips his drink. The tension between them is thick, but Rafael lets her peruse his memory collection over his wall.

“Quite a life you two have together.” She says, finally sitting down in a lone chair.

“Sure is.” Rafael says, and drinks to try and cool the heated words on his tongue.

“How long?”

“Two and a half years.”

She nods, and takes a sip of the drink she’s not totally fond of. “Quite a while for you, isn’t it?”

He scowls at her.

“If I hadn’t been told, I never would’ve known.”

“How would you, Rita? No really, how would you? It’s not like we’re friends anymore.”

“Excuse me, I believe it was you who decided that for us, didn’t you?”

“Well, you know, when your friend turns out to be a snake in a suit, it changes things.”

“Wow…you actually think that, don’t you?”

Barba glugs down his drink, then looks at her again. “What other choice have you left me?”

She rolls her eyes. “Always with the drama.”

“Me? I’m the dramatic one?”

“I’m sorry, of the two of us, who was the one that let themselves get choked in open court?”

He glares once again, and leaves the room, only to come back with the bottle. He refills his glass and drinks before answering.

“It was to prove a point. To get the guy to show his true colors. Some people need prompting when it comes to that. Others, not so much.”

She huffs and lets the liquid burn its way into her stomach. “So, what, I betrayed you by leaving prosecution? Is that really all this is?”

“You’re smart enough, you should know what your leaving meant.”

“Barba, honestly, if you have something to say, just come out and say it. Stop trying to dull it with the alcohol.”

“I thought that’s why you brought it.”

“ _No,_ I brought it because I only had one idea about how to get to you. And I figured it would loosen up your tongue and let you say whatever it is that’s really bothering you about me.”

“You’re fucking joking.”

She leans forward in her chair and stares right at him. “Does it look like I’m joking?”

He meets her gaze, his face still hard. Then, he drains his glass and rises to his feet, stalking over to the far side of the room.

“You know why. You can’t be that dim.”

“Nice, insulting your friend.”

“You’re not my friend, my friend would never do what you did.”

“There you go again! What the hell did I do that was so wrong?”

“Ohhhh, do not play dumb with me, you know.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Bullshit! That’s a boldfaced lie and you know it!” He snaps. “You know I hate being lied to. Don’t pull that crap with me.”

 _It’s working._ “What the hell did I do?”

“You know what you did? You really fucking need to be told what you did?”

_Oh god, he’s really yelling._

“You got _greedy,_ Rita. You got fucking greedy! You decided that doing the right thing wasn’t profitable enough so you took your Harvard law degree and all the brains it took to get it and you decided it was better spent making sure criminals were _outside_ of jail. That’s what you fucking did!”

He’s breathing hard by the time he’s done. He pours himself another drink and takes a long pull, and when the glass leaves his lips he’s almost breathing normal again.

She stares at him, before taking another drink, trying to straighten it all out in her head.

“You…you’ve been mad about that? For all these years?”

“Yeah.” He answers, voice softened. “Yeah, I have been.”

“But why? It’s not like I left _because_ of you-“

“My friend Rita wouldn’t do that. My friend Rita wouldn’t put her money over her morals. Not without a good reason.”

She looks down at her almost empty glass- _wow, where’d that go?_ \- and thinks on that.

“I asked why. I asked why and you wouldn’t tell me.” He sits down, this time on the end of the couch closer to her. “What was it? What didn’t you trust me to know?”

“Nothing.” Her tone is sincere, and she downs what’s left of her drink. When she sets it down, he refills it.

“You can tell me. I won’t be mad.” He tries.

“I mean it, Barba. It wasn’t like that.”

“Then what was it like? I’ve spent years trying to figure it out and I just…I can’t. Please. Just tell me.”

She takes another sip rom her glass, then pushes a hand through her hair. “It’s not as big a deal as you think it is. I just didn’t see myself going anywhere in prosecution.”

She looks up to see those bright green eyes on her with laser-like focus.

“I figured I could only go so far. I wanted to see what else was out there. I started looking at my options months before you even knew. And when it all worked out, that was the way the chips fell.”

“I don’t buy that.” His voice is hard.

“There’s nothing to buy, it’s the truth.”

“No, no it’s not. My friend Rita would have gone into helping people who really needed it and become a public defender. _You_ defend rapists and murderers. You defend people who don’t deserve it.”

“Everyone’s entitled-“

“Shut the hell up. Don’t give me the ‘best defense they can afford’ crap. Once again capitalism consumes another field that should be blind to money. And you bought right into it because you saw the paycheck on the other end.”

“The paycheck was a…a happy coincidence.”

“Yeah, just like all your boyfriends being black lawyers is a happy coincidence.”

“That’s not true. I dated a few guys who weren’t black, and a few who weren’t lawyers.”

“Not while I was around.”

“Well it’s been a while since you were around.”

He puckers his lips at that, then takes another drink. She mirrors him. “How’d that work out?”

“Eh.” She shrugs.

“See? You know what you want. It applies to your taste in men and your choice in job salary.”

“It’s not like I just did it for the money. I’m also great at it.”

“People are great at building bombs too but it’s not something to be proud of.”

That zaps her harder than she expects. She takes another swig of the drink, but it’s the only taste on her tongue now. “I can’t believe you held onto that. After…what, five years?”

“Seven. Seven years.”

She has to think a second before realizing he’s right. Maybe it’s the booze. Maybe it’s the years blurring together.

“And here I thought you were starting to get over all that.”

“What could have possibly made you think that?”

“Because when Carisi was in trouble, you called me.”

“Well, when you spend half your career hoping you don’t have to deal with someone, you know they’re good.”

Rita blinks, because she’s a little slow at catching his back handed compliment and quite a bit thrown by his less-than-perfect word choice. The words are too vague for him.

“That was it? Really?”

“I knew you’d do your best. You always do, even when they don’t deserve it.”

“He really did deserve it.”

“So you admit it that most of them don’t?”

Another drink. “What do you want me to say? That my clients are disgusting? Fine, they are. We know that. But it pays the bills.”

“It pays the bills and it pads your accounts with more than enough money.”

“I didn’t take Carisi’s defense because of the money. I wasn’t expecting a check. I did it because you’re my friend and I wanted to help.”

Rafael scoffs and takes a sip, slower this time. “You still think we’re friends?”

“I’d like to be.”

“Me too. But, y’know, I want to be friends with good Rita. Not…” he gestures to her in her current state.

“But… I mean, you had to trust me a little bit. You…you told me about the worst day of your life a dozen times over. That has to mean something.”

Rafael rests his head in his hands. A minute goes by, and Rita moves so she’s sat next to him. Her hand rests on the small of his back.

He lifts his head so his hand is resting under his prominent nose while he stares at the far wall. “I didn’t think about it in those terms.”

“No? You never considered why you called me and not Buchanan?”

The laugh that escapes him his uneven and surprised. He turns to look at her, and he sees that she’s smiling. “Are you kidding? I would never call Buchanan. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.”

****

Carisi stops when he reaches the front of his apartment building and checks his phone again. His last two messages to Rafael asking about dinner are still unanswered.

He sighs softly and slips it into his jacket before heading inside. There’s only junk mail waiting for him and there’s nobody that gets in the elevator with him. Aside from the ambient street noise, it’s quiet. That quiet holds until he gets to the door of his apartment, when his heart leaps into his throat.

It’s not the TV this time. He reaches for his gun with one hand, and jiggles the knob with the other. Still locked.

_The window…please no, not the window…not again._

Carisi swallows the rising metallic taste in his throat and unlocks his door as quietly as possible.

And then he stops and stares. His gun drops to his side.

In the clear light of his home, Sonny can pick out the noise. It’s not the TV. It’s music. Rap music.

And underneath the sound of rap music is giggling. Giggling, from his husband and his ex-defense attorney. They both have their shoes off, and Rafael has his shirt open, while his suspenders have slipped off his shoulders. Rita is just missing her jacket, but her hair is up in a messy bun not unlike the one she wore during the nights of his trial.

They’re sat close together on the couch, and the talking between their giggles is too low for him to hear.

Sonny holsters his gun, because he can’t shoot whatever he’s afraid of now.

“Uh…hello?’ Sonny asks, his voice cutting through the music.

They break out of their intense conversation and look up, and Rafael beams.

“Sonny!                You came home!”

Now Carisi laughs. “Sure I came home, where’d I go?”

“Oh, oh, oh I know this!” Rita cuts in. “Olivia’s place. Fin’s place. Rollins’s place.” She tries, repeating the ‘s’ sound. That makes Rafael laugh again.

“You sound like a dumbass.”

“Oh yeah? You say Rollins’s name at all and see who sounds like the dumbass.”

His smile falls and he stares at her.

“Wow…wow, that was mean… even for you.”

“Aw, I’m sorry Barba.” She closes the small space between them with a hug, and to Carisi’s shock he hugs back.

Sonny actually looks around, because he’s sure that he’s stepped into the wrong apartment. Or the wrong universe. Even with the two empty bottles of alcohol on the coffee table, he can’t explain this away.

“So...” Sonny goes over to their Bluetooth speaker and bumps the music down a few notches. Rita sits up, though not as straight as normal.

“Hey, don’t do that! That’s good music.”

“Oh please, you just like it for the memories.” Barba slurs his words, but the giggle that goes with it is strong.

“Shush!” She pushes him away, but he doesn’t move, just laughs.

“Uh…we’re okay here?” Carisi puts in. The two lawyers quit laughing and give him such honest looks that he feels creeped out.

“Yeah babe, why wouldn’t we be?”

“Talk about babe.” Rita mutters, making Rafael giggle again. Sonny blinks a few times.

“We’re sure we’re okay here?” He asks, looking at them both. Rita looks at him again, and her head tilts. She rises shakily to her feet and wobbles over to him, staring up into his eyes.

“My god, look at those eyes! God Barba, you’re right, you could drown in those things!”

“That’s …..a very interesting thing to say.” Sonny concedes and looks over at Barba, who’s giggling so hard it scares him. “How about I get you home, huh Rita?”

She barks another laugh and smacks his shoulder, falling on him a bit. “No offence Sonny boy, but you’re a little paler than I normally go for?”

“The hell do you mean, ‘a little’?” Barba asks, making himself laugh harder.

“Shut up!’ Rita tries to yell even though she’s still drowning in her own laughs. Sonny’s never heard that much laughter from Rafael ever. Definitely not from someone besides himself.

“Okay, and we’re going now.” Sonny says firmly, and keeps an arm around her waist while he gets her together. She keeps sharing looks and laughs with Barba, who still hasn’t gotten up from the couch.

“Okay Rafe, I’ll be back.”

“Wait, wait!” Barba springs up and tries to run over to them near the door, but he smacks his toe into the coffee table. Rita laughs, leaning back against the door, while Sonny goes to hold him.

“Hey, what? What’s the matter?”

“I’m gonna miss you.” Barba admits, gazing up into his eyes. This close, Sonny can clearly smell the alcohol on his breath.

“I’ll miss you too. But don’t worry. I’ll come back.”

“You promise?”

“Promise.” Sonny repeats, and pecks his husband’s lips. Rafael licks into his husband’s mouth, a hand tangling into his knotted hair and holding him there.

Rita’s laughter returns, followed by an “aw!”

“Come back soon, mi héroe, muy muy pronto.”

Carisi humors him with a smile and pats his cheek. “Very soon babe, very soon.”

When Sonny finally goes back to Rita, after sitting Barba down on the couch, she’s smirking.

“What’s that look for?” He asks, still holding her up as they walk out.

“He loves you. That’s so fucking cute.”

Sonny laughs, and really how can he not? He needs a laugh after the night’s insanity.

****

Today, Barba’s alarm clock takes the form of his stomach refusing to be ignored. Rafael’s eyes snap open, and his brain is screaming for him to move, _now._  

He complies. He runs to the bathroom and smacks on one of the lights before finding his way to the toilet, where the night comes back to haunt him. He’s not a heavy drinker, and this is why. The burn of stomach acid in his nose and mouth, the pain in his gut, and the loss of dignity that comes with having one’s head in a toilet are all great deterrents.

When the first wave of vomiting is nearing its end, he really regrets turning on the light that he did. He wants to change it, but his joints are soup and he knows he’ll vomit again if he tries to stand. Instead he sits there, wallowing in self-pity on his bathroom floor, with his head resting against the toilet seat.

Mercifully, Sonny comes along and changes the light. The shock of pain that comes from the light switches being changed is nothing compared to the relief of the dim shower light replacing the full-room’s light. Sonny kneels next to him. His hands keep to himself, but he puts down a bottle of red Gatorade on the floor within Barba’s grasp. When he can handle it, the older man reaches down and picks up the bottle. The lid falls right off, and the tap of it hitting the floor makes him flinch.

A little of the stuff spills onto his shirt. He takes a sip, and his stomach warns him against swallowing. He spits the mouthful into the toilet before sitting back on his feet. Sonny reaches over and gently lowers the toilet seat, and flushes for him. Rafael clamps his hands over his ears.

“Aw, no no no, it’s okay.” Sonny coos, his arms carefully closing around him. The relief of bare skin under Rafael’s hands and face are warm, soothing, but not worth much. Not in the face of this hangover.

It’s over an hour of this before they have to get ready. Rafael sits in the shower for a long while, with his hands over his ears. Sonny is already dressed when he comes out, and looks ready to go.

“Go.” Rafael insists.

“Not until you do.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Rafael murmurs, only because it hurts to do more.

“I’ll leave when you do.”

He can’t fight. He doesn’t have it in him. So Rafael concedes to being dressed and shaved, and he’s glad for the earplugs that Sonny works in for him, because they’re the only thing that make the morning bustle bearable. That and the sunglasses that cover a great deal of his face. Sonny’s already late by the time he gets Barba to his office, but he let Liv know before he left the house that he would be.

Carmen only glances up when she sees the two of them, but hides her surprise by looking down at her papers.

When Sonny reappears, he tells Carmen to hold Barba’s calls unless they’re urgent.

She knows by the way his blinds are shut and his lights are turned off that she should act like her boss isn’t there.

He’s barely there. He can’t look at his phone or his laptop, or even his books. His head rests on his desk, and doesn’t pick up again until he’s startled awake by his phone buzzing. Even on vibrate, the noise hurts his head. He picks it up despite a renewed wave of nausea, but holds it away from his face.

“Yeah?”

“Barba?” Rita’s voice on the other end is low and husky.

“Yeah. It’s me.”

There’s some silence between them, but even that hurts his head.

“So… I just woke up with a hangover. And your husband’s card in my pocket. With the words ‘if found, return to’ written on the back… does this mean friends again?”

“Rita…”

She waits. She listens to his labored breathing on the other end, even though the sound stings her ears.

“What I remember of last night…y’know, after the yelling… I wanna be your friend. I do. It’s just that nothing’s changed.”

“What if something did?”

“What if…” he can’t finish his comeback, so it trails off sounding hopeless.

“Barba…stick with me here. I have something to tell you.”

“Okay?” He feels like he should sit up, but he can’t.

“I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching since I took your husband’s case. It’s really made me…think. And…well…I want you to know I’m coming back.”

The quiet stretches on again. Not for the first time that morning, Rafael wonders if he’s still drunk.

“What?”

“I am. I’m coming back. It’s why I’ve been trying so hard to get right with you. I want to know there’s at least one ADA I can trust to help me if I get stuck on a case.”

“…Rita…what…?”

“And because, you know, I really do miss you. I wanted things right with us anyway. You’re the first person I’ve told.”

“Rita…” He tries again, but nothing comes out. His brain is foggy and pained.

“Don’t say anything. Not now. Just think about it, okay? Please?”

He breathes in through his nose, and out through his mouth. “Okay. I will.”

“Bye Barba.” She offers, and hangs up. A familiar pang hums in his chest, an old phrase said with new meaning. He finally sets his phone aside and rests his head against his arms.

Despite the raging pain in his head from the hangover, his stomach calms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, some mild fluff to ease the soul.   
> Hope you guys are enjoying! Can't wait to hear from you all.   
> Hope you all had a lovely Saturday.


	12. Overwhelmed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: smut

In the days that follow Rafael’s hangover, he sees a side of his husband he’s rather fond of. The gentle side. Even more than usual, Sonny treats Rafael with care and affection and extra tenderness. And more effort.

On Saturday, Sonny calls Rafael around noon and tells him not to be too late, since he snagged tickets for a performance of _Miss Saigon._ He’d mentioned briefly some months ago about wanting to see this showing of it, but wasn’t sure when there would ever be time.

Sunday is their lazy day. When Sonny comes home from church, he crawls right back into bed with Rafael. There’s lots of cuddling, lots of warmth, reminiscent of their honeymoon.

Monday is tricky, since the team catches a case and it holds Sonny at the precinct until late. Still, when he comes near eleven, it’s with a white pastry box. It’s filled with pastelitos de guayaba, a pastry filled with cream cheese and guava, reminiscent of the ones his abuelita made. He can taste the extra richness to the crust that tells him it was made with lard and not shortening or butter. Of course, Sonny plays off getting them as ‘no big deal’ and just something he thought to get when he passed by a Spanish bakery while they were out collecting evidence.

But the treats are still warm. Rafael knows he must have gotten them recently. Gone out of his way on an already later night just to make Rafael happy.

Part of the thought that Sonny shows is in his abstinence. It began the night he came home to find Barba and Rita drunk. When Sonny returned some time later, Rafael was all over Sonny. But Sonny knew better, knew that sleeping with him while he was in such a state was wrong. Knew that there was no way Rafael could give consent in his state. And while Rafael sobers, Sonny holds out over the following days to be sure Rafael is okay. The last thing he wants to do is push the man he loves.

And a little of it is Sonny wanting to wait until his love bites are healed, so their lovemaking won’t be painful for Rafael.

And of course Rafael appreciates it. He says as much, multiple times, along with telling Sonny that he loves him.

Tuesday is a surprise. Tuesday Sonny makes his way to Rafael’s office around seven and insists that it’s time for him to leave, since he’s not working on a case at the moment. He also insists that they go to a Cuban place for dinner because it’s been months since they did that.

It’s over their dinner that Sonny says why.

“I was feelin’ all nostalgic for our honeymoon today.” He admits between bites of pernil. “Kinda wanted to get back into that headspace again, y’know?”

“I think I do.” Rafael admits, a smile pulling across his face while he forks around his ropa vieja. “Those were good times.”

“Great times.” Sonny repeats for emphasis. “I had a dream about it last night. Woke up this morning wanting to hold onto that feeling.”

“What’d you dream?” Rafael asks, then sips his mojito.

“It was normal. Just us, in the water together. The feel of the water, the warmth from the sun. God, I’ve never felt so comfortable.”

“Me either. But you know that.”

“I do. You were so free that whole week.”

“Well so were you. I didn’t see you check a window lock once the whole time we were in Aruba, just the doors.”

“Huh…” Sonny stares off for a moment before looking back at his husband. “Wow. Y’know, I didn’t realize that until now. That’s something.”

Rafael smiles fondly. “We took so many pictures that week. I’ve been using them as an anchor since we got back.”

“See? Told you it wasn’t ridiculous. Though I wish you’d let me take those other pictures I wanted to.”

Rafael’s face colors and he shakes his head. “Please, like I need to open myself up to blackmail like that.”

“Hey, I’m not dumb. I would’ve encrypted those. And I would’ve just kept ‘em on the card.”

“Still, thank you for not pushing it.”

“You know I’d never push you. Not like that. Never like that.” Sonny’s voice turns weirdly serious. “You know me, you know I know better.”

“I do.”

His composure breaks, and Carisi’s face widens into a smile that compresses the rest of his features. He shakes his head, making the curls at the end of his hair bounce.

“What?”

“C’mon, like you don’t know that those words bring back memories too.”

“I guess they do.” Rafael smiles back. “Which reminds me, the photographer said she mailed us everything. Should be here in a day or two.”

“Can’t wait to relive the best day of my life.”

Rafael’s heart melts at the words.

“Me either.”

“I’m sorry things have been so nuts since we came home though. Really.”

“Why’re you the one apologizing? It’s not your fault.”

Sonny shrugs and takes a drink from his Corona. “It was my dad that got the bad karma rolling.”

“They have that effect, it seems. It’s why we didn’t go visit mine, remember?”

“How could I forget?” Sonny sighs out of his nose, and looks down at his empty plate. Rafael swallows.

“So…has your father called again?”

“Twice a day.” Sonny answers. Rafael waits, his stomach tingling as he remembers how this went last time. Sonny meets his eye, then shakes his head. “I haven’t picked up yet.”

“Why not?”

“I’m just not ready. I need some time.”

“Time to…?”

“To prepare myself. To figure out how I’m supposed to justify our relationship. To…wait and see if he turns into a better person.”

“That’s not how people work.” Rafael murmurs.

“Well, maybe a few weeks of the cold shoulder will make for good guilt.”

“One can hope.”

“It doesn’t matter what they think of us. I love you, Rafe. They can’t tear us apart.”

“You think I worry about that?”

“I worry that you worry about that.”

“You shouldn’t worry so much, it’s bad for you.”

“What can I say? I’m a worrier. But I have better things to worry about than my parents.”

“Like?”

“Like you. Don’t say anything to that, ok? Just let me worry.”

“Okay.” Barba relents after a moment. Even knowing that Sonny worries doesn’t dampen their mood. Rafael is happy when they leave the restaurant, his full stomach topped off with flan, his hand in his husbands as they walk home. The air around them is warm and heavy, putting them back in the mindset of their vacation. It’s a good walk. A cleansing walk.

A pretty long walk, too, but still they stay close and hold onto each other until they’re home.

“Thank you for taking me out on a date.” Rafael says when they make it to the door.

“Oh c’mon, who wouldn’t want to date Rafael Barba?”

“Is that rhetorical or do you want the list?” He asks, turning to face him once they’re inside. Sonny finds his hands and uses them to pull him closer.

“They’re all morons. Every one of ‘em. You’re so worth loving it’s not even funny.”

Rafael removes his hands and moves them to hang around his husband’s neck. The hands he let go of come to rest on his waist.

“You make it sound so true.”

“Because it is.” Sonny insists, and leans down for a kiss. His mouth hugs Rafael’s thin lips, covering them completely. Rafael pulls Sonny further down, forcing him to keep his place, not allowing him to pull away.

When the kiss does break, they gaze into each other’s eyes. One of Rafael’s hands move to touch Sonny’s cheek, while he searches the younger man’s open gaze. He doesn’t need to open his mouth for Rafael to hear his silent question. It’s answered by the way Rafael drops his touch from Sonny, and instead leads him by the hand to the bedroom.

There are times when Rafael draws power from sex. When he and Sonny are a mess of tongues and legs and grips, the high he gets leaves him on top of the world. Rafael feels a flicker of that, during the tender stage while their clothes are removed and all their love is conveyed with kisses and caresses.

Other times, like tonight, with his eyes closed and his teeth gritted, Rafael wants nothing more than to disappear into the pressed space between Sonny’s lean, powerful body and the mattress against his back. He wants to be swallowed up, forgotten about, lost on his journey into the darkest parts of his mind that begins wholly without his permission. It happens all at once, the floor being pulled out from under him, sending Rafael into a spiral of pain.

When their bodies climax together. Rafael fights the pleasure that threatens to disintegrate all his strength and holds his legs around Sonny’s thighs, keeping the younger man on top of him. He wants to stay in this place, where he has a hard time breathing under someone else’s weight and he can’t escape feel of those delicate curling ends of hair brushing his nose and sticking to his cheek.

“Don’t” He pleads, quietly, past the knot holding his throat. The younger man stops supporting his own weight, resting on top of him fully. Rafael’s heart churns at the feel of his lover’s breath against his shoulder, gradually evening out.

All of it, all of the sensation in their little bubble, pushes him to a place he visits rarely. A place where he lays there, mouth clamped shut, while tears fall down the side of his face. When the dampness hit’s Sonny’s cheek, he pulls away to get a look at Rafael, wondering if he’s really crying. The grip around his torso stops him from pulling off completely.

“Stay.” The word comes out higher than he wanted it to, and his lisps is more pronounced than normal. Enough for Sonny to hear it. Enough for the worry to come flooding through his face.

“Rafe, what…? Why…? Did I hurt you?”

Rafael’s eyes shut and he only whispers “No” while shaking his head, such as he can while lying down.

“Aw, Rafe, Rafe sweetie.” He coos, pressing kisses to the older man’s cheek, but they’re no good. The tears still come. Now that they’re here, Sonny knows he can’t stop them.

 _Like rain in the desert. Not often, but when it rains it pours._ He thinks, a vague memory of a lyric from a song or a poem. Either way, he knows it’s true.

So he lets Rafael cry. He gathers the other man up in his long, lanky limbs, and pulls them so they’re lying on their sides together, so he’s not suffocating the smaller man anymore, but still holds him tight.

And Rafael is so gone in his state, he doesn’t realize he’s been moved until he can breathe again, can see again, can think again. When the fog has lifted, and he realizes his face his pressed between his lover’s neck and one of their pillows. He can see, just barely, where his tears have soaked into the pillowcase.

What can he say? How can he possibly explain himself? Where are all those words from studying law when he needs them?

“You know” Sonny murmurs. Rafael likes how he feels the change in Sonny’s chest moving against his own. “I get that I make fun of you for being short sometimes, or a lot of the times, but I actually kinda like it.”

No answer.

“Because, even though I lose you when we go places, and I’m always the one stuck cleaning the top of the cabinets, I like that I’m taller. I can hug all of you, you know? I can hug you so completely that I don’t miss any part of you. I like that.”

Rafael makes a small hum. A small “Mhm” that translates as “me too.”

“Still, sometimes I wish you were smaller. Like, tiny kinda small. Small enough to keep in my pocket.”

Rafael closes his eyes, listening to him ramble.

“Kinda sounds weird, but I think you’d like it. Y’know, nobody bothering you, nobody trying to hurt you. Just you, in my chest pocket, real close to my heart.”

There’s some silence, and Rafael thinks Sonny might be asleep.

“Course, sometimes I think you’d be even safer there. I mean, it’s my heart, but it’s your home. Why shouldn’t you live there? You’d be safe there. You’d never, ever have to worry about someone hurting you again.”

Rafael’s eyes open, and he takes in the plain of his lover’s chest.

“I know, I know, it’s anatomically impossible and probably not the safest place for a person to be what with the constant, violent muscle contraction.” Sonny comes back, though his voice is gentle.

Rafael brings up his hand and rests his fingertips over his pale skin where he can feel Sonny’s heart beating. The flesh he finds is warm but pliant.

The image of a bullet destroying Sonny, going right through that strong chest, tearing open his heart, it’s one he can’t push back. That heart is Rafael’s home, and it’s the only place he’s ever felt safe enough to let go. The image doesn’t break, it keeps his face fixed in worry.

One of Sonny’s hands comes to rest against his face, his thumb just grazing the corner of Rafael’s mouth.

“You don’t have to talk. But if you want to, I’m right here. I won’t judge you.”

Rafael meets his eye, seeing clearly the worrying lines around his face. They look wrong with the youthfulness of his longer hair, even though it’s still grey.

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice you were upset.” Sonny tries, but Rafael’s hand moves so there’s a finger pressed to his lips, shushing him. His face softens, and he kisses his finger before bringing it back to his chest.  Rafael closes his eyes and presses closer, getting rid of the last bit of space between them. He fills his lungs with Sonny’s scent.

Rafael lets himself be small. He lets Sonny take care of him because nobody else can. Nobody else knows how to. Nobody else ever bothered to learn.

It’s why, before he falls asleep, Rafael murmurs “te amo, mi héroe” against his husband’s shoulder.

“I love you too, Rafe. So, so much.” Sonny reassures, pulling him even tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys....I'm almost done with this story. And it's going just the way I want it to.   
> Ah! I'm so happy! So satisfied!  
> Anyway, good luck with your Monday (because that's probably when you're seeing this).


	13. Nocturnal

The morning after brings with it another shared shower, and a lot of affection on Sonny’s part. Rafael allows it, but something’s different. He’s not feeling as drained like he should. The night before seems like a dream.

Still, Rafael enjoys the extra kisses he’s given before setting out on his way to work. He’s waiting for something in his chest to pop, of for some dam to break.

Instead he feels…lighter. Not happier, but more at ease. It’s holding steady when he makes it to his office, and the half smile he throws in Carmen’s direction without hesitation proves it. This new buoyancy in his attitude carries him, and makes the time fly by. He doesn’t realize the time until he picks up his phone to answer another call.

“Barba.”

“Carisi.” Sonny shoots right back. Another smile tugs at his lips.

“Oh, hi. Sorry, I didn’t check the ID.”

“It’s okay. How’re you feeling?”

“You know something? I’ve been doing pretty well. No angsting, no excessive anger. I’m feeling better.”

Sonny sighs. “God, that’s so good to hear. So you made it the whole morning without feeling anxious?”

Rafael looks at the clock on his computer. Quarter to one. “I guess I did. Wow, that’s the time already?”

“Sure is. I’m so glad you’re feeling okay though. But you’re still going to the doctor today, right?”

“Oh, yes, thank you for reminding me, I forgot.”

“That’s why you keep me around isn’t it? Remind you about appointments and reach things on high shelves?”

“Among other things.” Rafael answers. His face twinges from how hard he’s smiling. “Is that why you called? To remind me of why I love you?”

“Well sure. Oh, and to let you know I’m gonna be late tonight.”

“Okay. Are you going to have your phone on you?”

“Probably. I don’t see why not. But you don’t have to wait up for me is all I’m saying.”

“Duly noted. Will I see you before then?”

“Probably not. We’re up to our necks on this case, but I’ll fill you in when we’ve got something concrete. I just wanted to call while I had a second.”

“How sweet of you, checking up on little old me.”

“Hey, you may be little but you’re not old. Besides, of course I am. You’re my husband, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“You sap.” Sonny replies, and Rafael chuckles. “Okay, but I gotta go now. Just text or call if you need me. You know. Love you.”

“Te amo, mi héroe” Rafael says. Sonny laughs a little, endeared, before hanging up.

Rafael turns in his seat to find Carmen, an arm full of copied papers, waiting at the threshold.

“Ah, good, set them right here.” He points to the corner of his desk. He can tell from the look on her face she heard something.

“What is it Carmen? What do you want to ask me?”

“Am I safe from being fired?”

“Nobody files the way you do or knows how to match my level of sass. So, let’s say yes. What do you want to ask me?”

“I’ve never quite understood your relationship with the Detective. What is it about him that attracts The Great Rafael Barba?”

 _I don’t have to be The Great Rafael Barba around him. I’m just Rafe, and he’s just Sonny._  

“What can I say? He’s bright, he’s positive, he has a good sense of humor…he’s a little brilliant, actually. He can match me wit for wit and make legal arguments on my level. I suppose we just click. He’s half my soul, as the poets say.”

_He’d be so proud if he heard that._

Carmen gives him a slight, knowing smile. “You’re still smitten with him after all this time.”

“Is it obvious when I talk about him?”

“A little. Still, it’s sweet. And it’s nice knowing you have a human side.”

“As opposed to my pitbull side?”

Her smile turns into a smirk. “I’m not going to say it, but I’m not going to deny it either.”

****

Sonny comes back to his desk, and sits down. A late night. He hopes Rafael understands why when he explains it. And he hopes Rafael won’t suffer too badly alone.

A hand grazes his shoulder and Sonny looks up to find Liv stood over him.

“You called Barba?”

“Yeah. I did. Everything’s okay. I didn’t tell him what we’re doing tonight, just said I’d be home late.”

“That’s good. No need to stress him out over this. Tonight’s just about collecting information, we’ll bring him in when we have something to work with.”

Sonny nods, and his eyes fall away from her. She follows his gaze and spots something she hadn’t before. A new picture frame. It’s small, easily missed, but among Carisi’s bland set-up, it’s something that stands out.

She reaches down and turns the frame so she can see it better. The picture it holds is of Barba. His skin is tan, his eyes are covered with sunglasses, he’s wearing shorts and a linen shirt, and he’s sat on the seawall that overlooks Havana Harbor. The picture is from their honeymoon.

 _He’s so lucky_ she thinks, though she’s not sure which ‘he’ she means.

She nudges it back into place and leaves her detective be for now.

****

Rafael is glad for his weekly excuse to leave early, but he dreads the aftermath. He knows he’ll be home alone until possibly two in the morning. He knows he won’t be able to sleep. He knows he’ll feel lonely.

But for the moment, Dr. Lindstrom is good company.

“It’s nice to see you again. I must say, I was surprised you cancelled last week.”

“Things were very hectic, I just didn’t have it in me last week. Now, though, now I’m okay.”

“Very well.” They take their seats, and the doctor folds his hands. “So, has anything noteworthy happened since the last time we spoke?”

“The wedding and the honeymoon. Obviously.”

“Ah, yes yes, I remember that. How did that go?”

“Amazing.” Rafael smiles. “A total dream. I couldn’t have asked for a better time.”

“There was some concern last time over the two of you being intimate during your honeymoon, on Sonny’s part anyway. Tell me, was that an issue?”

“No, actually. Not at all. When we were on vacation we were so far removed from all of that. Both of us were so relaxed. And it…it was absolutely beautiful. I swear, I’ve never felt so close to another person in my life.”

“That’s wonderful to hear. How about since you’ve returned? Have you had issues since?”

Rafael pauses, mulling that over, wondering how honest he should be.

“Last night I had…not really a panic, but…well, Sonny and I were being intimate, and when we finished I started to cry.”

The doctor nods, listening intently.

“It wasn’t anything that happened during sex. It actually felt really good. Sorry, if this is too much information for you. But somewhere in the middle of it all…I felt overwhelmed. It was like a trap door opened up underneath me and I was falling. Like everything hit me all at once.”

“What’s ‘everything’?”

Rafael sighs and rubs his forehead. “For starters, things between Sonny and his parents aren’t going well. He was a little annoyed at them when they didn’t come to the wedding, or send a gift, but he didn’t let that get to him. Well, his father heard that we were back in town, so he showed up in the middle of us having lunch with our friends the day after we came home. And Sonny, I love him, but he just got into it with him. He went and said that these people were his ‘real family.’”

“That was not well accepted?”

“Not at all. And then Liv tried to diffuse the situation, at which point he called her a ‘nosy broad’. Fin tried to help, at which point he was called the ‘n’ word. Then Dominick, Sonny’s dad, said something which set off Nick, who Sonny was elated to have around again because he’s living in California now, and Dominick called him a spick. And of course I got called a faggot.”

“That’s horrible.”

“It was. So there was that situation. Then I found out the day I came back to work that one of my old cases from Brooklyn was pretty much rendered moot. A guy who raped and killed three little girls got out on a plea deal because he agreed to testify against three of the guys in his gang who are on trial now. Which is absolutely ridiculous because he’s been inside for nine years, he probably knows nothing relevant.”

“It sounds like you took that personally.”

“That was such a hard case on the parents. I kept thinking about them. I remember how hard they hugged me when we won, and I couldn’t stop feeling like I’d failed them. Or like the system had failed them.”

Rafael presses down his already straight tie. “And then there’s Rita.”

“Rita…Rita, your old friend the defense attorney?”

“I was never friends with the defense attorney version but yes. She started bothering me to get on my good side again. We ended up spending a night drinking and for a while, it felt like old times. As if nothing had changed. And then she tells me ‘oh by the way, I’m coming back to work for the Manhattan DA, so we’ll be colleagues again.’”

“Isn’t that what you’ve wanted for her all along?”

“Of course it is. But it’s…it’s insulting.”

“Insulting.”

“Yes. Because she thinks she can just come on back to the good side and things will be hunky dory.”

“Which they can’t be.”

“She represented evil people. I watched her fight and win for wretched people, disgusting people, horrible people, because they paid her the right amount. How can I trust her after that?”

“Do you want to trust her again?”

“Of course I do. I’d love to have her as a friend again. It’s just not that simple. I need to build that trust with her again, and it seems like she wants to take a shortcut and pick up where she left off.”

“But that means she still values you. Or, at the very least, she respects you.”

“That doesn’t help as much as I’d like it to.”

“Very well. But let’s table that for the moment. Is there anything else part of that ‘everything’ you mentioned?”

“Uh…well, on top of all of that, this case we’re working on is very flimsy. We’re investigating a ring of human traffickers. They’re bringing women from the Middle East, as far as we know, and selling them at slave auctions. So far all we have is her testimony, which had to be translated because she only speaks Arabic.”

The good doctor shakes his head, still looking at Rafael.

“So, it sounds to me like you’ve been having a very stressful time. You’ve been dealing with more than normal, and sex triggered this ‘overwhelmed’ feeling you’re referring to.”

Rafael nods. “That sounds about right. So I’m not crazy?”

“Far from it, Rafael. Sex, from a physiological standpoint, is a very stimulating process. Not for the obvious reasons, but also chemically. During sex, a great deal of hormones and endorphins are released into the brain. This process can cause a lot of feelings that seem odd, but make sense when looking at them with a birds-eye view.”

Rafael nods, and shifts in his seat. “That makes sense.”

“Thank you. It’s always good to know I’m not talking over someone’s head. Sex is a form of release, both physically and emotionally. It could mean that while you were being intimate with someone you love so deeply, you felt safe enough to let your guard down and your stressed brain took the baton from there.”

The thought of Sonny, even laced with that painful memory, makes him smile. “I suppose.”

“Tell me this: How did Sonny react?”

Rafael actually chuckles and folds his hands, resting them on his lap. “How did he react? How would he react? He held me, told me he loved me, told me I was okay. Actually he thought at first that he had hurt me, but when I convinced him he didn’t he did all that. And then while we were laying there together he said…” again, he laughs “how he loves that I’m so small. He loves that he can hold all of me. Which is such a cheesy thing to say, but also the kind of thing I needed to hear. He reminded me I was more than that outburst.”

“It sounds like that’s why you love him. Because he knows what to say.”

Rafael shrugs. “I don’t know that that’s why.”

“Have you ever stopped and asked yourself why you love him so much?”

“Well…no, not really, but it’s funny you should ask that. My assistant, Carmen, she asked me just that today. She overheard the end of a phone call with him and she asked me why I loved him.”

“What did you tell her?”

“What could I say? I listed some of my favorite things about him and then I quoted a book I only read because he made me. I know my answer wasn’t thorough enough. I couldn’t quite articulate it then.”

“But now?”

“Now…” He sighs and closes his eyes, thinking.

“He knows me. When he talks and I make a snarky comment at him, he doesn’t get mad. He sends one right back at me, or he laughs it off. Or when I start making a legal argument, he keeps me on my toes. Or, or the way he can just _look_ at me and know if something’s wrong. And when he realizes it, he waits until we’re alone before asking if he can hug me because he knows I want to be held, but there’s that stupid little part of me that still hates bothering people for their affection. Or how, if I’m having a bad night, he’ll stay awake with me and hold me, and he’ll even go and check out the rest of apartment, because he knows if he doesn’t I’ll spend the night having a staring competition with our bedroom door.”

Rafael’s voice is higher now, and quicker too. Dr. Lindstrom watches the way Rafael’s arms wrap around himself. “And when he hugs me…god, he’s so tall, just all long limbs, and when he holds me it really is like he’s holding all of me. Like he’s holding my body and my soul. He just fits so perfectly around me, like one of those stupid puzzle piece metaphors. Except it’s true this time.”

His eyes shut tighter, and he lets out a deep sigh. “There’s a million things I don’t have to tell him because he already knows me inside and out. For the first time in my life there’s a person that makes me feel like I’m not completely alone. If I lost him…if I lost him…”

The panic rises in his stomach, because he’s been to the brink of losing Sonny before. Three times, that he knows of. He has to take a few more breaths to bring himself down, and push out all of those thoughts.

When his eyes open again, the doctor is staring at him. He can’t be annoyed. This is the most emotion he’s ever shown in this office. Barba swallows and drops his grip on himself.

“I’m sorry. Does that answer your question?”

“I think so.” The doctor says softly, still looking intently at Barba. There’s silence as Barba composes himself. When he’s together once again, the doctor goes on.

“You’re very attached to Sonny. But, from what I’ve heard so far, you’re not really the ‘get attached’ type.”

“No, I suppose I’m not.”

“When did you first realize the intensity of the love you had for him? Sometimes people can pinpoint a certain event or moment that made them realize they loved another person. Can you think of one?”

Rafael only thinks for a moment.

“When my abuelita passed away.”

“Uh huh. And when was this?”

“February of 2015.”

“Oh. Oh wow, that was very early in your relationship, was it not?”

“It was. We got together that new year’s.”

“Talk me through it.”

Rafael takes a breath and let’s himself sit further back in his seat.

“It was such an awful time. Maybe an hour after I got the call from my mom I called Sonny- we’d had dinner plans, obviously I had to cancel. And he asked me if I wanted him to come over, or if I needed anything. I was reluctant at first but, eventually, I told him yes. Well he shows up with Chinese food for my mother and I. I felt better having him there.”

He takes a moment before continuing.

“He said ‘I’m leaving’, but he could tell I was upset at the thought. So, without missing a beat, he says ‘to get some clothes, I’ll meet back at your place in a half hour? Do you need me to bring anything?’ No hesitation. No questioning.”

“So it was this support he showed you that made you realize it?”

“No, it’s more specific than that. Yes, he was there for me and my mother while we made the arrangements and what not, but that moment was so specific… It was the night before the burial. He kept telling me, when we were alone of course, that he was there for me if I needed to ‘let it out’.”

He pinches his wedding ring between his right thumb and forefinger, twisting it around on his finger.

“I was laying out my clothes for the burial when it really hit me. I had to sit down. I sat down on my bed and I called out his name. He came out of my bathroom, hair still wet, toothbrush in hand…I tried to tell him something, but the floodgates opened. I started to cry. And like that he was around me, holding me, soothing me. Shushing me, but not like he was trying to make me be quiet. It was like he just wanted me to know he was there. I laid there in his arms for hours, sobbing like a baby. I had never…never ever cried in front of a lover.”

“Like that?”

“Like anything. I’d never cried in front of anyone I was romantic with. He was a first. Because I knew I could trust him.”

“Have you told him so?”

“I have. I told him later, months later. He makes me feel safe enough to cry. He’s not going to judge me or smack me. He lets me be weak in a way nobody else has ever let me.”

“Who smacked you for crying?” The doctor sounds disturbed.

Rafael gives him a look. “Remember how I don’t want to talk about my father?”

The doctor nods in understanding.

“When we were on our honeymoon, we spent the last day and a half in Cuba. Sonny knows he’s buried there. Not once did he ask me if we were going to visit him.”

“Did your father know you were bisexual?”

“No. No, no, no, no, no, not a chance. He might’ve killed me. I never could have told him that.”

“But you told your mother.”

“My mother loves me.”

“And…and your father didn’t.”

“Nope. Never heard him say it once.”

“Did you love him?”

Rafael has to think. “I…I don’t think I did. I don’t remember ever feeling ‘love’ for him. Just resentment.”

“Do you think that’s affected the way you handle relationships?”

He shrugs again. “Maybe. It taught me love isn’t guaranteed.”

“Except from Sonny.”

Rafael pulls himself up straighter in his chair. “Doc…please don’t say what I think you’re going to.”

“Which is?”

“That I look to men for some weird surrogate for paternal affection. If you are, I’m walking out of here.”

“I’m not so Freudian.”

“Ah yes, Freud the homophobe.”

“He was, but it’s an expression more or less.”

“Good. Because that’s not true. I’m not that messed up.”

“So why do you think I said what I did?”

“Couldn’t you just tell me? I’m not in the mood for twenty questions.”

“Just…think about it.”

“I’d like to move on to something else. Please.”

“Fine, fine.” The doctor raises his hands in surrender, letting the subject slip away.

****

Sonny’s used to being undercover as something sleazy: a pedophile, a john, a pimp. Something that nobody would miss.

Today is different. Today he’s in an expensive suit, with his hair straightened (courtesy of Amanda and a cheap flat iron) with a glass of some fruity cocktail in his hand. And some NYPD camera glasses on his face.

Believe it or not, he’s not the most eccentric person there.

He’d thought that walking into the basement of an abandoned hospital would mean on overwhelming air of filth. But this space…it looks like they could be anywhere high class. Maybe an art opening for Manhattan’s most elite. Something that brings out people who wear high fashion because they have money to burn. And, at the center of it all, a runway barricaded off with Plexiglas.

It’s more than they could have known. It’s not just women. And they’re not just Middle Eastern. Each auction begins with the board next to the runway flashing brightly the age/sex/origin of the person being actioned off, along with the starting bid. And each person there has a clicker in hand.

Sonny takes a sip of his sickeningly sweet drink and tears his attention away from the 16 year old female from Thailand to catch sight of his fellow officers. On the other side of the room, Fin is wearing a tuxedo with a red shirt, and Liv is wearing a glittery black gown, with her hair in an updo. The dress is conservative, with sleeves and a high neck, but there’s a slit that goes almost entirely up her thigh. She’s resting an arm around Fin, who’s holding their clicker.

They’re not the only couple there.

Sonny clicks his button, entering his bid before being swiftly outbid for the 19 year old male from Togo. He’s sure to vary his gaze between the slaves and the people around him, careful to not linger in any one place.

He’s trying to give plenty for Amanda and the two vice cops, who are waiting in the truck three blocks over, to see. Sonny doesn’t recognize anybody, but maybe the two of them do. Or maybe someone else will. Sonny takes another drink to calm his nerves and looks over to find Fin and Liv again. Only, they’re not where they were standing. He takes a quick sweep of the room, and something in him starts to angst.

And then he feels a hard mass press into his back. Hot breath hits his ear.

“Start walking.”

He does as he’s told, but that angsting part only gets louder as they walk towards the door.

****

Between the time Rafael leaves his doctor’s appointment and the time he arrives home, he’s reminded how constricting Loneliness is. In all his years alone, Barba had convinced himself that Loneliness was a completely acceptable partner. It’s now, when Loneliness takes Sonny’s place, that he realizes how wrong he was all those years.

In place of Sonny, it’s Loneliness that accompanies him to dinner. And to the movies. And the grocery store. And the burger joint, to pick up food for his husband. And for himself, since he’s hungry again. Despite the three plates of sushi he had for dinner and the large popcorn (and soda) he polished off at the movies, he’s still hungry. Or maybe that’s Loneliness talking.

There was no caffeine in his root beer, but the amount of sugar he’s consumed means he absolutely cannot sleep. The shower he takes can’t calm him down. A hundred and twenty pages of his book doesn’t heavy his eyelids. A few episodes of Sonny’s old favorite crime drama, even when they’re the only light in the room, can’t send him off. All the while, Loneliness is there to remind him how much he misses Sonny.

Loneliness makes the space next to him in bed freezing, and sneaks into the empty space between Sonny’s Fordham sweatshirt and his skin.

Loneliness pulls him out of bed and into the kitchen to eat the fries out of his own meal, and pour himself a glass of scotch.

Loneliness turns up the volume of every single noise that comes from inside the apartment, and out.

Rafael has one more drink than he normally would before going back to bed, the television still going. He checks his phone.

1:47.

The tentative calm formed by the alcohol shatters, and he sits right up. Rafael checks his texts, and his calls.

 _Late means two. Any later than two and you need to call again_ Rafael remembers them setting that rule after an old fight. An old fight that happened so long ago. _God, we were so much safer back then._  

A little bit of Rafael wants to do what he did on election night: take three Benadryl and knock himself out. That way it’ll all be over when he wakes up. Only that’s not an option this time, because he wants to be awake to hold Sonny when he finally comes home. Instead, he tries to get to sleep on his own He lays in bed and watches videos on his phone, and at the end of every one he checks his messages again. Each time he makes note of the time.

1:51

1:58

2:07

2:13

2:20

2:33

2:46

2:48

2:52

2:57

3:04

3:09

3:17

3:29

3:36

3:48

3:55

4:02

Rafael can’t stand it anymore. He sits up in bed, though his body begs him not to. He feels nauseous and the base of his neck is beginning to hurt again. He opens his Find My iPhone app and logs into Sonny’s account. His chest hurts, watching the compass icon rock back and forth.

The street it pops up on is one he doesn’t recognize. So he taps the little car icon that brings the address up in Maps. It gives him an address he now recognizes as Brooklyn. His hands sweat.

_Wait, hold on. Maybe there’s a reason for this._

Rafael forces himself to breathe, then opens his contacts and finds Lucy. He calls her twice, only getting her to pick up on the fourth ring.

“Hello?” she slurs.

“Hi, Lucy, it’s Barba. Did Liv come home?”

“Uh…huh…when I was last there she hadn’t. I had to call Nick’s mom to come take Noah.”

“So…so Liv didn’t come home?”

“No. She didn’t. Sorry. I gotta sleep-“

“Goodnight Lucy.” He hangs up and immediately dials another number.

“Tucker.” The man picks up on the third ring, though he sounds sleepy.

“It’s Barba. Liv didn’t come home and neither did Carisi and I can see he’s at an address in a shady part of Brooklyn and I don’t-“

“Woah, slow down Counselor. What’s happening?”

He takes a long breath. “Carisi didn’t come home. Liv didn’t come home. I tracked his phone to a place in Brooklyn.”

“You don’t think they’re just working?”

“Not without calling. Carisi would have told me if he was going to be later. He said he would be late and late means two unless you call and say you’re going to be later…”

“Where in Brooklyn?” The man asks, sounding more awake.

“I’ll send you a screenshot. I know it’s late but please, _please_ check this out-“

“Don’t worry, I’m on my way. Send it right now.” The other man hangs up, and Barba’s hands shake as he screenshots the map, then sends it to Tucker, who he’s literally never sent a message to before. His heart squeezes against his ribs when he realizes that this is real. That it’s so real he had to call the police.

_Oh God…please let Sonny be okay. Please let Liv be okay. Please let them all be okay. Please, please let them be alive. Don’t let them be dead. God, if you’re listening, don’t let them be dead. Sonny deserves better. Liv has Noah. Rollins-_

Rollins. He didn’t call Rollins, or Fin.

He pulls out his phone, then freezes.

_Maybe…maybe they’re being held somewhere and their phones are off._

_But Sonny has his on._

_Oh god, if I call I could get them killed._

_Unless their phones were dumped._

Rafael pushes the thought right out of his head and gets up to change out of his pajamas. He wants to be ready.

He checks the time between each article of clothing, praying to any god that might be listening.

_Don’t let Sonny be dead. Oh God, Allah, Yahweh, Shiva, Brahman, please don’t let him be dead. Don’t let Sonny be dead. He’s too good for that. He can’t be dead, not yet. There’s so much he hasn’t done yet._

Rafael begins to pace, while staring at his screen. His dot hasn’t moved, and neither has the knot in his chest. Though the knot has grown, wrapping around his throat too.

Loneliness settles in around Rafael. He fights it in the way he keeps pacing around the apartment while the light outside becomes visible once again, as if he can chase it out. But he can feel the way Loneliness is making itself comfortable. He can feel how Loneliness is settling into the spot on the couch where Carisi likes to sit. Loneliness makes itself at home, it’s invisible tendrils wrapping around all of his belongings, giving them an extra sting to look at. Loneliness seeps into the errant squeaky floorboards, making them louder and more startling.

Loneliness, it seems, is here to stay for a while. And why shouldn’t Loneliness stick around? After all, it’s Rafael’s most reliable companion. Because Loneliness has a guaranteed return rate. Nothing can kill it, even though everybody wants to.

Rafael gives up trying to chase it off, and ends up sat in front of his apartment door, with his head between his knees and his hands clamped around the back of his neck. He’s waiting, because if Sonny unlocks their door Rafael needs to be there to undo the chain for him.

It’s the buzzing of his phone that makes Rafael unfold, and he sees it’s Ed calling back before he picks up.

“Did you find him?”

“Yes, we did.” Tucker starts in about something, but Rafael cuts off.

“Where is he?”

“He’s at Mt. Sinai, they’re bringing him in now-“

“How bad?”

“He’s okay. His face is beat up, but he walked out of the building under his own volition.”

Rafael’s vision blurs with tears. “Is everyone alive?”

“They are. They’re alive and safe and they’ll be there soon. Should I come pick you up?”

“No, that’s fine, I’m on my way.”

Rafael is out the door and in a cab before he can process it all. Loneliness is still wrapped around him, holding onto him with a vice like grip. There’s no way Rafael is this lucky, that Carisi is actually safe once again.

The ride is excruciating, and he seems to run out of the cab, trying to ditch Loneliness. Seeing Sonny would cure that.

Ed Tucker, with his white hair and weary face, are waiting for Rafael in the Emergency Room.

“Barba, good, he’s right through here.”

Rafael grabs him by the hand and looks the old man in the eye. “Is there…is there anything I need to know?”

“What?”

Rafael gives him a hard look. “Is there anything I need to know?”

“Uh…they were in the middle of an undercover operation? Looking for information into a human trafficking case when their cover was blown.”

“Under-“ Rafael half yells, but clamps a hand over his mouth. “I meant, did he disclose anything?”

“He wasn’t…assaulted, not so far as I know. None of them were. Do you still want to see him?”

Rafael nods, but the anger is the one tightening his knots now. Because how _dare_ he go on such a risky mission? How dare they _all_ go? How could he do something so stupid and leave Rafael awake the entire night, trying not to go crazy?

Ed finds the bed that Sonny’s in and the curtains get thrown back.

And there’s Sonny.

One of his eyes is completely black, while only the underside of the other is harmed. His lip is split, his hair is pulled away from his face, and there’s a bandage over a patch of his neck. Sonny looks up, and drops the ice cube he’s holding to his mouth into a cup.

Rafael’s façade crumbles. Just like that, his anger is dissolved into pure worry. He opens his mouth to speak, but just like the night before he’s betrayed by his voice. He’s quiet. The only thing coming out is his uneasy breath.

“O-oh my god…” Rafael gets out, his voice strained. He reaches a shaking hand out to touch his husband, but he can’t actually touch him for fear he might break.

“Rafe.” Sonny speaks in a hoarse whisper. That single word strikes Rafael in a weak spot, and he can’t stop the tears that break through. He plops down next to Sonny on the gurney and clutches him tight. He can feel how his face is stuck with the way he’s sobbing.

Sonny’s arms finally close around him. Rafael melts as, finally, Loneliness is staved off. When that minor relief is gone, his rage bubbles up. He pulls back and closes his hands around Sonny’s shirt, shaking him hard.

“What the fuck did you do?!” He screams. He can’t see Carisi past his ugly tears, but he hears how his husband’s voice changes.

“I-I dunno…one second I was just…and then there was….a gun…and they…a-and I….”

His own face twists, and Rafael’s heart shatters. He know how bad his face must hurt. Rafael let’s go of his shirt and instead wraps his arms around his torso, forgetting that there could be other injuries.

“You’re safe.” Rafael whispers past his sobs. “You’re safe now…you’re safe…”

Sonny tries to say something, but he’s cut off by his sobs. He clutches Rafael close, rocking them back and forth.

“I…I-I love you-“

“I love you too.” Rafael manages. “Te amo. Te amo mi héroe, te amo, te amo, te amo.” His words disintegrate into sobs.

They can’t stop crying. It’s the kind of crying that rips through people and won’t quiet until it’s heard by everyone in a five bed radius.

That’s plenty. It lets all the other detectives have their hearts broken by the sound of their sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow wow wow, when did this chapter get so long???? I have no idea.   
> I might be skipping tomorrow's update, just to let myself get ahead.   
> Anywho, hope you guys enjoyed this ridiculously long update, I know I always do.


	14. Festivities

The sound that wakes Sonny is a car horn, far away, outside his window. It brings him out of the shallow stages of his sleep, and pulls him to consciousness. There’s a split second before the night comes crashing back down on Sonny.

The gun in his back.

The blindfold.

The warehouse, damp and smelling of rot.

The rope around his wrists.

The voice demanding “Who are you?!” before every blow.

Carisi snaps his eyes open in the hopes of pushing the image away, but a sharp pain radiates through his face.

“Sonny?” Rafael’s voice greets, husked from the intensity of his crying. He appears in Sonny’s vision, leaning over him. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Carisi tries to clear his throat, with no success. “Um…water? Please?” He grapples, as the pain around his eyes seeps back into his head.

“Of course.” Rafael agrees, and gets out of bed. Sonny listens for his husband’s steps, all the while biting back the night before. He tries to sit up when Rafael’s footsteps disappear into the carpeting, only to be halted in his actions by the sharp pain in his neck.

“Need help?” Rafael asks, coming around to his side of the bed. Sonny doesn’t have to reply. Rafael helps him sit up, then holds the glass so the straw is in reach without him having to move his head.

Sonny looks at Rafael, but only for a moment. The pain he sees there is too intense. Instead he moves his gaze down to look at Barba’s hand, the one not holding the glass, and even that motion makes his whole face throb with pain.

“Here” the other hand raises a little. Sonny moves to hold out his hand, though his wrists ache. Rafael drops a half of a pill into his hand, and Sonny gazes at the other man.

“Half a Valium. Doctor gave me a few for you, since you have a strained neck.”

Sonny takes the pill to his lips and swallows it before Rafael holds the straw to his lips again.

“I called the chiropractor. He said he could fit you in tomorrow. I didn’t think you would want to go today.”

Sonny pats Rafael’s cheek. He knows he’s smiling, a little, by the way his split lip twinges. Rafael rests his own hand over his lover’s.

“I also called Dr. Lindstrom. I know he helped you before…thought…you know…maybe now would be a good help too. Other than that…can I do anything for you?”

Carisi thinks for a minute, his hand still on Rafael’s face. The older man gently presses his lips to his fingers. The warmth relieves some of the strain, and clears his mind a little.

“Just…my phone.”

“Sure. Here.” Rafael pulls away from him and unplugs Carisi’s phone from where it’s place on the nightstand. He places it in Carisi’s hands, then gets up and lightly pecks Sonny’s forehead. Sonny closes his eyes and with Rafael’s help he lays back down. 

“I’ll be in the other room.” Rafael promises. “Just text me if you need me.”

Sonny squeezes his hand before letting go. His wrist zings with pain at the tension.

The Valium takes effect quickly, since he has nothing in his stomach. The drugs put distance between himself and the pain. It makes it bearable for Sonny to open his eyes and look at his phone. The number of notifications on his phone app have gone up again.

Twenty one missed calls, and twenty one messages. Twice a day since the day after the fight. Plus one from today.

All unheard.

Sonny takes a deep breath and starts at the beginning, since he thinks he can finally handle it.

“Hey, Sonny it’s your father. I just…well, I was hoping you’d pick up, but I wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you so mad and I’m sorry I insulted your friends. I just got thrown off and I snapped. I’m your father, you know I’m not like that. I love you, son. Please call me back.”

Sonny feels a pain in his heart, listening to his father’s voice. He swallows and moves on to the next one.

“Hi Sonny. Just me again. Didn’t know if you got my last message, but…y’know, I’m sorry for whatever with your friends. I know you didn’t want your old man around for that, or you would’ve invited me. Like…like you did the wedding. I dunno, just call me so we can work this out. Please. Love you son.”

“For whatever” Sonny mutters, and moves on to the next one.

As the days go on, the messages get longer and longer, until they’re ten minutes long. During the last one he listens to his father ramble about Teresa and how she got a new job doing PR for something or another. Sonny stares at his ceiling, trying to keep his head straight.

When it’s over, Sonny puts his phone down on his stomach.

_Dad’s…sorry. He’s sorry. He’s been trying to apologize to me. Can he really move past this?_

He stays there, turning the thought over in his head. Because he knows his father. He’s heard him say the word ‘faggot’ like it’s nothing, but he’d never heard anything worse. Not before that day, when he set his father off.

Then again, the amount of times he said that hateful word can’t be forgotten.

His brain freezes when he feels and hears his phone ringing, buzzing against his shirt. He picks it up so he can see the caller ID, and sure enough it’s his father.

First ring.

_Ignore it._

Second ring.

_Pick it up._

Third ring.

_Now._

His thumb pushes the button, and he brings the phone to his ear. There’s silence on the other end. Sonny holds his breath. Waiting.

“Hello?” His father finally speaks, and the panic makes his fingers itch.

_Hang up, hang up, fucking hang up-_

“Hi pop.”

“Sonny…hey…good to hear you.”

“Yeah. Same to you.”

Dominick stalls. Sonny listens to his father breathing on the other end. He’s quiet too. It seems neither of them thought this far ahead.

“So…listen.” Sonny has to begin. “I was thinking, if you and ma are doing something for the Fourth, I could swing by.”

“That…” Dominick clears his throat. “That sounds nice. You and…uh…y’know, the both of you should drop by. Maybe stick around for the day.”

“Rafael, dad. His name is Rafael.”

“Yeah. You and Rafael come by and hang with us. I know Staten Island is a schelp for you, but it’ll be nice to have you around.”

“Uh huh.”

Dominick stops again. Sonny closes his eyes.

“Would you mind if I brought Lucia? Rafael’s mom? She’s…well, she’s just itching to meet you guys.”

“Yeah, sure, the more the merrier.”

“Yeah.” Rafael agrees, then clears his throat. “If she insists she bring something, what should I tell her?”

“Uh...a better bottle opener. I still haven’t gotten around to replacing the old one.”

Sonny listens. Dominik tries again.

“You know, the one that’s half broken. The one your mother dropped down the garbage disposal when you were, like, twelve?”

Dominick laughs to himself, hoping his son will too. He doesn’t.

“Bottle opener. Got it.” Sonny agrees.

“Okay then. Well…see you soon.”

“See you then.” Sonny replies. He waits, wondering if his father will actually say the words now. After a minute of silence between, Sonny hangs up.

****

The week and a half between the kidnapping and the Fourth of July is enough time for Sonny’s face to heal, giving away nothing. His eyes are no longer black, and his lip is whole so it doesn’t hurt to smile at his mother, who greets them when the three of them come in through the back gate. She throws her arms around him and smothers his face with kisses. He feels it in the way she holds him that she’s missed him

She’s not the one he’s angry with.

He decides then and there to start fresh with her, and when she pulls back he grins at her.

“I missed you too, ma.”

“It’s been too long.”

“Way too long, way way too long.”

“Oh, and you brought company! How lovely.”

“Of course. Mom, this is Rafael. And his mother, Lucia.”

A strange air passes over them when they realize this is the first time Rafael has actually been introduced to someone in his family. Lucia doesn’t acknowledge it though. Lucia hugs Valerie like they’re old friends and hands off the new bottle opener, her visiting present.

“You all go, sit” Valerie insists. “Join the party.”

The party being the rest of the family sat around on the back patio, Dominick only for a respite between his spells at the smoking grill. When they come into view, his sisters and father all say hello like nothing has happened. Again, Sonny introduces the two of them. Lucia says hello to Bella by name before (successfully) identifying everyone else.

“Oh, hi Sonny, hi Rafe. Hey, you brought Lucia.” Tommy says when he exits the house with a drink in hand.

“Tommy! Good to see you again.” Lucia pulls him into a hug and the rest of the family stares. Sonny uses it as an excuse for him and Rafael to find seats.

“It’s great to see you too. Hey, how’d that thing at work you were telling me about work out?”

“Ugh, I’ll tell you” She pats his chest. “But first I need a _drink!_ ”

He laughs. “Well what’re you drinking?”

“Anything with alcohol. Surprise me.”

“Alright, I will. Sonny, you probably want a beer and Rafael…scotch, right? Neat?”

“You remember well.” Rafael replies, the first words his family hears from him since arriving. Teresa and Gina are sat close together, sizing him up, while Dominick pretends Rafael isn’t there. Bella’s the bridge that gets them all into a conversation, while still moving past the shock of someone _liking_ Tommy.

It’s made easier, just a little, when Valerie turns on the radio to one of the pop stations. The opening notes to “Despacito” play, and Sonny chuckles before looking at Rafael, with another attempt at making him talk. The degree of his quiet disturbs Sonny.

“Can you believe we actually went a whole week without hearing this song?”

“How the hell did you manage that?” Gina asks. Rafael shrugs.

“We didn’t listen to the radio in Antigua. And Radio Rebelde isn’t exactly playing the top 40.”

“What what now?” Teresa asks.

“That’s the radio station in Cuba.” Sonny answers like she should know that.

“Cuba?” Dominick almost spits the word. “The hell were you doing there?”

“That was the second part of our honeymoon.” Carisi answers. “It was great by the way, thanks for asking.”

“How’d you get there?” He presses. Rafael pauses, considering how honest he should be.

“I’m actually a duel citizen. For reasons I still haven’t had fully explained to be. So we had an easy time going there. Still, when Adelina had the radio on and I heard “para Estados Unidos” I just kinda went ‘no, click, not dealing with this today. I’ll hear about it when we get back.’ A day and a half of state run media really made me miss pop music.

“You’re joking.” Gina asks.

“Not at all. Besides, I like this song.” Rafael breaks off and sings along mildly to the second verse. Now all three of the Carisi daughters are staring at him, while Sonny just looks proud.

“Damn. You’re a good singer.” Bella comments. Sonny huffs.

“Good? Please. I mean, not that the neighbors care at 1:30 in the morning how good his rendition of “Satisfied” is, but I do.”

“Satisfied…as in _Hamilton_?” Teresa asks, her interest piqued. The corner of Rafael’s lip pulls up.

“Let’s just say I practiced the law, I practically perfected it.”

“I’ve seen injustice in the world and I’ve corrected it.” Sonny continues.

“Now, for a strong central democracy, if not then I’ll be Socrates throwing verbal rocks at these mediocrities.” They say in tandem before they break off in laughter. They’re all a bit endeared by the way the words twist with Sonny’s accent and get caught in Rafael’s lisp.

Almost all. Dominick just looks confused as to why Teresa is now freaking out.

“Oh my god, yes! I love that show! I waited a goddamn year to see that show and I’m so mad I didn’t get to see it with the original cast.”

“Oh, like we did you mean?” Sonny asks. She glares at him.

“Shut the fuck up.”

“No way, Teresa. It’s true. We saw it, _with_ the original cast.”

“Oh. My. God! What the actual hell? I’m so jealous. How the hell did that happen?”

“Talk to him.” Sonny nudges Rafael. She’s staring at him, openly, but this time with awe instead of disgust.

“It was a coincidence, really. I stopped by one of those ‘Hispanic American something-or-other’ dinners and I started talking to this guy. I thought I recognized him, but I couldn’t figure out why so I just let it go. Only fifteen minutes into our talk do I realize I’m talking to Lin Manuel-Miranda, and the reason I recognize him is because I know him from his show _In The Heights._ ”

“Love that show too, go on.”

“Well, I mention that to him and oh my god, he freaks out. As if knowing about his Tony Award winning show is such a shock. Then he offers me two tickets so I can see for myself if _Hamilton_ measures up. And surprise, it does.”

“Oh my god, I’m so jealous. Is he nice in real life? I want him to be as sweet and precious as he seems in interviews.”

“He is. He actually invited us backstage the day we went.”

“You’re kidding.” She glares at her brother. “You actually got to meet Lin Manuel freaking Miranda?”

Sonny laughs and pulls out his phone. He easily finds the picture of both him and Rafael, with the aforementioned creative in between them.

“Oh my gosh, can I just say? You look adorable here.” Teresa says, looking at Rafael. He smiles, pleased by the sudden turn.

“Thank you. I don’t hear that often.”

Sonny gives him a hard look, and it takes Rafael a minute to notice. “What? From someone besides you.”

“Yeah, that’s what I fucking thought.”

“Oh hush, he knows you love him.” Lucia chides and nudges him. “Despite the way he dresses.”

“Please Mami” Barba cuts in. “What’s wrong with the way I dress?”

“Oh nothing, you have impeccable fashion taste, with your loud ties and neon shirts you’re quite the icon.”

“I dress the way I like.”

“Yes, and the way you like is so jarring. Mijo, I swear, it’s horribly confusing to look at.”

“Oh really.” Rafael laughs, and looks over at Carisi. It takes him a second to realize he’s being looked at.

“What?”

“You’re not going to say anything about the way I dress?”

“I have no problem with the way you dress.”

“Oh, come on Soleado, have you not noticed?”

“I know, I know you’re talkin’ about the striped ties and the pink suspenders and the multitude of patterns.” He shrugs. “I’m not bothered by that. It’s just the way you dress, y’know? Although I gotta say my favorite outfit is the coordinating purple tie and pocket square and susperners, usually with the grey shirt and the black suit. The really black suit, not the lighter one.”

Barba blinks, and turns to look at him fully. ”You’ve memorized my outfits?”

“There’s so few you actually repeat. Besides, it’s a nice look on you.”

His sisters ‘aw’ at that.

 _That’s so gay_ Dominick thinks, but it’s tinged with guilt. The longer he’s around this man, he feels annoyed with himself for ever letting the word ‘spick’ come out of his mouth. Had he known that Rafael was Latino, he never would have said it. Still, he keeps his mouth shut. He lets the conversation drift, and he’s pretty glad when Rafael isn’t talking.

Lucia is a different story. Something about how she speaks, even though it’s peppered with Spanish terms he can’t understand, is less grating to him than hearing her son.

“…oh man, that must have been…over a decade ago.” Lucia tries at the end of her story she’s telling. “That was right after Roberto went. No, more than that. What was that, fifteen years ago?”

“Seventeen, Mami.” Rafael corrects. Lucia stares off and counts backwards on her fingers.

“Huh, I guess it was seventeen. See? Don’t you just love when they remember more than you?” Lucia offers to her in laws.

“I mean, what do we expect, right?” Valerie says. “I swear, sometimes my kids start telling a story about something and I’m just like ‘uh…when was this?”

“Are you sure it’s just because they’re stories we don’t know about? Because, trust me, I’m sure there are plenty of those.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rafael asks, though he looks amused.

“Oh hush, I know you don’t have many stories like that. God, you were such a boring teenager.”

“Really?” Valerie asks. “I can’t imagine.”

“Oh, honey, please. Other parents in the neighborhood, their kids are having sex, they’re drinking, they’re doing drugs. And of course, what’s he doing? His homework. God, I really hope you had a life when you went off to Harvard.”

“Harvard?” Valerie asks, her head tilting.

“Hey, ma come on. I know I told you that.” Bella sounds annoyed.

“Oh…oh, right.” She says, backtracking. “Still, I mean, that’s very impressive.”

“Oh, of course it is.” Lucia goes on. “I swear, I was so proud of him. But I was worried about him going so far away, you know? Not like I needed to be. I would call him every few days just to see what was going on, and I got the PG version. The boring, class laden version of events.”

“What makes you think that wasn’t the real version?” Rafael asks.

“Dios mio, either that or you just were that boring. I swear, I would ask him ‘do you have someone up there to keep you company?’ and of course he says ‘I have my study group.” She laughs. “But it worked, I guess. I wasn’t surprised at all when I found out he was going into the law school there too.”

 _Someone up there to keep you company_ Dominick thinks from his place at the grill. _She knew he was screwing guys back then._

“Didn’t you always know?” Rafael asks. Lucia makes a dismissive noise and sips her Corona.

“Please.” She looks at Valerie. “I wish I had a camera at my fingertips when he was a kid, because there’s so many things people don’t believe when I tell them about it. Like when he was six years old. Oh que la, I don’t know how, but he renegotiated his bedtime with me. And won.”

Valerie laughs. “You’re joking!”

“Oh my mother’s soul, I swear to you. Somehow I ended up with the only six year old who had a 9:30 bedtime.”

Valerie finds her own story about her Sonny, though she only gets halfway through it before her husband announces that food is ready. They’re broken up from where they’re sat, everyone going from the scattered chairs to the ones around the table. Except Lucia and Valerie end up cut off from the rest of the group, sat at another small table, eating while they share stories about their sons.

“I swear, mira, I never saw someone so calm on their wedding day. He was just so cool and collected. And I’m trying to make him _realize_ how big a deal it all is, but he’s just-“ she cuts herself off and makes a disbelieving noise. The way she talks, there’s no blame in her voice. No resentment. She’s just talking about her son and how he acted on his wedding day.

“Bella said he was really calm too. And she said Sonny was nervous.”

“Oh, no, no, no, Soleado wasn’t nervous. Sweet boy, he was the right amount of excited. Along with his usual energy, it was so….” She grins. “He acted the way you expect someone to act on their wedding day.”

Valerie swallows a bite of hamburger, trying to swallow back a question with it.

“What is it, sweetheart?” Lucia asks.

“It’s nothing. It’s just…” _did he miss us? Did my son miss me? Did he miss having us there for the biggest day of his life? Did I hurt him by not coming?_ “Did Rafael miss his father at his wedding?”

Lucia’s eyebrows knit, and she finishes her bite, already shaking her head.

“Oh no. Not at all. He might have burned the church down.”

“What? No he wouldn’t have.”

“Oh yes he would have. Trust me, it’s a good thing Roberto was in an urn in his family mausoleum for that instead of alive and invited. Though Rafe wouldn’t have invited him.”

“He’s been gone a long time, huh? What did your son say before?”

“Seventeen years. Though, really, it’s a lifetime ago. If I didn’t have Rafe to remind me, I would never know.”

“You…you don’t miss him?”

She shrugs. “He gave me the best thing that ever happened to me. Though really, that wasn’t intentional. I still have my favorite thing about him in my son though.”

“His spirit?”

“Oh fuck no, his eyes. All of the men in that family- Roberto, all eight of his brothers, his father- they all have those gorgeous green eyes. Spirit wise, he’s all me. My mother never let me forget it. When she would watch me debate with him, she’d go ‘yep, he’s all you.’”

“That’s…that’s…” Valerie searches.

“I know, I know, it’s always worrying when your kids turn out like you. But really, he got the best parts of me. He was smarter in his youth than I was. I’ll _never_ say I regretted having mi nene, but letting myself get tied down that way I regretted. Rafe, he waited for his soulmate. I’m sure he had his fun, but he didn’t get too wrapped up in his lovers.”

Valerie’s gaze drifts over Lucia’s shoulder to see their sons sat next to one another, in the middle of telling a story together. Then her gaze rests on her husband, who’s keeping a neutral expression even though the girls and Tommy are laughing.

Lucia follows her gaze, then looks at Valerie again. There’s a heavy silence between them, and Valerie has to compose herself before she can talk again.

“So, tell me…why don’t you think it’s important to remember when your husband passed?”

“Mija…” Lucia stops and takes a swig from her drink. “Let me tell you something, before I answer that. Boys need to be protected from their fathers, sometimes. I didn’t, when I should have. His father took his fists to both of us until my Rafael put a stop to it. His father got a little too drunk at my Rafael’s 19th birthday party, started pushing him around. Until Rafael smashed his nose in. He never touched us after that.”

Valerie’s stomach curls, and she finishes her glass of wine. She remembers the bruise on her husband’s back where he’d landed against the doorknob, when Sonny had thrown him back into it. Lucia reaches over and rests a hand over hers.

“I know you did better with your boy. He’s so bright, so full of life. When he tells a story he moves, points, he tells me a story and I feel like he’s putting on a show. His energy doesn’t stop, and it makes him a splendid person to be around.  And it’s because of his sunny disposition” she chuckles “that my son’s blossomed over the past two years. He’s made my Rafe a whole new, brighter person.”

Her original question is forgotten. Her heart hurts. And Lucia sees it.

 “You raised such a good boy. So helpful, so incredibly selfless. You know, when my mother passed away, he was a huge help.”

“Oh my, I’m so sorry. When did she pass?” That pulls her out of her wallowing.

“February of 15. Oh wow, that was right after they got together. But Soleado, he made sure we didn’t fall through the cracks. Lord knows I was liable to and Raf…” She sighs. “He puts her death on himself. But he puts everything on himself. You ask him and he’ll tell you different, but come on, you’re a mother. You know that you know your children. I know mine. I know how hard that was on him. But Soleado, también, he was a God sent. He cleaned, he cooked, he put up with all the drama during the funeral and the burial…I don’t know what we would have done without him.”

“So…he was with you for all that? He was there for the funeral and everything? With your family?”

“Yes, he was. He was such a huge help. He helped people with wheelchairs, he smoothed things over when someone dinged someone else’s car in the parking lot, and of course he was a good shoulder to cry on. Me more so. Well, Raf too, but not in public. Your son though, he’s un roca, a rock. I couldn’t have asked for better help.”

“Did he know your mother?”

She has to think. “They might have met once. You’d have to ask Raf. He stopped by sometimes on his way home from work, I’m pretty sure he brought him one time.”

“And your family, nobody made a big deal about…you know, them?”

She shrugs. “I was too busy crying to listen to people’s whispers. Priorities, honey.”

“Priorities…right…” she trails off.

****

Eventually, Valerie takes the empty seat next to her husband at the table, though she’s already had her fill. Lucia takes the seat next to her, and Valerie feels better for it. The two women enter in mid-conversation

“And where did you meet this guy?” Sonny asks Gina.

“At work. Where else?”

Sonny rolls his eyes. “Really Gee? Really? Like it worked out so well the last seven times.”

“Whatever Sonny, just whatever.”

“Y’know what I don’t get? I don’t get how you can spend 12 hours with someone at work and then the other 12 hours with them at home without throwin’ em’” he mimes the words “out a window.”

“Are you saying you want to throw Rollins out a window? If you are, that’s very worrying.” Barba cuts in.

“Wha? Why?”

“Because your precinct is on the third floor.”

“Ah” Sonny waves him off “all I’m sayin’ is I’m glad I don’t have to sit across from her at a dinner table every fuckin’ night.”

“Oh come on, you make it sound like you never see her outside of work.”

“C’aman, you know I love her to bits, but after a certain point it’s just like ‘fuck it, I can’t do it no more. I need my damn space.’”

“I’m sure she feels the same way.”

“Hey, at least I don’t drive like my foot’s glued to the gas pedal.”

“Seriously?” Bella asks.

“Oh hell yeah. Y’know how people wonder ‘If a cop car gets a speeding ticket, does the cop driving have to pay it?’ Well now you don’t have to wonder, because yes, they do. And after a while when you just say ‘fuck it, I’ll drive’ she turns into a goddamn joy of a copilot. Real backseat driver and can’t seem to give directions worth a damn.”

“In retrospect, it’s a good thing you’re not in a relationship with her.” Barba says. “Poor Jesse. She wouldn’t have a clue which accent to use.”

“Who’s Jesse?” Gina asks. Rafael chuckles.

“Jesse is Rollins’ daughter, she’s still young. And Rollins has that southern drawl, you know? Which is fine when heard on it’s own, but between that and the Staten Island accent? Even at this rate, it’s a wonder how she’s going to pronounce the word ‘coffee’. Who knows how she’ll twist that around?”

Sonny laughs and sips his beer. Lucia hums. “Which one is Rollins again?”

“Mami, you met Rollins. You drank with Rollins. You told her it’s funny how I hang around with such fascinating people even though I’m horribly boring.”

“Boring?” Dominick scoffs. Sonny’s skin prickles at that.

“That’s not true.” Sonny says. “You’re a lotta things Rafe, but boring ain’t one of ‘em. You should see him, when we go out with lawyers and judges and shit. People friggin love him. A little bit for the whit, and a little bit for the sass.”

“My sass?” Rafael asks. Sonny smirks, a little because of the thought and a little because of the way Rafael’s lisp twists the word.

“Oh yeah. You don’t let anyone get away with anything. It’s fuckin’ great watching a judge get taken down a peg or two on their own yacht.”

“Yacht?” His middle sisters ask in unison.

“I socialize.” Rafael answers, then looks at Sonny. “And you make that a hell of a lot easier. Six years I’ve spent around Judge Badner, I never had a clue he liked baseball. Then you come with me one time and start talking about Noah….whatever his name is-“

“Syndergaard” Sonny cuts in.

“Yeah, him. Sonny mentions how he’s annoyed he’s injured, and just like that they’re making conversation over things I have no clue about.”

“I don’t blame you, hon.” Valerie says. “I never quite got the appeal to baseball either.”

“Really?” Lucia cuts in. “All those men in tight pants? That doesn’t take your mind places?”

Rafael gives his mother a glare. Valerie chuckles.

“I guess that’s one reason?”

“One? Honey, that should be multiple reasons.”

“Mami!” Rafael snaps. “Por favor, don’t do that to these nice people. Don’t give them the mental image of you sweating the sheets with Jose Reyes.”

She simply laughs. “You know I like Curtis Granderson.”

“Oooof course you do.” Rafael sighs.

“It’s okay Lucia, I get where you’re coming from.” Valerie pats her in-law on the shoulder. “I guess it really is the best reason to watch those games.”

“Oh god, Ma, coulda gone my whole life without knowing that.” Sonny chimes in.

“Well now we know.” Rafael looks over at him. “Listen to this, the two of them bonding over objectifying men in tight pants.”

“Oh, cállate mijo, I like him for his speaking abilities too. He’s so eloquent. I bet your friend Rita would like him to.”

“Not unless he practices law on his off days, Mami.”

“Rita…is that-“ Teresa gets cut off.

“My lawyer? Yeah.” Sonny answers.

“And she…” Bella trails off. Rafael sighs.

“She has a type. Black lawyers. But of course she acts like it’s just a coincidence they’re all the same profile. She actually once told me ‘they just happen to be black.’ Really, Rita? Come on, like you were blind when you met and oh wow, they all fit your type perfectly when you got your sight back? Seriously.” Rafael huffs. “There’s nothing wrong with having a type, even if they’re of a particular race, so long as you’re not fetishizing them because of it. But she won’t admit it.”

“So you two are friends?” Teresa asks, eyebrows raised. Rafael shrugs.

“We were. Then she left to become a defense attorney. Now after several years of defending serial killers and rapists, with the occasional pro-bono case if she thinks it’ll earn her some good will, she’s coming back to prosecution.”

“Ah, just make up with her already.” Lucia chides. “She did the lucrative thing to do.”

“She defended evil people, Mami. And charged them an arm and a leg for it. How can I trust that again?”

“I’m sure there are people who think the same of you.”

He shakes his head and lets it go, the conversation changing direction once again. Sonny is so at ease that when he gets up to get some more food, he’s not nervous about leaving Rafael with his family. Teresa follows after a moment, catching up to him.

“So, Rafael’s something else, huh?”

“He sure is. Bet you feel like crap for judging him so hard.”

She huffs. “Yeah. I do. Happy?”

“Kinda. Happy that I don’t have to worry about this anymore.”

“Well, good. I’m glad. You’re my brother, you shouldn’t have to do that.”

“Aw, how kind of you. You want another burger?”

“Please.” She agrees, and watches him take a new plate for her. “So, can I ask you about your guys’s relationship?”

Sonny shrugs, and reaches into the cooler next to the food for another beer. “Yeah, sure. I mean, that’s why we’re all here, right? What’s up?” He asks absently, and pops the can open to take a sip.

“So, like, of the two of you, who tops?”

Sonny chokes on his beer before setting it down, more slamming it down, and looking at his sister.

“Fucking excuse me?”

“Wha? Why’re you gettin’ all defensive about? I was just askin’, god-“

“No, no Teresa freakin’ look at me. Okay? Listen up right now. You listening?”

“Yeah, Sonny, I’m listenin’ what’s your problem?”

“What gives you the right to ask about my sex life, huh? What gives you the fuckin’ right?”

“I’m just curious!”

“Oh, so bein’ curious means you get to objectify your brother?”

“No, would ya stop? Sheesh, I didn’t mean it that way. It was a compliment! He’s hot, I just wanted to know how all that works.”

“Oh, I get it, so because my husband is hot you get to ask all that, but you’re not askin’ Bella about her and Tommy. Is that the way it is?”

“Jesus Sonny, I’m just askin’ a question here.”

“Yeah, a fuckin’ stupid question! God damn, that’s not the kind of thing you ask people. I don’t ask you ‘hey Teresa, which way did your old boyfriend face you when you did the deed?”

“Grow up, I didn’t ask that.”

“No, you just asked who ‘tops’” he makes the air quotes with his fingers. “Which, by the way, is like asking which one of the chopsticks is the fork. It doesn’t work like that.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Dammit Teresa, and after everything, with Rafe- don’t you dare ever ask that question of another queer person again. That’s personal shit. Especially to people who’ve survived an assault.”

“Wha? He didn’t hear me.”

“No, but he could’ve.”

“A’right Sonny, stop freakin out.” She reaches over and pulls him in for a hug, which he half-reciprocates. “Stop yellin’”

“I’m not yellin’ and I won’t if you don’t ask dumbass questions.”

“I didn’t know it was. Can we be done now?”

He huffs. “Yeah. I guess so.”

“Okay. And, y’know, I’m sorry. You know how I am.”

“Nosy as fuck?”

She pushes him lightly and laughs It off before they join the family again. Still, sonny can’t stay mad at his sister. She tried, in her own stupid way, to try and learn about their relationship. It was more than Dominick was doing.  The older man spent his time quietly sizing Rafael up. The longer he listed to Rafael, the more gay he sounds. The slight emphasis his ‘s’s get combined with his laugh, and the way his voice gets a little higher when his mood lightens all make him sound like a total stereotype.

To Dominick.

And it burns Dominick up to see the way Rafael keeps reaching over and just _touching_ Sonny’s thigh. _That’s so fucking indecent. What, can’t keep his hands to himself, huh? What’s this guy’s problem?_

But he keeps his mouth shut until Sonny gets up to throw out their plates. _Do you really have to do that? You can’t just let your mother take care of it?_

He follows his son inside. At first, Sonny smiles at his dad.

“Hey pop. You comin’ in for another beer?”

“Nah, I came in to talk.”

“What, haven’t heard enough talkin’ yet today?”

“Sonny, stop. What’s goin’ on with him, huh?”

The amusement leaves Sonny’s face, and it’s replaced by annoyance.

“My husband’s got a name, y’know.”

“Your…whatever, he’s creeping me out.”

“ _He’s_ creeping _you_ out?”

“Yeah. He keeps touching you. Like, a lot. What, are you so used to it that you can’t tell? That ain’t normal, Sonny. In front of his mother no less. Who he calls ‘mommy’ no less.”

Sonny scoffs and shakes his head.

“Sonny, come on, I know what I’m talking about-“

“Do you?” His son cuts off, and the glare Dominick gets makes him quiet. “Y’know what? C’mere.”

It’s an order. He grabs Dominick by the wrist and pulls him into the bathroom, and slams the door before bolting it shut. His hands go to his belt.

“Sonny, what’re you-“

His belt clicks open, and then goes the zipper. “You remember when I got shot?”

“I don’t know what that-“

“No, fucking stop. From now on, I ask you a question, you just nod. Otherwise, you’re gonna keep your fucking mouth shut and you’re gonna listen for once in your goddamn life. You got that?”

Dominick nods, even though his own anger is flaring in his throat.

“Aright.” Sonny drops his pants, revealing his pale legs from the waist down. The only thing that breaks up his skin is the hole-shaped scar on his left thigh. “See this?” He points to the only abnormality. “This is what he’s touching. He’s not just feeling me up. He’s feeling that.”

Sonny pulls his pants back up and does them up before speaking again.

“You don’t get that Rafael has major anxiety, do you? And I don’t mean the cute kind that makes people shy and stutter. I mean the crippling kind. The kind that keeps him up all night sometimes just staring at our bedroom door. Do you fucking get that? Because, after everything you’ve heard me say about my job and everything you heard at my trial, you should know that. And feeling that little scar is like an anchor to him. That just reminds him that he’s still here, and that I’m still here. It’s a real relief to him. And you better not say a damn word about this to him, because he’s really fucking self-conscious about not being weak in front of the whole world, and it’ll really upset him if he knows you think _even less_ of him than you already do.”

Dominick just stands there, staring. There’s a few seconds of silence, but Sonny doesn’t wait for an answer. He leaves the bathroom, and heads back to the kitchen where he gets himself a new beer.

He doesn’t wait for his father before going back out to the family, where he sits next to Rafael. He even plants a kiss on his temple, then takes another pull from his beer.

“What’s wrong?” Rafael asks. Sonny shrugs.

“Nothing important.”

“You’re sure?”

“Sure.” Sonny pats his lovers hand before asking Teresa if she knew she knew Rafael knew the lead in the current run of Miss Saigon too. 

Dominick doesn’t come out for some time. When he does, Valeria catches sight of him immediately. Her and Lucia are stood off to the side again, away from the table. 

“Where’ve you been?” She asks.

“Inside. What, a man can’t be inside his own house?”

“Sure he can. But why does he come out of it looking like a kicked puppy?”

“I do not.” He protests. Valerie chuckles, and Lucia does the same.

“Listen hombre, you have the same face as your son, you’ve both got that _look_ when you’re sad.” 

“Ah, I can’t stay sad. It’s a party.” He offers lamely. Valerie pats him on the arm before the women go back to their conversation, leaving him to join the kids at the table once again. Sonny doesn’t look at him when he sits down. The conversation they’re having fizzles out.

“So…Rafael…” Dominick says, getting the man’s attention. “You went to Harvard. Is it really what the movies make it seem like?”

Barba smiles at that. “You mean socially, correct?”

“Yeah, socially. With the parties and whatever.”

“If I’m honest, I wouldn’t know. I spent 98% of my time at Harvard with my head buried in books.”

“How’d you spend the other two percent? Screaming?” Sonny asks.

Rafael laughs. “I was going to say eating, but that too.” He looks back at Dominick. “I was so cut off from that part of the scene that I actually went to school with a woman, took a lot of the same classes as her, graduated the same year, and didn’t realize it until we started working together, years later.”

“Rita?” Sonny asks.

“Rita.” He confirms. “That said, I had a good group of friends. And I know through them that there were plenty of people who did cocaine and the like. I was offered it once, never tried it though. If I wanted to get hooked on drugs, I would have stayed in the Bronx.”

“Oh yes, born and raised. But I have no affections for the Bronx, nor do I use it to my advantage like _some_ people.”

“Meh.” Sonny groans.

“Like who?” Dominick asks. Rafael trades a look with Sonny.

“You remember Alex Muñoz?”

“Oh yeah, I know him. The guy who was gonna be mayor until he got caught sexting.”

“Well, he was one of my best friends growing up. And just my luck, SVU caught the case that brought him down. Which Alex didn’t appreciate and his wife Yelena _really_ didn’t care for.”

“Oh damn…wow…” Dominick says.

“At which point Alex threatened me, saying my political career would be over if I sent this forward.” He sighs and sips his drink. “Needless to say, I’m not one to worry about scoring political points.”

****

While Rafael talks, Dominick’s mind wanders to all the things his son said to him in the bathroom. The thing that sticks out most in his memory is the trial. He remembers the way his face was so beaten up in the original pictures, making him look like a completely different person. Smaller. Less intimidating.

Someone that couldn’t take advantage of his son.

Someone different than the man he’s thought up in his head, who breaks people’s chops and has excessive amounts of money and a huge ego.

He has a hard time reconciling these two people in his mind, but it’s made a little easier when Rafael offers Dominick an authentic Cuban cigar. He takes it, much to Sonny’s surprise, and asks if he’d like them to smoke together.

“Well if you two are gonna smoke I’m going in.” Valerie says, getting up. The rest of the family has migrated into the house, away from the citronella resistant mosquitos. “You coming Sonny?”

Sonny looks at his mother, then at his husband for confirmation.

“Go on in.” Rafael answers. “We’re okay out here.”

“If you say so.” Carisi says before following Valerie inside. The two men are silent, but it’s not quiet around them. There’s crickets chirping, talking in neighboring yards, the snipping of the ends of the cigars, and a match being struck.

 _Smooth_ Dominick thinks when he takes a drag from the tobacco, though it’s rather strong. Stronger than anything he’s had before. He looks over at Rafael, who puffs on the thing. The phallic look of the cigar between his lips makes Dominick cringe inside, so he looks away.

“So…you smuggle these back?”

“I’m allowed to bring back up to two dozen. I usually do.”

Dominick hums something of a reply, then goes back to his smoke. The sun sets lower in the sky. The rainbow that the setting sun throws off is gradually recaptured by darkness, the purples and blues swallowing the reds and oranges.

“So…you go a lot?”

“Every few years.”

More silence. The lighter blues get overwhelmed too, turning into navy, which in turn retakes the purples.

They’re both almost to the label when Dominick speaks again.

“So you…you met my son at his work.”

“That’s right.” Rafael answers after a moment.

“And you’re an attorney, right?”

“Also right. I’m a prosecutor for the District Attorney’s office.”

“Sounds hard.”

“It is. It’s brutal and tedious and at times it’ll keep you up at night but it’s worth the effort.”

“Uh huh…so…where do you find time for relationships in there?”

With the cigar away from his face, Dominick can stand looking at him. Someone inside flicks on the outside lights before Rafael answers.

“Usually I didn’t. But Sonny…he’s different.”

“Uh huh…”

Rafael takes a last drag from his cigar before putting t out in the hs tray, then sits back in his seat. “He pursued me. He wouldn’t let me get away. And low and behold, it worked.”

“Yeah. Right.”

Rafael looks over at his father in law, the one corner of his mouth dropping. “Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry. It’s not that. I believe that he would do that kinda thing.”

“It’s okay. I understand.”

“Understand what?”

Rafael shrugs. “That you’re angry. That it wouldn’t matter who you were talking to. You would treat any guy this way.”

Dominick takes the last puff of his cigar, then puts it out too. “Look, maybe…I dunno, maybe it would just help if I knew more about you guys. Y’know, together.”

Rafael shrugs. “I don’t know what to tell you…Like any good relationship, we take care of each other.”

“Well what does that mean? You ‘take care’ of each other.”

Rafael looks at the man, blinking a few times before he sets his glass down.

“What do _you_ think that means?”

Dominick sighs. “Listen, it’s just…y’know, when you hear about relationships where one person is older than the other…it’s kinda…the older person takes care of the other with money, and younger one does…”

He knows he’s offended Barba when his eyebrows shoot up, and he picks up his glass, taking a long pull before he speaks again.

“You’re the father of three daughters. You know how awful boys can be. That’s not just limited to the straight ones. Gay ones, bi ones, pan ones, they can all be crap. But do you really not trust your son’s judgment? Do you have so little faith in his character perception that you think he’d let himself get manipulated in such a way?”

He sighs. “I don’t know. I just don’t know how well I know him.”

“He’s your son. You raised him. You took care of him. You know him. He’s a lawyer and a cop, both jobs that mandate good judgment.”

“But…he lied.”

“Because he knows you. He knew you would be disappointed. He was putting off that condemnation from you as long as he could stand it. You broke his heart, I hope you know that.”

The older man huffs. “Well what do you mean by you guys ‘take care’ of each other then?”

Rafael leans his chin in his hand and looks out. He can’t see anything where the light doesn’t reach. He focuses on the vague outline of the fence.

“What do I mean?” He mutters. “It means…on days when I wake up, and getting out of bed feels impossible, he’s there for me. He talks me through it. He helps me get up and get myself dressed and walks me to work, or at least to the train, because he knows I need it. Or on days when he’s feeling the pain in his leg worse than normal, I’ll make dinner because I know he shouldn’t, even though I know he’s going to fight me on it. That’s what I mean by ‘take care’ of each other.”

The older man bites his lip and looks down at the bottle in his hand, which is almost empty.

“And not that it’s _any_ of your business, but the physical aspect of our relationship is not the most important one. We’re not using each other. Get that thought right out of your head.”

Dominick is silent, taking that all in. Once again, he’s at a loss for what to say to this man.

“He…he saved me.” Rafael says, still looking away. “I should be dead. But he saved me. He…he killed for me. He almost went to prison because of me. And…and he stayed.”

Rafael’s glad that he has his back to the light because it means it doesn’t touch his face, so the older man can’t see him turning red.

“He stayed. A lesser man would have left, but he didn’t. And after all that, he asked me to marry him. Who does that?”

Rafael sips at his scotch, then looks at his father in law. In the yellow light of the back lamp, he can see the shocked expression on his face.

“I’m sorry. It’s probably not something you want to hear about. But he protected me, _he_ took care of _me_ , and he loved me after everything.”

There’s a few beats of silence. Rafael drains his glass.

“He saved me and he stayed. After all the stupidity, he asked me to marry him. He didn’t have to. He didn’t need to. But he still loved me.”

Rafael looks at the man again, longer than before. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t love hearing about that. I just thought you should know. He’s…he’s my hero. Don’t tell him I said that though, he hates that.”

“He does?”

“He thinks a real hero would have stopped things before they got as bad as they did. But who knows what might have happened to him if he did? He might be…”

His eyes close and he leans his face in his hands. Dominick’s face softens as he thinks about his son. When Rafael looks at him again, he’s the furthest he’s looked from angry all day.

“He means the world to me.” Rafael manages. “I would never, _ever_ hurt your son. I hate that he’s not as safe as he was before me. I’ve… never been more scared than when I thought he was dead.”

Dominick pushes his tongue around inside his mouth, taking that all in. Now the trial- the parts he bothered to pay attention to- all come back. Now the man from those evidence photos looks a lot like the one sat in front of him, who’s probably a few moments from crying.

Eventually, Rafael pulls his face out of his hands and looks at Dominick, waiting for some kind of answer. But after a few seconds he lets his gaze fall away and instead looks at his bottle.

“Do you want another?”

“Uh…water’s fine for me.” Dominick manages. Rafael nods and gets up, disappearing inside. Before he can come back, the fireworks start, bringing everybody outside. The light in the back yard is turned off. Rafael returns with a glass of water for him, but he doesn’t linger.

The guilt on his mind is overwhelming. Far more than he ever expected. It means he misses half the fireworks because he’s too busy staring at the darkness instead, where there’s no distractions. When he comes back, he catches a glimpse of the fireworks before turning his head to see his son.

In the red and blue light of the fireworks, the scene comes into focus for him. Rafael is wearing a dark sweatshirt, but the white letters spelling out Fordham tell him whose it really is. While his son’s arm is wrapped around Barba’s shoulders, his lips are also pressed to the other man’s temple. Rafael’s hand is resting on Sonny’s thigh, over the spot Sonny told him about.

Both of their gazes are cast towards the sky.

 _This is what he meant_ Dominick thinks, just looking at the two of them before tearing his gaze away to look at the light show instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gave me life.  
> Also it was so long. Probably twice as long as it needed to be.  
> I really hope you guys like this chapter. t was a bit of a mess but I still like the way it turned out.


	15. Natural

The first person to buzz at their door isn’t there for dinner. How could they be? It’s only noon.

“Liv?” Barba asks the box next to the door.

“Yeah, it’s me. And I brought the boys.”

“Did you bring the groceries too?”

“I knew we forgot something.” Elliot says in the background, and Liv chuckles.

“Yes, we did.”

Rafael smiles a little and pushes the button to let them in. When there’s a knock on their door, Carisi comes out of the kitchen. He opens the door with one hand while wiping the other on his apron, since the rag over his shoulder is damp.

“Hey, Lieu! Good to see you.” Sonny takes the bag from her hand and puts an arm around her in a half hug.

“Good to see you too Carisi.”

“Oh, and ya brought backup, huh?” Sonny pulls his arm from Liv and uses it to smack Elliot, but he just laughs.

“Don’t mind me, I’m just along for the ride.”

“Well glad to have ya. C’mon, siddown, take your coat off.”

“Uh…it’s July…” Elliot tries. Carisi rolls his eyes and looks at Noah.

“It’s like he never heard of an expression before, ain’t it big guy?”

Noah just laughs, and Sonny ruffles his hair before they head into the kitchen, Liv following for once. Barba and Elliot are left in the living room together.

“Did you want a drink?” Rafael asks.

“No, no, thank you though. Besides, I’m trying to cut down on the daytime drinking.”

“How about a water bottle? Is that alright?”

“Water. Water works.”

Rafael exits and reenters, leaving the kitchen door open behind him.

“So, what are you two doing today?” Rafael asks, and sits down with Elliot. The other man shrugs and takes a few glugs from the bottle handed to him.

“Not much. Just caught up with Liv while she was running some errands, figured I’d tag along. You know, since I won’t see her again for a few days.”

“Oh, so you won’t be joining us again for tonight’s…let’s call it ‘get together’.”

“No, no I’m going out with my twins tonight. You’re sure tonight is such a good idea?”

Rafael scoffs. “No. But Sonny thinks it’s time, and I can’t argue with him about this. It’s his family.”

“Technically they’re your family now, too.”

“What, one insane father wasn’t enough? Now I have another?”

They share a laugh. “Well, at least Sonny’s letting him try. Again, I’m so sorry I let him know. If I had any idea-“

“Don’t, don’t do that.” Barba holds up a hand, cutting him off. “You couldn’t have known. Sonny looks more like his mother than his father anyway.”

“I know, I just feel guilty-“

“I know. Me too. I feel like, maybe if I’d been the one to answer the door, none of that would have happened. I wouldn’t have opened the door for him.”

“Please. That’s not on you.”

“And it’s not on you either.” Rafael says with renewed seriousness. It catches Elliot off guard.

“Well…thanks.”

Rafael nods and takes a sip from his own water. The volume in the kitchen picks up, cutting off their conversation. Then Sonny comes out of the kitchen with Liv on his heels.

“Here, take this.” Sonny says, holding a few folded up bills out to him. Elliot’s eyes widen, and he looks to Liv.

“No, Elliot, don’t.”

“What-“

“I’m paying someone back for those damn groceries.” Sonny insists. “And if she’s gonna be too damn stubborn, then it’ll be you. Or if you want, you can try and talk her into taking it from you.”

“Elliot, don’t take his money.”

“Don’t listen to her.” Sonny insists, pushing the money even further until it’s practically against his chest. Elliot looks between the two of them before, slowly, taking the bills into his hand. Sonny laughs, and there’s an extra bounce to his step when he goes back to the kitchen. Liv glares before rolling her eyes and following her detective’s footsteps once again.

Elliot looks at Rafael who’s smirking.

“Uh…I…I don’t know what to do with this.”

“Slip it in Liv’s wallet when she’s not looking. And while Noah’s not watching.”

“That’s your bright idea?”

Rafael puts up both hands this time. “I know better than to get stuck between them.”

“I…” he chuckles and sticks the money in his pocket. “Maybe I’ll just offer to pay for lunch. Will that work?”

Rafael thinks a moment. “That will work. It’s the only way you’ll get Liv to take that money back.”

****

Everyone is in the apartment when Dominick and Valerie show up. Everyone, except Bella and Tommy, who Valerie wished would be there when they showed up. But no, they’re not. So Valerie holds onto her husband’s hand until she sees her son. She lets go of her husband’s hand and pulls Sonny into a tight hug.

The apartment feels like a real home, though that’s because of the smells coming out of the kitchen. Dominick keeps his eyes up, away from the people he’s there to see, and instead takes the place in. And it’s pretty nice. Not that he’s surprised.

Sonny introduces everyone to his parents. Valerie is the one offering the hellos since Dominick still looks chagrinned.

Which he should. And Sonny’s glad that it keeps his mouth shut.

When Sonny tells his parents to get comfortable, the only space for the two of them to sit together is on the couch, next to Munch. So they do.

“Well look at this, you’re here and you’re not yelling. Quite the improvement.” John snaps at Dominick.

“Uh…” Dominick tries. Fin, who’s sat on the chair next to the couch, reaches over and smacks him.

“Hey, c’mon Munch, don’t do that to the guy.”

“You were there.”

“Yeah and now he’s here and he’s tryin’. Give ‘em a break, wouldya?”

John rolls his eyes. “Very well then. If you insist. I’d hate to upset you.”

“Yeah, sure.” Fin says, then looks at the two parents. “Don’t worry, we were partners for thirteen years. I know how to handle this guy.”

 _Partner…that’s the word…_ Dominick thinks. He looks at Valerie who’s wearing the same careful expression before she talks.

“Oh wow…that’s quite a long time. But you’re…not? Anymore?” She asks.

“No, not anymore.” John answers.

“But you guys are still close?” Dominick asks with the same care.

“Oh yeah, man. ‘Course we are.” Fin answers. “Thirteen years doesn’t just disappear because one of you leaves. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything, even if it was fucked up sometimes.”

“Huh.” Dominick says, and takes a sip of his full drink to seem cool.

“Sometimes? More like most of the time. But like he said, wouldn’t give that time up for anything. Even if eight of those years were during the Bush administration.”

“What?” Valerie and Dominick ask in unison.

“Aw, nah please, please don’t get him going on this again.” Fin tries. “Eight damn years I heard daily about Bush and Cheney and oil and whatever. Please, don’t provoke him.”

“But it’s just _so_ easy.” Liv comments, looking amused.

“Relax, it’s a party.” John says. “I won’t ruin it so soon with lecturing on one of the worst presidencies in this country’s history.”

Dominick blinks a few times, carefully figuring out what to say next. “You uh…you’re full of surprises, aren’t you?”

“Oh sure I am, it’s what makes thirteen years happen. Otherwise they get bored and leave you.” John answers. Fin rolls his eyes.

“Man, you’re the one who left.”

_Man…is that what he called him back then too?_

“And I get why you left, but don’t take it out on me.”

“I wasn’t gone when Chester Lake showed up.”

“Wow, Chester Lake.” Liv says, breaking off from the other conversation she’s a part of. “I haven’t thought about him in years.”

“You knew?” Valerie asks.

“Of course I knew. It’s not like it was a secret.” Liv answers

“No it was not.” John says before looking at Fin again. _God, such a horrible thing to have everyone know…_ Valerie thinks.

“Well I came back when Lake got sent up?”

“Only because you had nowhere else to go.”

Fin huffs. “Kinda glad I didn’t, though. I mean, even though El was a total dick through that whole thing. Dumping my phones and whatever.”

“I mean…kinda sounds like you deserved it.” Dominick says. Fin stops and looks at him, wearing the same raised-eyebrows-in-surprise look that he had after being called the ‘n’ word.

“Man, you weren’t there. You dunno what the situation warranted. And you only met the guy for ten seconds, you don’t know what he’s really like.” He stops and sits back in his chair again. “Still, I’m glad I didn’t get transferred.”

“And…and you took him back?” Valerie asks John.

“You know, I did and I didn’t think twice about it. I still knew I could trust him to have my back. I never doubted that.”

“Wow.” She marvels, feeling a twinge of admiration for them both.

“Ditto.” Fin puts in. “I knew I could still trust you too. I mean, someone gets shot in the ass for you, you never doubt ‘em having your back again.”

“You’re kidding.” Dominick asks.

“Aw hell no, I remember it like it was yesterday.” Fin says. “But hey, he pulled through. Sitting next to me still.”

“And you showed up afterwards with a fig shake and a smile.” John says, and waits a few seconds. A smile sneaks onto Fin’s face, and he shakes his head. John laughs. “I never doubted this guy for a second, not after all that. I knew I could trust this guy up to my very last day. No doubts, whatsoever.”

 _Wait, what?_  

“No doubts. I was sad to see you go, man.” Fin says.

“Yeah, but then you got to be partnered with Amanda, that wasn’t so bad. You know, until everyone’s favorite Catholic showed up.”

The cops share some laughs, Dominick and Valerie share a look.

“Wait, I’m confused.” Valerie says.

“Well I had a good run, but I just needed to retire after one pretty brutal case.” John answers.

“Yeah, but you had a great partner for the last thirteen years of it, give or take.” Fin says, and pats him on the back. Again John smiles and shakes his head.

“Yeah, like you’d let me forget it.”

“Wait…” Dominick cuts in. “So…you guys were police partners?”

“Well, yeah, what’d you think?” John asks.

“Uh…” There’s a moment of everyone staring, any other conversations having died down. Before they all burst out into laughter.

“Really dad? Fucking really?” Sonny asks, though he’s still laughing.

“I don’t know, I thought ‘partner’ was the word!” He tries to defend, the embarrassment having grown. Still, the rest of them keep laughing.

“Aw damn, I guess we do sound like an old couple, huh Fin?”

“Speak for yourself, I ain’t old.” He says, though he’s still smiling at that. But Fin notices how weirded out Dominick seems. He waits until John gets up to get himself another drink before moving over to take his spot next to the other man, who’s now got his mouth shut.

 “Hey man. For what it’s worth, I kinda get what you’re goin’ through. I found out my son was gay on accident too.”

The white man turns to look at Fin, and blinks a few times before talking. “You did?”

“Yeah. I mean, it was a little more benign, but yeah. Durin’ a case. Looking at this gay club that scans ID’s to cover their ass or whatever, and I saw his name on the list. Clicked on it and sure enough, it was my boy.”

“Wow…what’d you do?”

He shrugs. “Talked to him. He wasn’t happy to see me, but I ain’t blaimin’ him. I was so wrapped up in the job when he was a kid that I wasn’t there for him.”

“But you…you close with him now?” More guilt. More anger at himself. _How could I say this guy was a bad father?_

“Now, yeah. I’m around now, not hiding out in Greenwich or Miami or wherever for two weeks at a time.”

“How…how’d you get past all that?”

Another shrug. “I dunno. Never saw it as a huge thing. But I’ll tell you this: my son? He’s the toughest man I know. Not only does he get all the crap for being a dark skinned black man- he gets that from his mother- but he also has to deal with all the taunting and crap for him bein’ gay. He keeps a stiff upper lip, never lets it get to him. I’d like to think he gets that from me.”

Dominick remembers the last time he saw the detective and resists the urge to cringe. “Yeah, you keep your cool pretty well, huh?”

“Ah man don’t even worry. What you said?” He makes a dismissive noise. “Please, I’ve heard way worse from way worse. Anyway, now I couldn’t be prouder of my son.”

Fin pulls out his phone and opens it. He flicks through a few pictures before finding one of Ken. “That’s my son.” He flips through a few. “And that’s Alejandro, and their son James.”

“Wow…” He says, looking at the image. Fin swipes over one more, to a picture of all three of them together. “They’re…like…a real family.”

“No kidding. But it wasn’t easy getting there. Alejandro was almost killed by BX9 for bein’ gay. You know, since Machismo is still a goddamn thing. I swear, as bad as the gay bashing crap is among blacks, it’s even worse with Latinos.”

“BX9…why do I know that name?”

“Cuz those are the guys who tried killing Barba. Them and some cops. But yeah, real brutal…real messed up.”

His gaze flicks to his son and Barba, sat close to each other on the other couch.

“What’d I have to friggin worry about?” He overhears his son saying “I had four things. Call the restaurant, call the church, remember the rings and double check my vows.”

He pulls his attention away and looks back at Fin.

“Don’t worry man, all those guys are in prison. He’s safe from that now. I’ll tell you what though, if it weren’t for Carisi then Barba would be dead. He’s a damn hero. Well, you know that. You were there for the trial.”

God, the trial. Dominick remembers anger. He remembers listening to people testifying to Sonny and Rafael living together and being absolutely humiliated. And…and he remembers the pictures that went along with the rape kit. The pictures of Rafael’s beaten up face, looking so far from the confident, put together, well suited man that had taken the stand.

“Yeah, I guess I do know that.”

“Man, you don’t gotta guess. I’m tellin’ you. Your son, you should be proud of him. Hell, I was a bit worried about him at first, but he’s a great cop. I trust him with my back.”

“That’s good to know….” Dominick trails off. Fin lets the subject go before looking back at the rest of the group. Valerie’s been pulled into.

“I mean, before we even got _into_ the case I knew this guy was something else.” Rollins is talking, and gesturing over to Barba.

“Oh, absolutely.” Liv agrees. “Even his introduction was an indicator of what it was going to be like.”

“What’d you say?” Valerie asks, looking at her son in law. Barba shrugs.

“I might have said something along the lines of “what, is it take your daughters to work day?” to their temporary Lieutenant.”

The group laughs, and Liv shakes her head. “It was a good starter though. I mean, thinking I’m young enough to be a fifty year old man’s daughter? That was a good ego boost.”

“It was also a bit misogynistic, but clearly you haven’t held it against me.”

“How could we? Especially after the way you threw down on that case.” Rollins adds. “Never saw anything like it.”

She shows them the video of Barba being choked, and it makes both parents cringe. Still, it’s enough to get them to when Tommy and Bella show up, and then they can all eat. Dominick and Valerie are definitely the outsiders by the way they see the younger couple get absorbed right into the flow of things. Room is made for them, and they greet Barba like it’s nothing.

“So, Bella, where’s Veronica tonight?” Valerie asks when they’re settled in again, everyone with plates of food. Bella swallows the bite she’s chewing before answering.

“We brought her over to Liv’s place. Lucy’s taking them to Chuck E. Cheese tonight.”

“Them?” Valerie tilts her head.

“Y’know, Jesse and Noah.” She points to their mothers respectively.

“So, what, they’re all friends?” Valerie asks.

“Sure are.” Rollins chips in. “They’re all pals. Here, look.” She pulls out her phone and finds a video. It’s of Veronica on a swing set, with Sonny stood behind pushing her. Rollins is in the swing next to them, pushing her daughter. Valerie ‘aw’s a little, watching her son and her granddaughter.

“Who’s that?” She asks of the boy on the edge of the frame, who’s stood watching next to the swing set.

“Oh, that’s Liv’s little boy. That’s Noah.”

Liv smiles. “Sure is. It’s so sweet, because whenever we take the three of them somewhere he gets all protective. Like he’s a big brother. I wonder where he gets it from.” She gives Carisi a pointed look, which he shrugs off.  

“I don’t. He gets it from his mother.”

Barba smirks. “He got you on that one.”

“He’s also brave like his mother. Or that level of honest. Kid busted my chops about my lasagna not being cheesy enough.”

“Questioning you on your cooking ability? Sounds like a pretty gutsy kid.” Dominick says.

“You know it.” Sonny replies. “O’course, it’s because his favorite meal is stuffed shells, which are literally filled with cheese. So I make him that whenever he comes over and he’s a happy camper.”

“Of course he is. He knows it’s going to be our dinner for the next three days after that.” Liv says. “He always makes the huge portions of food, then sends us off with the leftovers.”

“That’s the whole point, Lieu.”

“So considerate.” Valerie says, a proud look on her face.

“Please, you raised him, you know.” Rollins starts. “That’s the kind of thing he just does. I mean, I told him I was going to start weening Jesse. Next day after work he shows up at my apartment with a friggin’ box full of little jars of homemade baby food.”

“He did the same thing for me! When I told him I was gonna start feeding Veronica solid food, same deal.” Bella chips in.

“You know there’s an interesting story that goes along with that.” Sonny speaks up. Rafael’s brow furrows.

“What st-“ He sits straight up and looks at Sonny. “No. Aw hell, do you have to tell that story?”

“What! It’s a good story!” Sonny defends, and looks at the crowd instead of his husband.

“So I’d been doing research about homemade baby food, and really it’s so freaking easy to make. And I figured ‘well, since he was so helpful with the tomato sauce, Rafael could give me a hand’, right? I mean, how hard could it be?”

“On three hours of sleep?” Barba tries.

“Shush” Sonny waves him of. “Anyway, I get out the food processer out but then my phone rings, so I grab him and I’m like ‘can you take care of this?’ And then I left the kitchen.”

Sonny can’t stop moving as he tells the story, and the way he tells it seems like he’s told it hundreds of times. Which he has, to himself. It’s why he has to put his plate down on the coffee table, so he won’t spill any of his manicotti.

“So I finally get off the phone with this guy- buddy’a mine from law school, wanted to catch up- and I go back into the kitchen, see the things already loaded up with the fruit I’d cleaned, and I think ‘damn, how helpful.’ So I go to the thing and…and…” his laughter interrupts his thought. Barba is biting his lip, but he’s clearly trying not to laugh. “and I push the button, right? And then, bam!” Sonny throws his arm up “the thing opens! Sends blueberry everywhere. I mean ev-ery-whe-re” He manages between laughs.

Rafael is still biting his lip, but he’s laughing anyway. His face is red, and when Sonny looks at him he laughs even harder, which makes Rafael’s laughter more prominent.

“Okay, just,” he laughs, then clears his throat. “In my defense, I had never used that food processer before, I wasn’t sure how it fit together.”

Sonny breaks off from his laughter and looks right at Rafael, gesturing at him with that stereotypically-Italian hand gesture (with the thumb pressed against the tips of the other four fingers).

“You have a Harvard law degree.” his voice his high, and he can’t quite stop laughing. “How’d you get outsmarted by a fucking food processer?”

“I told you I don’t know!” Rafael says, though still holding back laughs. “I was tired! I wasn’t sure!”

Sonny just laughs, hard. The kind of laughter that’s contagious. The kind that makes the rest of his friends laugh harder too. And Rafael can’t help laughing too, even worse when he meets Sonny’s eye.

They’re both completely red, one from embarrassment and the other from exertion.

“What’re you laughing at?” Barba finally asks when he looks at Liv, trying to calm himself.

“I’m having an image of you scraping blueberries off a wall. That’s pretty damn funny.”

Rafael rolls his eyes and stares up at the ceiling, still smiling, still red, still laughing a bit. Sonny has to be the one to calm down so everyone else can.

“Anyway” Sonny sniffles from how hard he’s laughed “ that’s enough making fun of Barba, huh?”

“Please, really.” Rafael agrees. Sonny lets out a stray laugh, and looks at him again.

“Seriously, stupidest fucking thing I ever saw you do.”

“Really? Even- nope, never mind.” Rafael sips his scotch.

“Well, whatever. Anyway, after that we figured out just _how_ to put the thing together right. Y’know, so we don’t have to worry about being decapitated by a friggin food-processor blade in the future. And now we’ve got a funny story to tell. Even though it was infuriating when it happened.”

“Infuriating?” Rafael scoffs. “Please. You went from glaring to laughing in ten seconds. If that.”

“Hey, even then I knew it would be a good story.”

“Who knew there was any story there, right Bells?” Rollins asks, nudging the other blonde woman. She chuckles and nods.

“Yeah, who knew?”  She plays along.

Valerie just stares, her smile frozen on her face, but her laughter quiet

_I didn’t know. I didn’t know Sonny had someone he loved back then. Where was he when Tommy and Bella got married?_

_When Veronica was born?_

_For her christening?_

She looks at how bright their faces are, how huge their smiles are, how they look at each other like nobody else is in the room.

 _He thought he couldn’t be happy like this around us._  

The thought makes her heart pang. Because when she looks at Sonny, her loving son, who grew up to be a hero, all she wants is for him to be happy. He’s the kind of person that makes homemade baby food for other people’s babies, and sends flowers to all the mothers he knows on mother’s day.

Valerie has seen her son hold an umbrella over someone else while waiting at a bus stop. She’s watched him walk past a homeless person, then feel so guilty that he’ll go back and give them a dollar or some spare change.

Sonny is the kind of person that deserves happiness, more than most. So why shouldn’t he be happy with his family _and_ the person he loves?

Especially with Rafael. Rafael, who is successful, articulate, polite, and doesn’t go near trouble. Nobody would ever call him a loser. But for as long as she’s known Rafael has existed, she’s thought of him on the same level that she has Tommy.

Neither of them were good enough for her kids.

And she knows it would be a different story if Rafael was Rafaella by birth.

All this thinking means Valerie zones out until she hears the word California.

“…might go to California, I dunno.” Sonny finishes.

“Wait, you’re going to California?” Valerie asks, blinking a few times. “When?”

“Well we don’t know yet. I mean, we’re not goin’ tomorrow.”

“What, like moving there?”

“Oh god no Ma, not at all. Like for a vacation. You didn’t hear the whole first bit of that, did you? No, to visit our old cop friend.”

“Alright. Just be careful though. I had a friend once, Jasmin, you remember her? Probably not, you were a kid when you met her. Well she went to California on vacation once and fell in love with it and ended up moving out there.”

“Don’t worry Valerie, that won’t happen.” Rafael answers.

“You sound so sure”

“That’s because, and I can’t speak for you on this” he touches Sonny’s arm “but I don’t want to take the California Bar Exam, which I would have to.”

“Seriously? Why?”

“Because” Sonny answers “different states have different ways their Bar exams are set up, and California’s is nuts. I’m with you there, Rafe, I don’t wanna take that test either.” He touches his husband back the same way.

“Not only do you have to do all the usual multiple choice questions, and the essay questions, but it’s an extra day long because you have to do two- not one, two- performance exams. Those are where you gotta digest a fictional case, write a memorandum, deliver findings, and issue an opinion…in three hours. The only state that’s got a longer bar exam is Louisiana and that’s just because they run on civil law instead of common law, but don’t get me started on that crap.”

“Sounds like you guys aren’t keen on going anywhere.” Liv answers.

“Nah Lieu, you’re stuck with us for a while.” He jokes. “New York might be freezing in the winter and there are some crazy people out here, but there’s no drought and we’ve both got our law degrees. I think we’re staying put. Besides, I’d miss the kids too much.”

“And they’d miss you. Noah adores you two.”

“What’s so special about him?” Dominick asks. Sonny just shrugs.

“I just love the kid. He’s damn adorable.”

“I swear he loves you too.” Liv says. “You’ve always been there for him.”

“I think you’re thinking of you but okay.”

“No, I’m thinking of you. Whenever I’ve needed you to help me with him, you have. Who knew the man with no children could be the best with them?” Liv asks, looking at the Carisi parents.

“Ah stop.” Sonny waves them off. “I love the kid and I do the right thing by him. Though it is kinda funny that a while back he asked me if I was his dad.”

That gets a few “what?”’s, including one from Rafael. Sonny looks at his husband.

“What? I told you about that.” He shakes his head. “It wasn’t like that. He just asked me ‘Sonny, are you my dad?’ so I told him no. then he asks ‘is Rafe my dad?’ and I said no again. Then he asks ‘Is Munch my dad?’ I told him no. ‘Is Tucker my dad?’ Again, no. ‘Who is my dad?’”

He recreates the face he made, the one when he was caught off guard.

“So I said ‘Y’know, just worry about your mom big guy. She’s all you’ll ever need.’”

“Why not tell him?” Dominick asks, and a second after he says it he hears how bad that is, though it’s not for the same reason he thinks. Sonny sits up and gives him a look.

“Really? How’m I supposed to tell a kid his dad was a pimp?”

“Not just any pimp.” Barba puts in. “Probably the worst human trafficker on the Eastern Seaboard.”

“Yeah, really dad. Come on, how am I gonna tell him that? That’s a conversation for you” he looks at Liv “to have with him in like…I dunno, ten or more years from now. Whenever he’s ready.”

“I’m definitely going to hold off. He doesn’t need to know any time soon. Besides, he has so many good people in his life that he doesn’t need to worry about this one awful person who had nothing to do with him.” Liv answers.

Dominick and Valerie nod, both wearing disturbed looks. Liv smiles slightly and looks at Carisi.

“That ‘dad’ comment, do you think that has anything to do with that family picture he drew?”

“Oh, no, no I got the full story on that.” Sonny answers, and sits straighter up. His arm slings around Rafael’s shoulders as he talks.

“What happened was the teacher told everyone that they were gonna draw family pictures. So one kid asks ‘are we drawing our grandparents?’ and the teacher said ‘if they live with you, sure.’ And then when another kid asks about if they should draw their aunts and uncles, she says ‘only if they live with you.’ then she makes the blanket statement ‘draw a picture of the family that lives with you.’ So Noah, smart kid he is, asks if he should draw family that lives with him some of the time. And the teacher just says ‘sure, why not.’”

“That’s how we ended up with this picture.” Liv explains, and pulls out her phone to show the Carisi parents, since everyone else has already seen it. It’s a crayon drawing on white paper of Liv, Noah, Sonny, and Rafael. Dominick doesn’t say anything. Valerie ‘aw’s.

“That’s the sweetest thing.”

“I thought so too.” Liv agrees. “It’s why I had it framed. Of course, it freaked out the teacher. She tried asking me in the gentlest way possible if I was in a polyamorous relationship. Even though the real reason, the trial, was much more interesting.”

The word “polyamorous” draws a blank for the old couple, but they just nod along.

“I’ll say. And, y’know, even though we were in mortal danger, it was nice being around Noah. Kids have a way of kinda making things better, ain’t that right Serge?” Sonny asks.

Fin rolls his eyes. “Man, don’t do me like that. It’s just Fin.”

“Yeah, same way you’re ‘Just Fin’ to your grandson.” Munch adds in.

“Really? You don’t like bein’ called grandpa?” Dominick asks.

“No way, man. Makes me feel old as hell. Besides, it’s the cutest damn thing. My son, he took a video of James callin’ me Fin. Course then I looked at him like ‘what, you tryin’ to catch your old man crying on tape?’”

“Oh don’t be such a man about crying.” Munch says. “It’s a perfectly normal reaction. You cried at that like you cried at the wedding.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did. Everyone did. Hell, even Elliot did.”

“My old partner.” Liv supplies. “And he doesn’t cry at anything. I asked him ‘Why’re you crying? You don’t even know them.’ So he says” she makes like she’s crying “I-It’s just so nice to see people be happy for once!”

“Aw, the jackass does have a soul.” Fin says, though there’s no malice in it.

The conversation ebbs and flows, but as time goes on it shifts towards work. It takes up enough time that they all finish their food, including whoever takes second helpings.

“And of course, when that happens, what do we do? We call Barba.” Liv says, a finish to her story.

“And if I’m not called as the attorney, it’s as the emergency contact” Barba deadpans.

“Is…is that often?” Valerie asks.

“Sometimes.” Rafael answers. “Every so often.”

“Every so…”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dominick asks.

“Sometimes. Always feels too often though.” Barba turns to look at Carisi. “What, you didn’t tell them about your latest near death experience?”

“If I told them about all my near death experiences I would never stop talking.”

“Oh, you do eventually stop talking?”

“Do you?” Carisi shoots back. Barba half glares at him, then looks at the Carisi parents.

“That was so bad. All I’m going to say is, next time there’s a chance of you being kidnapped, please just fucking tell me. So I’ll know. I swear, the undercover stuff is the most dangerous part of this job and you’re always a part of it.”

“Oh, stop it.” Liv cuts off. “You know that’s not true.”

“Excuse me?”

 “The most dangerous part of being a police officer is the clothes job. That’s when things are the most volatile, and carry the most risk. I’ve had it proven to me twice over.”

“Hey, c’mon, don’t do that.” Sonny says, leaning forward in his seat, pulling away from Rafael.

“Do what?” She asks

“That, don’t do that.” Carisi repeats. “Not here. Not today.”

“It’s true. You know it’s true.”

“Yeah, I do, just…” He comes over to her and leans down, hugging her round her shoulders. Liv’s eyes close, and her hands rest over the arm around her.

When Sonny pulls away, he sees both of his parents’ concerned looks. He shrugs.

“Anyway” and goes back to his seat.

“See that?” Rollins asks. “When they get going? That, that’s some scary stuff. Even scarier when it happens at work.”

“I could tell.” Valerie clears her throat. “Is it always that intense?”

“Sometimes. I swear, some days it’s just, y’know, you get that feeling like  ’Mom and dad are fightin’, and I don’t wanna get caught in the middle.’” Rollins laughs.

“Y’know, not that I think of Liv as a ‘mom’ but, for real” Fin says “Like, sometimes you hear em go at it, you’re sure one of em’s coming out in handcuffs and the other one in a body bag.”

“Oh come on.” Barba scoffs.

“I’m serious man. You guys can sound real scary.”

“He ain’t wrong.” Sonny says. “When you guys go at it, it can be real…ugh” He shakes his head, then looks at his parents. “I mean, I walked in on these guys arguing once, just came back from a call. I open her door and they both yell ‘WHAT’ at me. I jump back like ‘nope, not fucking dealing with this today’ and just walked out.”

“But you say it like it happens all the time.” Liv says. “And besides, it’s not like we hold it against each other. It’s just the job.”

“Which is a good thing. If we did…” Barba chuckles. “Things might’ve turned lethal by now.”

Liv laughs and shakes her head. “Man, who would’ve thought you’d stick around so long?”

“Hey, I had a feelin’ the moment we met that Barba was the right kind of crazy to help us out. I mean, the clothes he was wearing alone-“

“Do you have a problem with how I pick out my clothes, Detective Rollins? Because I happen to enjoy my personal style.”

“Style, huh? Does that mean you look at your clothes before you put them on?” Rollins asks. “I always thought you just closed your eyes and picked whatever you put your hands on first. Kinda clothing roulette.”

“Wow Rollins, you really know how to hurt a guy. Hit him right in the closet.”

She laughs so hard that she actually snorts, as do the rest of their friends.

“God, it sounds so much worse when you say it like that.”

“And now you know why I said it like that.”  He deadpans.

“Hey, however you say it, it’s better than hearing Rollins say it.” John adds.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asks, still laughing. John shakes his head and looks at the parents.

“I tell you, between the Georgia peach and the Sopranos reject, I’m not sure who’s worse”

Both of them burst out laughing again

“How long did it take you to come up with that one?” Sonny asks, still laughing.

“When did you get married?” Munch asks. Sonny throws a napkin at him.

“Hey, at least the Sopranos reject doesn’t have a lead foot.” Sonny says.

“Oh, we’re making fun of driving now, Grandma?” Rollins asks.

“You just say that because I don’t pass people on the right like you. And y’know, at least I’m decent with the directions. You, friggin’ Copernicus, you’re tellin’ me 'get off at the next exit' and when I'm about to get off yells 'no, not this exit!'”

“Ah” she waves him off.

“Aw, look at that. Partners quarreling. Brings back memories.” John says. John goes off on one of his tangents, but it’s pretty hard for the rest of the Carisi family to keep up. There’s a round of exclamations when he says that Sonny looks like a “Johnny Dubcek” though they don’t know who that is. There’s some more commiserating around people whose names sound either sound black or Asian to their ears. And they land on talking about a guy named “Ed Tucker.”

“Wait…” Bella tries, cutting into the conversation. “Ed, the ex-boyfriend?”

“One of them.” John says. “Who actually tried to have Cassidy killed.”

“Cassidy?” Dominick asks.

“One of Liv’s other exes.” John says.

“Really?” He asks, looking over at Liv.

“Brian Cassidy. Sorry Liv, my dad just spent two seconds imagining you as a lesbian.”

She chuckles. “It’s okay Carisi. Not like it’s an insult.”

“Wait, did he try getting the killed because they were a thing?” Valerie asks.

“Those two things didn’t overlap.” John says. “Even so Liv, not my favorite of your boyfriend picks.”

“Yeah, well he loves Noah. And when we needed him to come through for us, he did. I hope you haven’t forgotten that, Munch.”

“No, I haven’t forgotten that the man spent the entire night in the pouring rain on a fire escape. I will give him credit for that much.”

“Wh-Wh-Whoa, back up a second.” Sonny cuts in. “When was that?”

“The, uh, the last night of the trial.” Liv answers. “We realized, once we saw your names, and mine, and Noah’s on what we thought were a hit list that they might be angry when they realized all their things were gone. So I sent Tucker as backup, he called his partner, and a couple other people he could trust. They put a perimeter on the block.”

Sonny shakes his head. Rafael sighs.

“I knew it. I couldn’t ask then, but I knew it.”

“And it kept you safe. That’s all that mattered.” Liv says seriously.

“It was.” He agrees. “We had a lot of people keeping us safe during that.”

“Like your buddy Rita.” Dominick says.

“Well, tentatively so.” Rafael says. “Who knows how that’ll pan out?”

“Meaning?” Liv asks after exchanging a few looks with the other detectives. Rafael looks at Sonny, then drains his drink

“Well, I guess you guys should know. Rita might be coming back to prosecution.”

“What!?” It’s near universal.

“I know, I know, but let’s wait and see about the DA’s starting salary before we get too excited. She just might back out.”

Murmuring spreads through them, shocked and surprised, but nothing too angered.

“And with that I think I need another drink. Here, I’ll get some of the dishes.”

“Me too.” Sonny offers, and starts picking up plates. Valerie tries to, and Sonny scolds his mother, then gives her a peck on the cheek before heading into the kitchen. There’s only a few dishes left out, so Dominick figures he’ll get them. He stacks the two plates and their utensils and goes to the kitchen after waiting a minute. When he gets to the door, he waits again. He watches through the half open door as Rafael puts down a bottle of scotch on the counter.

Sonny comes over to him, an arm wrapping around his waist. The other hand wraps around the bottle, and he raises it above the other man’s head. Rafael reaches up for it, then tries to jump for it, and Sonny chuckles.

“Sonny, come on, stop it.” Rafael asks through a slight giggle

“For a price.” He murmurs, and Rafael pecks his lips before the bottle is lowered. Dominick waits another few seconds, because he really wants to not intrude on this private moment any more than he already has, but it’s not like he can go back to the rest of them still holding dirty dishes. So he pushes into the room and sets them down quietly on the counter, next to the sink.

“Thanks pop.” Sonny speaks, his arms still around his husband’s waist.

“No problem.” He nods, then leaves the kitchen and shuts it behind himself. Rafael sips from his newly filled glass, then rests his head on Sonny’s shoulder.

“He’s been quiet tonight.”

“He’s feeling guilty. Which is a good thing, because it means he’s fucking behaving.”

“Or he’s just trying to take it all in. I mean, it is a lot. Bella and Tommy were overwhelmed the first time too.”

“At least John hasn’t tried having the talk with them yet.”

“You glad we did this?’ Rafael asks, arms wrapping around Sonny’s torso. He picks his head up to look at Sonny’s face. He has his thoughtful look on for a moment.

“Yeah. I am. Thing is…I figured something out. When I was…you know, I had another one of those perspective moments again.  And I realized that anger and whatever are things I just don’t need. This is what I need. This, right here, this is where I belong. With the people that love me. With the people I love.” Sonny looks down at the man in his arms. “Even if they do drive me crazy.”

They share a laugh, and Sonny rests a hand on his husband’s cheek. He takes a mental photo of Rafael’s smiling face because it’s the most beautiful thing he’s seen, and he never wants to forget it. Then, after a moment, he leans down and connects their lips for a long, loving kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say? This chapter could have been twice as long as it is. I had so many ideas for conversation snippits, but I had to cut down on the self indulgent things. I might end up posting a 'deleted scenes' thing at the end of this story. 
> 
> Wow, I can't believe I'm done with this one! And I can't wait to see what you guys think of the last one too!  
> Thank you so much for all the kind words, all the support, and all the help in pointing out errors. I really appreciate it, and I can honestly say I've never felt attacked reading my comments. You are all so lovely. 
> 
> The new story will have the first chapter up tomorrow, most likely. Once again, thank you so much for the encouragement on this work.


End file.
